DH refuses to use donor eggs!

Hi everyone,
I hope you can give me some suggestions on how to deal with my DH throughout all of this. First let me give you some background on my situation. And also I want to say that I love my husband, he is my best friend. But there is one issue…
I have PCOS. I was diagnosed 4 years ago. I’ve tried clomid, some fertility drugs, changed my lifestyle, quit smoking, started eating healthy, become more active, started taking folic acid, etc. Then after 2 years of no results, we decided to try IVF. One mc on early term and 4 failed cycles. The last one we did in May.
We went to fertility clinic and they informed us that due to all my issues our only option would more than likely be IVF with donor eggs.
I of course brought up the subject with my DH about using donor eggs. I’m ready to do whatever I need to do in order to have a baby. He however doesn’t think that donor eggs would be a good option since we could spend a bunch of money to just end up having a miscarriage/failed cycle. Plus he has some thoughts how the baby won’t be 100% ours. He refuses to do it. I think he somehow is holding out that we will just magically get pregnant on our own. I do not want to wait another 5 years to just realize that we still have to use donor eggs, and by then it might be too late.
What I am asking is: Anyone else in the same boat with the DH refusing to do de IVF or other fertility treatment? Did you have this same problem? How did you convince him? And any other helpful information would be great. I really want to have kids. And if de IVF is the only way I am going to do it. I guess it will just depend on if he will be the father or not. I feel like this is an issue that might tear us apart and I have no idea how to deal with it. Thanks everyone in advance.

Sometimes it just takes time. Moving from clomid and regular IVF straight to DE IVF is a big leap for a lot of people. I was diagnosed with PCOS 7 years ago. It caught us off guard. I was in shock. We were TTC for a long time. We’ve been dreaming about having children for 8 years already. But my doctor told me about medical treatments, that medications will help and that I have all chances to get pregnant. We put all our hope in these treatments. I spent years in clinics, buying pills and other stuff. We spent so much nerves and money on this. We’ve got no results. Only now I understand that everything is not that easy as I thought. I really believed that I will be that lucky one, who gets pregnant thanks to treatments.
When I heard about donor eggs for the first time I thought I couldn't do it. When DH and I started on this journey, we were both dead set against donor eggs. We have been bumping along the road of various infertility treatments, finally I hit a wall and said 'I want to use donor eggs' and he was fine with it. I think a couple of years ago he would not have been fine with it.
Search the internet, find more info on the topic, find successful stories, find videos on youtube, where women share their experience with de. Show this to your DH. Don’t give up and continue to articulate to him how important this is to you. Hopefully he'll come around. I just think sometimes it takes the men a little longer to come around. I hope this is helpful.
Did you bring DH to the appointment with FS? I drag my DH to these appointments because I think he needs to hear it straight from the doctor rather than from me second hand. Good luck!

Hi Eliza! I can relate. When my dh heard about surrogacy for the first time, he was so against this idea. Today, 7 years after we started trying to conceive, I can say my dh and I are 100% aligned with our process and our plan ahead. Throughout the years, I’ve learned a lot about how to talk to my dh about our journey and more importantly, how to listen and respect his opinion. Not just pretend-listen while secretly thinking up points to back-up my own beliefs. I’m a woman in a heterosexual marriage. And for this reason (among many others), I often felt like my vote should have counted more than my husband’s. After all, I had more skin (and hormones) in the game, and I honestly felt entitled to 70% of the votes rather than the traditional 50/50 setup. It took me a while to learn that just because my body requires me to do a bit more work, the costs, outcomes and responsibilities would be split equally. While it’s natural to feel like your vote should count more, that won’t help you win any arguments. It’s important to give your dh the space he needs to process and share his feelings openly with you. He needs to feel safe and not like he’ll just get steamrolled, yelled at or vetoed. This means listening, rather than reacting emotionally or getting angry or shutting down. It also means asking questions about why he has these feelings. It means sitting down and having real, hard, long conversations about your hopes and dreams. And conversations work both ways. Your husband is your equal and you need to work through what’s best for you both together.

