My sister has really hurt me over Sophie - bit long!

My sister has no children but is a really lovely person - most of the time 😉

She's been a brilliant aunty to Jasmine but she's not exactly been wonderful around Sophie. I'm confused and wonder if anyone can shed light on her behaviour? My friend say 'jealous' but I can't see why now and not with Jas.

Anyway, she is almost 60 (there is 17 years between us) and when I had Jas, she was absolutely smitten. She offered to babysit straight away (not that I took her up on it) and as Jas has grown up, she has stayed with Jen & Stuart (my bro-in-law who is 77 now!) for odd weeks in school holidays and they take her out and she has a thoroughly great time with them. They are both very attentive to Jas and always make a ton of effort.

When Sophie was due to be born, we had arranged for Jas to be dropped over at Jen's (Jas lives with my ex-husband - he was the house husband so logical it stayed that way when we split) as she had to see a consultant after hurting her arm in a horse riding accident and my ex was dropping her off so she was with Jen & Stuart awaiting our call to come over or that we were being released from the ward. I had said they could bring Jas straight over to me but they weren't allowed in until 3pm. Jen said we couldn't expect Stuart to drive back and forth (she doesn't drive) as they were having some furniture delivered that day and it would mean running around. OK, that was that and left. Anyway, Mike had texted Jen at 2am after Sophie was born and said he'd call in the morning - which being excited about his first child he forgot to do 😊 Jas has been dropped off and at the hospital we're told we can probably go straight home after seeing the consultant so having received a few texts from Jen in the ward (naughty I know) and eventually her phoning me after 30 minutes to say I must call Jas now and tell her about Sophie - which I did, not realising Mike hadn't done so as he had popped downstairs to see his dad who was waiting in the cafe area of the hospital to take us home (he'd been there from 9am - 3pm when we were eventually released).

I'm rambling about this as it becomes relevant...bear with me!

Anyway, I say to Jas and Jen we waiting to be released so hang on as it might be easier to meet us at home. I ended up calling Jen just before 3pm to say we were released and just leaving. She said they'd just turned up at the hospital and were trying to find a parking space. I said ok to bring Jas in and she could come back with us at which point Jen said don't worry, they'll head off to a garden centre, get a cup of coffee, give us a chance to get home and then be over. They actually were at our house before we were. I found it odd they didn't get out of the car as we pulled up but a few minutes later...

They came in and fussed around Sophie and Jas was smitten with her with lots of presents from both Jen and Jas to give to us. Mike was totally pushed out by Jen which he commented on afterwards (he didn't feature in ONE photo that was taken that afternoon - something I didn't realise as I was just looking after Sophie and Jas).

A few days later Jen called me to say that Jas had been upset she couldn't come to the hospital, I should have phoned her immediately to tell her about Sophie, Mike was wrong in not calling as he said he would, etc, etc. A *HUGE* guilt trip! I felt absolutely devastated that I'd upset Jas in any way! 🙁 Jen really laid in how upset she'd been. I wondered because she'd not said anything to me as was as happy as anything when we got home. I asked Jas about this and she said she would have liked to have come to the hospital but she didn't mind as all she wanted was to see Sophie and hold her. She said she hadn't been as upset as Jen made out but was a little sad to have had to wait for so long to see Sophie (6 hours in a 10 year old's life is a long time isn't it). She couldn't have come before around noon anyway as Jen & Stuart were waiting for their furniture! She understood that completely.

Well, I've not forgotten what Jen said about Jas being upset and it's kinda bugged me in the back of my mind since. Almost putting a slight damper on what was a very exciting day bringing our new baby girl home. What mum would want to upset their child right?

Lately, every time I've seen Jen, she has said that Sophie isn't a happy child, is always crying, I should take her to a doctor as something might be wrong with her, doesn't like being held by strangers and I should just make her get used to it, etc, etc. It's like she doesn't like Sophie at all 😢 It's really starting to hurt me 😭 Mike is getting very angry about it and finding it hard to control his temper with her as he said she just keeps on upsetting me and seemingly having a go at Sophie.

