**Just For Laughs - The Official JP Jokes Thread**

what do you call a man with a pint in his hand?

pissed!!!!

another sad one to go with the one on the first page...

Whats the difference between snowmen and snow women?
snowballs

work men on a building site, Ryan climbs up to scaffholding but realises he has left his saw on the ground.
he signals to his work mate, Rich on the ground, over the noise he has to use hand signals.
*I (points to his eye) NEED (points to his knee) A SAW (motions his hand/arm back and forth*
Rich signals back by pointing to his himself then acts out having a w*nk.
Shocking at Rich' actions Ryan climbs back down and asked "what do you think your doing?"
Rich replies "letting you know i was coming"
😀 😀 😀

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It may take me a while to get hard, i only got laid this morning 😎

what do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head?

sistermatic

Bit early to be doing cracker jokes is'nt it?

A little girl walks into her parents bedroom.
"holy 😠 " says the girl "and you want me to see the doctor about sucking MY THUMB"
🙂

PMSL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thats great lolol

eamesy88 said:
A little girl walks into her parents bedroom.
"holy 😠 " says the girl "and you want me to see the doctor about sucking MY THUMB"
:)

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f**king red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

lmao

Just been sent this in an email

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
· NBA 5.0,
· NFL 3.0 and
· Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
· If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
· Cooking 3.0

Good Luck!

Tech Support

LOL!!! and this is why I will only ever have a boyfriend and not a husband... the boyfriend is much more user friendly for me 😉

I hope i don't offend anyone with this. Just got sent it.

FEMALE VERSION OF THE LORDS PRAYER
My Vibrator, which brings me heaven, Rabbit be thy name, you make me come, you bring such fun, on earth - or is it heaven? Give me this day my daily thrill and forgive me my screams as i forgive those who sold me dud batteries. Lead me straight into temptation. Deliver me from frustration. For thine is the vibration, the power and rotation. For ever and ever. No men!

😀 😀 that was funny!! LOL 🤔 not that I could ever relate to that 😕

Warning very rude

Colin came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the 😠 are you?" Demanded Colin, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter"

Colin was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've go t to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Colin was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Colin, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Colin

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting

"Colin, you 😠 youve done a 😠 in the bed

pmsl!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thats great lol. ok heres mine

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polos. He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.

The children began to say:

'Red...........cherry,'

'Yellow........lemon,'

'Green.........lime,'

'Orange.......orange.'

Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.' One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:

'Oh My God!!!! They're a***holes!!'

I was due for a smear with the doctor later in the week. Early one

morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I

had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed

everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to

spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene

when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make

the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the

facecloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick

wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the

facecloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the

car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table,

looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in

Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little

surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning,

haven't we?'

I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The

rest ! of the day was normal - some shopping, cleaning, & cooking.

After school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she called out

from the bathroom, 'Mummy, where's my facecloth?'

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all

My glitter saved inside it.'

Never ever going back to that doctor again!!!

lmfao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thats ace hehehehehe

This is such a great site!

guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says,

'Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare checks. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter says, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening
from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $90,000 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, says , 'You're Bulls****in' me?!'

The Social Worker says, 'Yeah, well... You started it.