What to do when dad leaves.

Hi all, hope you can give me some advice,my seven year old has special needs and i now care for him on my own since his dad left 9 months ago.I am finding it very difficult to say no to my son now as i feel i have to provide everything.I feel imensly guilty for the pain he is feeling although it was his father that had the affair and left.My son visits his dad occasionally but nowhere near as much as he should so this causes behaviour problems over and above what i have to deal with with his special needs.I have tried to hold firm and say no but then i get the reply,"Daddy and ...... would get it for me" or "I have it with Daddy" Dont get me wrong I know this sounds like most children and they will try it on to get what they want but I am fighting these feelings all the time which get me down and also have the added problem of not being able to communicate these issues properly to my son so he understands.Hope someone can give me advice on how to be more firm with him and so i can do it without the feeling of him not loving me and resenting me for it. xx Kel

I can sympathise with the problem that you are having. When I was with my wife our eldest was from a previous relationship of hers and so there would be issues from that. And now that we are separated it also means that the kids have an opportunity to do exactly as you say.

If you can talk with your ex about these issues then I would recommend that. Make sure that you are both operating off the same set of rules when it comes to raising your son. Inevitably one party will be better off than the other and able to treat your son more often, and this needs to be explained to your son. So for example the kids know that I have more money than mummy so that combined with the fact that I have less time with them leads to them getting treats a bit more when they are with me, but I don't just give them things when they ask for them. And discipline is handled in roughly the same way with either of us.

Its all about communication, both with your son and your ex. Have a set of rules and stick to them.

Hope this helps!

Thankyou for your advice, i agree with everything you say, we do need to be consistant with Josh but communication is very difficult with my ex as the woman he had the affair with seems to keep getting involved and he will follow everything she says, dont get me wrong if she had something constructive to say i would listen for josh's sake as he does have to spend time with her but it is usually comments on what i am doing wrong which really is not helping the issues of the guilt im feeling.Josh is a very strong willed little boy often urged on by his disorder aswell as him being at that age where he wants to test arthority anyway, My one biggest concern is the fact that when he is frustrated he will take it all out on me in a physical manner, he has always done this right from 9 months but now he is bigger and stronger and it hurts!!! The school nurse has organised some family support for me starting after easter so hope this will help some, once again thanks for the advice its been good to hear from you. x Kel

we just have to explain slowly with our kid...of what really happened..just say the truth.