in-laws issues/problems

I dont know where to begin,, cutting long story short .. I have been married almost 6 yrs and ours was a love marraige, But with in- laws around, I don’t think so... My husband is a very nice person when he is away from his family, but when his family is around him, I dont know what happens to him, he takes me for granted and he gets influenced very easily with them. First 2 yrs of my marriage when we don’t have our own house we lived with my inlaws especially during weekends and holidays... during that time things didnt work out between me and them. there were frequent little arguments over the household chores.. ,,, they always try to act as if they very caring infront of my husband,, in the morning they both getup early start cooking ,breakfast,, and every thing...They Don't let me do anything at home especially with my husband because they do all of my duties towards my husband instead of me as the wife...Im so stressed.. My husband is a kind of a person he will never say anything to them.. in fact he supports them all the time

At last One day we decided to build our own home and I thought that was the end of my stress..in fact we dont live in the same town... but its very sad thing that one day ive learned that I was being cheated by them because they tolerated my husband to be secretive in his finances by lending money to them ..a big amount of money that caused me pain for not letting me know that kind of important matter..saying that it was not in their culture to do such a big announcement and his parents only reason initially was because i was not the one making money is their son anyway! In the beginning I used to treat them like my parents, but they do everything in their power to make me feel like an outsider in that certain “money issue”, considering I am their son wife they just ignore my right to know that…

One thing more when we visits our in laws, They think that since they don't see their son regularly it gives them every right to monopolize and spend every second with him…they don't leave him for a minute. My husband and I barely get a chance to say anything to each other during the entire 24 hours, I could count on my fingers how many words we exchange during the day. My husbands get maybe few minutes in the day and that too is interferred by my inlaws. Coz we don’t seem to have a moment to ourselves considering were only together on weekends as a couple plus when we are in own house there is constant phone calls by the in-laws to find out personal details that impose upon the time and privacy of your marriage..
.
I feel terrrible ..I am a well educated person, earned good amt of money till I stop working because im focusing on my treatment trying to have baby and this is what i get.. my inlaws are always dependent on us financially and they are extremely dominating i am really feeling sick about the whole issue... the only thing that my inlaws wants is to control my husband over things like giving money to them..and to some relatives and neighbors without my knowledge.. ,imagine as the wife i feel by-pass.. involving my husband in every discisions they make without my knowledge. Resulting to disturb my husband time when were together by keeping on minding them.. that’s why sometimes my husband whole system was always irritable by being involved with their different issues not only on money matters, but even their personal conflicts between family members is being brought to my husband as if he is the magician that can turn their conflicts into perfect situation..well in fact its their own choice to be in a problematic situation..they cant solve their own problems..with this,my husband mind was buggling with different problems: our own marital ajustments that we have to deal with..plus adding to much tension from his family own issues.. etc.. But he can work it out because his family members dont have their own effort to be reconciled with one another...thats why issues are just repeating on and on...

I dont know what to do.. have no idea what can be done .. due to the way i have been deceived by them i have almost lost all respect i had.. and i am not sure if i can continue my relationship with them.. on the other hand my husband understands my weaknesses and his parents faults but always tries to make an attempt to keep everyone together... He cannot and i can never ask him to break his relationship.. he tells me that i am the only one who can improve the relationship towards my in-laws.(i dont understand how) when i ask him that how much can i tolerate and this is the end of it.. his reply is that u have set a limit for yourself and only u can change.. feels miserable !!

I feel that life would be so much more peaceful if we didn't have to worry about our in laws. My hubby knows that his parents continually make mistakes after mistakes. Sometimes he tells them off, but he always tells me one thing... that as a son and for the sake of his conscience he wants to do the right thing when it comes to being dutyful and respectful to his parents. He says that let them make as many mistakes as they want, but I want our conscience to be clear.

I feel so helpless and frustrated sometimes, but what to do. Sometimes my inlaws will speak kindly to me, the next day for no reason at all, they will pass sarcastic comments, one day they will have an angry outburst & do everything from abuse to yell to curse in front of me. And yet, I have to bear up with their face.They were Very interfering..