Talk more about your fertility journey with your dh. Discuss your feelings and fears. Confide in one another. It’s necessary to keep checking in emotionally with one another. Make sure your dh feels heard and included in each decision. Touch base to see if you’re pleased with how your chosen path is feeling. It’s a good idea to have infertility journey discussion every few weeks or months. Infertility is an incredibly emotional experience and things change all the time – test results change. Hormone levels change. Financial situations change. Insurance coverage changes. You have to keep checking in with one another to make sure you are still aligned, still a team and still prepared for what’s to come.

And also I agree with Mina. Do your research and share it with your dh. You just need to talk to each other and calmly discuss how you feel about using donor eggs.

My husband was against trying ivf again. He felt like it was a waste of money & time just to fail again. I have managed to talk him into it. After I came up with a plan of how to pay for it since we are totally paying out of pocket, I explained to him where I stood and why I wanted to keep trying. After that I gave him a few days to think it over. I of course was ready to make a decision right away and I was pressuring him to do so, but managed to back off for a few days. However, I did set a date and a time to discuss it again. When that date and time came around we discussed it again and he offered a compromise. Perhaps you should ask your dh what he would be willing to do? Then you can work out some common ground between you. Perhaps if you try one more oe ivf then he will be ready for de ivf. Even if it isn't the shortest path to parenthood perhaps it will give him time to deal with it. I am sure if you asked your RE what other options you can try he will give you a few... They just won't be your greatest chance of success. I convinced my husband by letting him know how important having our child together is to me. However, I did agree to consider adoption if after we try de ivf it doesn't work. Men don't feel like we do about having a baby, but he will most likely come around in time.

Thanks ladies for all the great responses! It is really great to know that I am not the only one dealing with a stubborn DH. Most of the people on here say their husbands went right along with it. So when mine said no to the DE IVF I was completely surprised. I had thought we were on the same boat.
I did bring my DH along to the appointment, the specialist I go to basically states that you both have to be there. Which I think is a great way to do things. I am not sure if going through another regular IVF would even be worth it after all our failures, or if they would even do it. And honestly I don’t want to go through another IVF with my own eggs. I feel like we need donor eggs at this point.
I am guessing I will just have to give him some time to think it over and see how it goes. I am just hoping it doesn’t take a few years to finally convince him to try donor eggs if that turns out to be the only option. I want a baby now. Also I am sorry to hear about everyone’s complications during ttc. This is so hard. Thanks again for the suggestions and the words of wisdom ladies! Good luck and sending you all lots of baby dust.

Naturally, there may come a time on your fertility journey where you and your dh are at a crossroads. Maybe one of you is ready to stop expensive treatments while the other wants to try one more round. Maybe one is just DONE with trying to have kids at all while the other one wants to start researching de/su rro gacy/adoption. These times are the hardest. The most stressful. The most lonely. That said it’s imperative not to flippantly throw out ultimatums to your partner unless you are really ready to walk away from the relationship. It’s not fair to say you want out of the relationship if you can’t have things your way, unless you actually mean it. Anything else is manipulative, petty and will ultimately end in resentment and anger. You’re a team. And just because you don’t like your teammates’ opinion doesn’t mean it’s ok to hold them emotionally hostage.
That said you need to be true to your own desires and what you believe will make you happy. If your partner doesn’t want to try any longer and you do, then maybe it IS time to reevaluate your relationship. But my point is that if you’re really, truly ready to move on from your partner, that’s ok. Just make sure you mean it, because it’s the kind of thing you can’t take back.
Infertility has a weird way of bringing out the worst in so many of us. It can make us feel jealous and petty and bitter. Stressed and anxious and depressed. It’s hard work to feel connected to your partner on this journey, but I guarantee that if you put in the effort to stay emotionally in-tune and open to your partner’s feelings, things will get much better.

