**Just For Laughs - The Official JP Jokes Thread**
Men DO remember anniversarys!
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'Well I would have been released today...'
LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thats ace!
ha ha ha
Lmao, that one is great! xx
Hehe that made my hubby laugh 😀
Swearing at Work
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?
2.
Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch
3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?
4.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off a*se-wipe
5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole
6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.
7.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem, mate.
8.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f***?
9.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.
10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?
11.
Try Say ing:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.
12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:=2 0
Oi, f*** face.
13.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.
Hehe Stacey thats great 😀
Did you hear bout the fat alcoholic tranny?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be mary
A new prostitute was told by her pimp she is only allowed to wank her clients for the first week, when she asked why he told her everybody has to do a week in hand
According to recent studies a blow job is the healthiest breakfast, it comes with a sausage, 2 nuts and a shot of protein. Stay healthy, suck a dick
A boy watches his parents having sex and asks what thay are doing, his dad says we are making a brother or sister for you, the boy replies can' you do her doggy so i can have a puppy
3 Women, 1 married, 1 engaged and one mistress all decide to treat their men by wearing black leather bra's, siletto heels and masks, the engaged women says my man leapt on me and made love all night, the mistress says me 2 we had wild sex all night and the married one sighs and says my husband came home took one look at me and said wots for dinner bat man
For centuries Hindu women have worn a spot on their forhead called a Bindi, we always naively thought it was to do with religion but the truth is...
when these women get married she brings a dowry, on her wedding night her husband scratches off the spot to see if he has worn a corner shop, a mini-cab company or a sub post office. If he doesnt win any of these it means he has to go get a job in Barclays bank call centre in Pakistan
Test for Dementia
Below are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus question.
You have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
Absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you
take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
But don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again.
Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?
Scroll down for answer.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you get 5000 ?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right...
....Maybe
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself
to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses;
how does HE indicate what he wants?
He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple
pmsl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that was fab!
LOL these are all funny!! Worth the read, it will make you laugh 🙂
Baa Baa black sheep
Have you had a f 😠
Yes sir, yes Sir
Had it with a duck
Had it with a horse
Had it with a big fat hen
Then got a scabby cock
And i havent f 😠 ed again
hahaha thats sooooooo rude lololol
The 1 St kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone , and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2 ND kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time , and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3 rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine , and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4 th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'
The 5 th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex . * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6 th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And; Last, but not least, The 7 th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex .
* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
A ginger girl goes to the doctor about a rash on her fanny
The doctor asks how often do you have sex?
The girl replies 2/3 times a year
The doctor says thats not a rash its rust
Making a baby. This is hilarious!
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted 😀
😀 😀
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market place looking at goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say 'You foreigners! come in come into my humble shop!'
So they walked in, and the Jamaican said, 'I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in... Dey make you wild at 5ex.
The wife got really interested in buying the sandals, but the husband felt he really didn´t need them being the 5ex god he was.
The husband asked the shopkeeper ' How could sandals make you a 5ex freak?
The Jamaican replied ' Just try dem on, Mon. You doan haff to do nutting cept try try dem on.'
So the husband after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn´t seen in years.
In the blink of an eye , the husband grabbed the Jamaican bent him violently over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaicans hips. The Jamaican then began screaming 'You got dem on da wrong feet,Mon, you got dem on da wrong feet!
that is very funny 😀 😀
Letter of complaint sent FROM Tesco
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'
I've seen that one before but put in a different way.... "what you can do when you're bored" or something... Cracked me up again this time!! 😀
OK, I hope this one doesn't offend anyone... I've worked hard at censoring it (hope I didn't miss anything 😲 )
Had this sent in a myspace bulletin, thought it was hilarious!
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I'm writing you today,
the 26th of December.
Well, I would very much like to clear up
certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month.
I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades
and a football uniform.
I destroyed my brain studying the
whole year, not only was I the first in my class
but I had the best grades in the whole school.
I'm not going to lie to you Santa, there were no kid in the
neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents,
my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors,
I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street.
There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity!
What balls you have leaving me a 😠 ing yo-yo,
a lame a** whistle and a pair of socks!
What the CENSOR were you thinking, you fat son of a b*tch,
that you'd taken me for a sucker the whole 😠 ing year
to come out with some 😠 like this under the damn tree.
As if you hadn't 😠 ed me enough, you gave that
little sh*th**d across the street so many 😠 ing toys,
that he can't even walk into his damn house!
Please don't let me see you trying to fit your huge a**
down my chimney next year! I'll 😠 you up!
I'll throw rocks at those corny a** reindeers of yours
and scare them the 😠 away, so you'll have to walk
your big fat a** back to the north pole,
just like I have to do since you didn't get me that
😠 ing bike, you punk b*st&rd!!
You know what Santa, 😠 You!! Next year you'll find out
how bad I can really 😠 ing be!
So watch your back next year, Beeyaaaaatch!!!
Sincerely,
JohnnY