What can I do? The problem is that i love my husband and my husband don't want to do anything wrong. So, im compelled to bear up with some level of nuisance for their sakes.

But, Atleast my husbands stand up for me, atleast he sympathise with me, and try and see things from my perspective. So, in return, I think it's my duty to atleast be respectful to his parents. That's why I think. I avoid spending too much time with them. But, when i spend time, I try to be civil, so that my husband feels proud of me. There are so many women whose in-laws do the same things, and their husbands side their parents... that can be much much worse.

I know it's so sad having this kind of inlaws issues , but im trying to ignore them for the sake of my husband .Although Its really very difficult on my part.. Another thing I've learned is to just make some walk away when they acts mad. In That way I don't have to listen to their nonsense... Or if they insistent about doing this or doing that, I very politely tell them that we have decided this... for this and this reason. Once a decision is made we should not allow our mind to be changed because one of the in-laws voices disapproval. We have a backbone, so we must use it. Problems and conflicts also persist when the one partner fails to correct their unruly parent or family member when boundaries have been breeched.

If they interferes too much in deciding for my husband, , just ignore them or don't involve in their discussion. If my inlaws gives their UNSOLICITED advice, I just play dumb. I sit quietly and continue doing whatever I'm doing as if they are talking to the walls. Then I nod once or twice in between in order to reduce their advice..

How do i keep my peace of mind? Thinking all these things i had gone to depression..
These days I am going through very much stress , im taking treatment to get me pregnant but they are always cancelled..because im always stress out..although doctor has advised me to be happy, peaceful and calm for the benefit of having a baby.. But how can I do that my husband family was very pampered..evertyime we visits them..as soon as I enter the house, I get tensed and whenever I feel the presence of my inlaws around me, I just cant keep my peace of mind. I had gone through lots of suffering and pain in my marriage,. My husband keeps on pushing me to have a good relationship with them and understsand their family, I tried at times but that never got succeeded. When Im away I always think that let me leave the past and have good relationship with them but as soon as they are in front of me , I forget all things and all my old feelings come back. The situation is that my whole body chemistry changes whenever I feel a presence of them and the irony is that we are only visiting them once in a while..

I am very much tensed and stressed out , I really cant understand what to do. Moreover I want to have a baby,, and I want my baby to be fun loving kid. But how I can be happy in this situations.

Any comments,opinions,insights are highly appreciated!

Oh i hear you on the in law thing...I have my father in law thats been living in my livingroom for 3 months now he works with my husband and they make the same amount of money but don't help out with any of the bills or anything. I cook for him and lately i have been cleaning up after him it's getting frustrated and he's a chain smoker so he's constantly smelling like smoke in and out the house every 5 minutes. Hes moody and i can never relax in my livingroom at night and watch movies anymore. We never have any alone time and everywhere he goes he has to drag his son along its so frustrating ahhhhhh.And hes not saving up any money for his own place i just want him gone before this baby arrives which is in 4 months and i already have 3 children its getting pretty cramped in here if you know what i mean.Hes in a bad mood all the time so it makes my husband moody and he snaps at me and then apologizes after about it but come on we women can only take so much. I kinda think he may be holding a grudge cause he ran there business and was slacking off so the developer gave it to my husband hes jealous that we can see so i think he is trying to make our lives miserable like he feels. But the important thing is he does not treat me bad or disrespect me or my kids which are not his grandchildren my 4 year old calls him grandpa and is very close to him.I just wish he would get his own place soon it would make life soooooo much easier.

tnx..angiebaybay for your time replying on my post..its really difficult to us DIL to deal with in-laws..i think your case is kind a hard coz your Father In Law was living with you ..i really admire your being a stronger person for bearing that kind of challenge..isnt't???as for me im just visiting my IL at leat once a month sometimes once every 2 months LOL! its just that this past few months they are so much problamatic and im as well dealing with my own Trying to conceive issues..thats why im so sencitive even on small things...

Please only post you topic once. People will see it where ever you post it, most members use the Unseen forum posts link where all threads posted on since their last visit are shown. If it is in the wrong place one of the MODS will move it for you.