Need some advice

Hi all, I am in a dilema...

A friend of mine has recently become divorced, it has taken a long time for this to happen, he has been conversing with an American lady from his church group on the internet. She has come down to visit for 2 weeks ( she goes back on this coming Thursday )...I learnt last night that he has asked this woman to marry him, and I feel nothing but negativity towards this situation, the lady in question has 4 children by 2 different fathers...my friend has Arthritus in both hips so is living on benefits and has 2 Children of his own ( which run rings round him at the best of times ), I have checked on the migration web sites as to wether or not this can happen, and as far as I can see, he has to be able to support her and the kids without delving into public funds ( which I take to be any sort of benefits )...now, we all ( other friends ) share the opinion that this is way too rushed, no thought has been put into this at all, and he just wants a quick fix to be in a relationship..but all I can see is heartbreak, and I am not sure I can be there for him this time to pick the pieces up in what is so obviously going to be a nasty crash of a situation. So, do I tell him my concerns ( bear in mind he takes any sort of advice as critisism ), or do I keep my mouth shut and watch him snowball into this doomed relationship...now as most of you know I suffer from depression, have done for 2 years, this situation is making me sick with worry, pretty andgry towards his blind judgment, and down right sick...can anyone tell me about people migrating from the USA to live here? because according to the immigration site, all possibilites will result in no go. This is the site I am using to find information out..

http://www.migrationexpert.com/uk/content/immigration_uk.asp?fid=100036&gclid=CN7LgKmaoowCFSKRXgodFAyu4g

Have I missed anything, or is it not a reality of this "marriage" going ahead?...I feel I would be a pretty crap friend if I kept my mouth shut, but this guy needs a wake up call sometime soon...any advice would be greatfully recieved...

Thanks all, sorry to go on, but I can't back something I can't see working....HELP! 🙁

i dont est babe but to be careful maybe if she cant come here he might go there and then u lose him that way too
and as for u worring and stressing i no u concerned but he may resent u and then u lose a friend too
maybe u never no it might work and then u get to keep ya mate
maybe u should just be there for him if it all goes wrong and support him then
sorry if i sounded bad i just dont no how to put what i mean in words but u get the general gist lol
good luck hunni in what ever u do
xxxx

Bump

imo your mate is grown man & hopefully knows his own mind & what he is doing. i'm sure he knows that hes on the rebound but is just going with the flow anyway. whats he got to lose? he might be hoping that in fact she'll look after him & his 2 kids & that he'll be "quids in". Have you met this women, she might be perfect for him, you never know. I wouldn't give him a hard time about it just yet, just in case it never happens.

Im a straightforward person, all my friends know that. They accept my opinion, because i always give it. I think it would be best to voice your concerns, whilst reiterating that you will support his decision regardless of what you think. Even if you get a less than fantastic reaction at the time, you can be sure that he will take it in and give it some thought. Even if he has to get past the 'cheeky sod' telling me what to do phase.

They might me madly in love and meant to be, but as you say it might be a disaster waiting to happen. Honestly if it was me I'd tell him what I thought. Just be sure he knows that if he doesnt follow your advice you'll still be there for him regardless.

xXx

am with hipmomma on this, i also believe in saying exactly what i think, but sometimes it can all come out wrong. if you decide to tell him how you feel word it in a way he wont think your picking at him!

i understand your situation and it is difficult to sit back and watch, i personally wouldnt but make sure he knows your his friend and will be there for him all the way, no matter what happens!

dont let the situation get you down tho hun, its not fair on you! i know you obviously care about this man but in the end he will do what he wants but hopefully he might take you opinion into account!

hope all goes well hun sorry for the ramble xx

Hi Rich,

I wanted to reply as someone who has suffered from depression too (PND and clinical).

When I have been depressed I have found that I let situations which are beyond my control begin to consume me, especially with close family and friends.

Ultimately your friend is a grown man and will make his own descision which may or may not result in him being heartbroken ,BUT, that is his life. Try not to let the ifs and buts of someone elses life have a bearing on how you live your life. You can still be there as a friend and discuss how you feel, but take a step away and start thinking about yourself a little instead of thinking about all the different scenarios and outcomes of his situation. Don't worry about the future, just get on with today.

Sending you some (((hugs)))!

xxx

How old are his kids? If they are going to be adversly affected by the relationship, then stick your neck out and tell him.

If the kids are older, then stay out of it. It's very rare for any man to take kindly to being told to end a relationship, or even slow it down. Just be there when the inevitable happens, or stand in amazed awe as a relationship you never thought would work, blossoms.

The big issue here is that she is a replica of his ex wife, now it may just be me but that strikes me as odd. She turned out to be a lesbian in the end and went off with another woman. This woman, he has only JUST met, like last wednesday, so how on earth can he be asking to marry her, it's absurd...they obviously hav'nt done their research on her moving to England in the first place, as he's on Disability allowance, and immigration clearly states that HE has to be able to support her without public funding. His kids are 7 and 9, and with the possible future of another 4 kids...his Son fights for attention all the time even though it's not needed. The other thing which I should have mentioned is that my friend here tends to live on a different planet to everyone else, I mentioned he has Arthritis on both his hips, this is a guy that wanted to open his own Wrestling school and participate in the ring to compete!! I need to find a way to bring him back down to Planet Earth, as I mentioned I am a depression sufferer, but next to him I look like the jolly green giant. I have talked to my other close friend, and we have decided to print off the evicence that this marriage cannot happen in the eyes of the law, and we're going round there once she goes home to America tomorrow. The other thing is, he asked his ex wife to marry him within 3 weeks of dating, there is no way in hell he knows this woman inside out, she could be dangerous for all we know....it's obvious to everyone except him, and thats whats pissing me off, the fact he obviously has'nt learnt from his last mistake, and it's practically Carbon copied in this latest balls up. I'll keep you posted, but keep the advice coming, I am keeping it all stored up in the old grey matter..