I'm in the same boat. We've been TTC just under 3 years. Hard to believe it, but that's the truth. We don't know what our issue is, we've been told 'unexplained,' but as we’re not young (I’m 46), it’s pretty obvious what the reason is. Even though I seem to have very good eggs for my age, my RE is still unwilling to do IVF using my own eggs. Apparently older eggs do not withstand the IVF process very well. Plus, the miscarriage rate at age 45+ is 60-70%. I'm open to IVF with donor eggs, but my DH is not. He does not believe in "forcing' the issue. He also doesn't understand why we have to spent thousands of dollars with no guarantee that the end result will be a baby. He tells me that he would rather spend the $ adopting because at least then, there's a baby in the end. While I do understand, I simply want to try to carry and give birth to my child. Is that selfish of me? I'm not saying I'm against adoption. I just want to try all other avenues to have my child first. Needless to say, this causes a lot of friction between the two of us. Hopefully, we'll have some resolution soon. Best of luck to you ladies.

tarraB5 said:
I'm in the same boat. We've been TTC just under 3 years. Hard to believe it, but that's the truth. We don't know what our issue is, we've been told 'unexplained,' but as we’re not young (I’m 46), it’s pretty obvious what the reason is. Even though I seem to have very good eggs for my age, my RE is still unwilling to do IVF using my own eggs. Apparently older eggs do not withstand the IVF process very well. Plus, the miscarriage rate at age 45+ is 60-70%. I'm open to IVF with donor eggs, but my DH is not. He does not believe in "forcing' the issue. He also doesn't understand why we have to spent thousands of dollars with no guarantee that the end result will be a baby. He tells me that he would rather spend the $ adopting because at least then, there's a baby in the end. While I do understand, I simply want to try to carry and give birth to my child. Is that selfish of me? I'm not saying I'm against adoption. I just want to try all other avenues to have my child first. Needless to say, this causes a lot of friction between the two of us. Hopefully, we'll have some resolution soon. Best of luck to you ladies.

That is basically exactly what my husband says about DE IVF. He also likes to add in that since I have a higher risk of miscarriage he would be even more devastated to spend all that money just to have a miscarriage.
I don’t think it is selfish of you to want to have your own baby. Even though it’s donor eggs, there are some studies which prove that baby takes dna material from a woman who carries it. We just want what all the other millions of parents get without barely trying for it. I agree with the comment about adoption. If there is a chance at all for me to have my own child I am going to do it. No matter what the cost. I try not to bring the subject up with him if I don’t have to because it normally just starts an argument. I think that DE IVF is our only option to have a baby. I am hoping that with all info and studies I found about donor eggs he will be more open to the idea. I guess only time will tell.
I can’t imagine what it must feel like for them to tell you your infertility is unexplained. I feel better at least knowing what our issues are. Not that they are good issues, but at least we know what we are up against. I hope they can figure out something that will work for you. Best of luck to you as well.

Thanks for your kind words. Yes, at this point, we are still at a loss as to why we can't conceive. Our results are fine for our age. I know women who conceive at 45+ and have no problems with fertility. I used to think I would feel better knowing a specific "reason" - but in the end, if you're still childless, it doesn't really matter, does it? We are all in this infertility mess together. I run the risk of miscarriage too. Mostly this means, when and if I do get pregnant, I need to be under the strict supervision of my doctor. Now that won't be a problem, I've been poked, prodded, so many times by doctors, honestly, I think I will like having a doctor watch over me during my pregnancy. I think it will give me peace of mind.
I'll be thinking of you. I completely understand the friction between you and DH, I live it too. I REALLY wish it didn't have to be this hard for you or for me, or for all those couples out there who want to have a child. DH is away on travel for work, but when he gets back, I'm going to need to talk to him about our 'plan' to go back to the RE. I'll keep you posted on how it goes. I hope I'll convince DH to think about de IVF. Maybe he’ll change his mind if I take some money from my parents… Only time will tell. Best of luck to you! Sending baby dust your way!

I can't say my husband was 100% against donor eggs, but he had his doubts. His main reasons against de were 1. price, 2. guarantee, 3. donor' involvement in our life and life of our future child. Let me explain a little bit. Price was the main reason as we spent much money on regular cycles. Also, he was afraid that there is no guarantee we'll gp right after the first cycle. He didn't want to meet a donor. And he didn't want her to be a part of our family on any level. So we did our research. First of all, we decided we'll go abroad as costs for de ivf are much lower there. Second of all, there is, unfortunately, no guarantee for a cycle to be successful, but we decided to have just one attempt. And if it fails, we'll take a break to think what to do next. Third and last of all, we opted for an anonymous procedure. We've never met our donor. We saw her childhood photo. We are really lucky to get pregnant after the first try. We are 16 weeks pg! Do your research TOGETHER and try to find a compromise.