two families coming together ( am i going mad ? )

hello fellow parents

i have this situation and i keep going over it in my head and i feel like im going mad or being made to feel like it.
story as short as i can, im a single dad to a 7 yr old boy with mild cerebral palsy, his mum walked out on us 3 years ago, so ive been his sole carer, i met my girlfriend 2 years ago, she has a 6 year old, and we also have a 9 month old boy together too, my mum died on the 6th feb and our baby was born the 15th feb so it all took its toll me and i ended up having a nervous breakdown, think it was combination of what happened with my sons mum walking out on us and never getting over it, and then mum dying and our son being born all in the space of a week more less, but my problem is that we have come together as a family unit and things have been happening that dont seem fair or sit true with me, and now because ive spoken out im being made to feel like im the one in the wrong or that im just moaning.
As i said i have a son who is 7 and has mild cerebral palsy, moderately well behaved like any normal 7 year old, but when both boys are together things changed rapidly,arugments, whinning not from my son, a few examples ive pin pointed that dont seem right that has been bothering me,her son is very very whinney , always moaning at my son dont do that dont do this, he constantly whines and cries proper tears when he cant get his own way, but something that is botherin me is that a eating situation, my son will eat anything and everything which ive always encouraged, her son is very very picky, we had a roast dinner at her mums, now my son had what i call a mini roast, her son is given mini sausages , carrots and potatoes, and still sat there picking at it and hardly touching it, yet my son was told come on eat your dinner, then her mum mentions chocolate cake for afters her sons eyes light up, so pushes his plate over, my son is still told come on eat your dinner, now to me and how iam with my son, if you dont eat your dinner/ tea you dont get anything for afters, now her son doesnt eat his dinner, but yet is given a slice of chocolate cake, eats that then is given another slice, now to me thats teaching him and hes learning, oh i dont have to finish my dinner becaise i will still get chocolate cake, and ive mentioned this and im told to stop moaning or stop going on,shes blaming this on the fact he had speak problems when younger and only likes certain things but his food is varied, but will quite happily eat sweets cakes, crisp etc and another thing that bugs me is if he doesnt get what he wants he throws a strop gets all moody and often cries, another example is when they go to the supermarket, hes always asking for things, can i buy a little something, and im saying listen we cant keep doing this all the time as we have three boys to think of and plus the cost, but yet if he doesnt get what he wants yet another strop,another example was halloween there were 2 bat cookies left in this packet and there were 4 boys in the house at the time and her son walked up to her mum and whispered to her mum grandma can i have those last two cookies and she whispered back yeh go on, now to me if there wasnt enough to go round he shouldnt have had them, then comes back into the room and starts smirking like look what ive got, and the other 3 boys are saying hey we want some, he then says you cant i had the last two, seems very unfair, i always belive in treating all the kids as equals dont get me wrong im not strict or tight with money i just see it as teaching kids the value of money and they cant always have what they want and things like the eating thing they have to eat their dinner properly, and its like her son is being given a different treatment to my son and you would think in a small way it would be my son who would be given a little bit of leway but i treat my son like a normal little boy, but my main worry and concern is the simple fact im being made out to be the bad guy, the one is constantly moaning and being told to stop going on,and all this dont seem right to me, this is only a few things that have been happening its got that bad the we split up two weeks ago , and were as a family unit going to eurodisney on the 30th nov, now myself and my son are going on our own,

I totally agree with you that your son seems to be getting a hard time and her son is being spoilt!! The thing is if you get back together and work it our you have to start thinking as a united front, it shouldn't be your son vs her son. You need to agree on rukes together. Especially as your boys are very close in age they should be expected to conform to the same ways, it may be different if there were a bigger age gap and you could expect different behaviours but to me her son is ruling the roost. Just think how this must make your little boy feel, he is behaving well eating his dinner etc, but the other boy who doesn't gets rewarded with cake!! Have you discussed how your partner will treat the son you have together? Will she allow him to get his own way like her son? or will she allow you more of a say because you are his biological parent too? If this is going to work as a family you need to scrap the 'my son, your son' thing. They have to be equal; and to be honest if going to her mother's house is a problem perhaps you should avoid it for a while just to prove a point. She shouldn't undermine you, she should stand with you. I can only suggest that you give your little boy a little treat extra here and there to say, "Good boy" and see how she likes it having her son on the recieving end of not being rewarded. If she thinks that's unfair then you can re-lay your point about your son having to do as he's told more than her son. But seriously either it's ALL of you in it together or it wont work!

I agree with you a hundred percent. My daughter is 2 and i bring her up that if you dont eat your dinner then no pudding. i think you did the right thing in splitting up. My opinion there was/is no discepline in your ex girlfriends sons life before you came along. x

I don't think so, it's not good for your 9 month boy, your youngest son need his dad too. You can have a talk with your girlfriend about the issues, and teach her boy how to love others and how to behave well. It's not an issue about relationship, it is a problem of parenting. Good luck.