Just feel like grabbing him and knocking some sense into him, I am sure you have all had moments like that. But thanks all....

Sorry... but he sounds to me like a complete arse. Don't stress yourself tryin to help him. Gawd. You could try once... but ffs - he's a big boy now - sod him. If he wants to ruin his life over whimsical fantasies, that's his problem. Jeez louise - I understand why you'd wanna slap him.

Ladybug said:
Jeez louise - I understand why you'd wanna slap him.

Me too!

I've got a mate who's divorced twice and engaged again! I told her if she ever tried to get married to the 'wrong' man again I'd object in church! She's too bloody minded and if you try and stop her from doing something she'll do it all the more, plus, I'd never do it because it's her life (and I'm too chicken!!!).

xxx

sounds likely that its gonna be another failed marriage, but thats his problem. try not to worry about it, its his life & if he wants to make another sham of it, so be it. just worry about yourself & your life, you don't need other peoples troubles on your shoulders. Talk to him, offer your advice, but other than that, give him a wide berth when the new wife arrives.X 🙃

Shame for him that immigration won't allow her to live here as HE can't support her as he's on Benefits...and a Fiance visa clearly states that HE MUST be able to support her without government funding...not to mention her kids being uprooted from friends and family as well as 2 fathers who won't get to see their kids again, theres way too many cons for this to work. And to add that her kids are home taught, they don't go to school, now I am not sure that would be allowed if in some miracle of misfortune she and her kids came to live here...he's not going to like the facts, but the facts he shall recieve!

just seen this hun - its an awful situation tobe in 🙁 i would tell him hun - if he goes off on one he obviously isnt a good friend!!

HI Rich,

I can help you with the immigration thing. My hausband is from Zimbabwe and was in America studying when we finally decided to get married. He had to fill out a huge amount of forms and i had to bring an immense amount of evidence of how we met, how long we have known each other etc. I took emails dating back years, phone bills, pay cheques, evidence of my mortgage and my mortgage statements, evidence of all our wedding plans, as you can only be on a fiances visa for 6 months and in that time you must marry. Hubby had to wait a good few months before he knew he could come here, but i have heard it has got a lot harder to do it. Ours was pretty much straight forward as we had no children, i was working and had a house. yes i had to prove i could support him and have a place for him to live. My employer also had to write a letter stating my salary, how long i had been there etc.
But yes he is an idiot and i am sorry you have to tell him that he is being one, harsh but sometimes the truth hurts. You will be there for him, but as a friend you have to tell him what you can see being on the outside.
Good luck! x

BTW what does BUMP mean???!!!!

Bumping a thread means it keeps it in the updated threads, as they can easily be misplaced as read items next time you click New Forum Posts 🙂

And can you have a look at this link for me and tell me if I overlooked anything, it looks like all Visas need Him to be able to support her without public funding...which he can't do because he is on aboyt 4 different benefits.

http://www.migrationexpert.com/uk/content/immigration_uk.asp?fid=100036&gclid=CN7LgKmaoowCFSKRXgodFAyu4g

Thanks again

Thanks for the BUMP thing.
No you are completely right. Here is another link that spells it out even better i think!
http://www.globalvisas.com/page197_fiance_visa.aspx
Also this one!
http://www.workpermit.com/uk/fiance.htm
Hope this helps. If you want to use me as an example, then feel free!

Rich

just cos they have only just met (in real life) doesn't mean they can't have feelings for eachother that blossomed over the internet, i met my manthing in an AOL chat room and he swears he loved me a long time before we met.

You are bound to fear for your friends, as you can see this as a disaster waiting to happen, however no one can predict the future and it maybe just what he needs, or it maybe just want he needs right now - either way nothing you can say or do will change his mind, so i would raise your concerns in a nice way, but support him so he knows that you are there if and when it all goes wrong.

Its no use getting stressed and worrying over other peoples lives, adults that is, they do and will have their own opinions, and will make their own mistakes, as a true friend we just have to be there when they do. Relax hon, there is no point getting yourself in a state about something you cannot and will not change no matter what you say. 😘

Thing is witchy, and I have stated this in every post, according to immigration rules, she will NOT be permitted to be with him due to the fact he cannot support her ( let alone her and 6 kids ). and as I said in a previous post, he does not live on this planet at the best of times..I will keep you posted, I know this guy, and I know what he thinks like, and its not rational like other people. If they did their homework a little better, they would see that it's not as clean cut as they think it is...plus the factor of 2 fathers who will no doubt be waiting in the wings to sort out court battles for the children, for which Father wants to lose their kids to a strange new country...he wants things now now now, and no matter the reasons, he can't have it now now now, not for a very long time, a very long time indeed. If you knew him like I did, you would understand alot more as to why I am so Po'd with him.

Oh, and as for the internet romance blossom thing, do you think 2 weeks previous to meeting is time to know her? I don't.....