Jen also said Stuart wanted to hold Sophie. I have asked him if he'd like to EVERY time I see them and he always says no. Jen told a friend the other day that Stuart still has not held Sophie and she's a bit annoyed about it. What am I supposed to do - just drop Sophie in his lap? He clearly doesn't want to hold her so why is Jen turning it that I'm denying him this?

As I said, she's been absolutely brilliant with Jas. She was a bit upset that after Sophie was born, Jas was due to stay with them for a week and she said she didn't want to - she wanted to stay with us and Sophie, but surely Jen can't be jealous of a little baby?

I'm sorry it's so long. It's been almost like therapy to get it down on paper as such 😭

Has anyone been through anything like this? I really don't know what to do or say. I'm tempted just not to go round there but will that make matters worse? We don't get together every week even so it's not like we live in each others pockets. Also, Jen's commented about the fact we pop to Mike's parents a bit more and they hold Sophie. I pointed out she cries with Lily EVERY time she holds her but they don't not want to see her or get the hump. I offered Jen to hold Sophie last week when I was over and she just said "there's no point, she'll only cry". Her friend over the road has had a baby girl too and apparently this baby loves being held by everyone, never cries, is always happy, etc - I hate it already and I've never even met it! 😇

Phew, that was a good rant...sorry ladies.

😘 Krista I don't know what to say 😘 Sounds heard for everyone concerned.

The best bet is to talk with your sister but dont avoid her that will only make things worse (you will be the baddie for keeping her niece from here and avoiding her) My big sister and my Aunt (who have no kids) often makes comments about things J does and I have learnt to ignore it now but it would wind me up at times.

😘

I think she's being childish by any standards, let alone for a woman of her age. Maybe she is having digs as she is feeling 'old' while you are still in your prime having babies etc. It may be that she's good with Jas because she's been around for so long and when she was born your sister felt alot younger. Actually my nan who is now 72 acts strange and jealous and I often feel like she makes things awkward between myself and my kids/hubby. If I were to confront her she'd say how much she cares and wants to help; and act as if I were being the one causing the bad vibes; but I can see through some of her comments and it makes me resentful of her sometimes and want to avoid her for a few days. Maybe your sister is acting up more because of a problem she has with herself, but you are baring the brunt of it. If you don't feel like seeing her then don't, or not as often anyway. Then if she asks why you can tell her you've been alittle uncomfortable lately about things that have been said.

I don't think anyone can complain about a little baby preferring to be with their mum over someone else, that's why we're their mum isn't it!!!

I think she's jealous. I don't know what to say, maybe you could talk to her about it. After all, It didn't happened before. 😘

This may sound very personal but i presume Sophie has a differant father to Jas, And jas lives predominantley with her father could it be that she doesnt see sophie as much as she see's jas or the other way round now that sophie is here.

Either way it sounds very petty on her side, as the others ahve said maybe she is just jealous as when you had Jas there was a chance she could still have a child and she missed the oppertunity now you have sophie maybe she just is jealous and regretful the she doesnt have what you have

Lihra said:
This may sound very personal but i presume Sophie has a differant father to Jas, And jas lives predominantley with her father could it be that she doesnt see sophie as much as she see's jas or the other way round now that sophie is here.

Either way it sounds very petty on her side, as the others ahve said maybe she is just jealous as when you had Jas there was a chance she could still have a child and she missed the oppertunity now you have sophie maybe she just is jealous and regretful the she doesnt have what you have

Hey Natalie, you're not being personal at all 😀 You're spot on. Jas has a different dad and does indeed live with him. He's a great dad to her too.

Jen dotes on Jas and loved having her for school holidays, etc. However, since Sophie arrived, Jas doesn't want to go to Jens, she wants to stay with her baby sister and us. She did go there for a couple of days for panto around Xmas and was fine. Jas loves Sophie to bits - another blessing that she does 😀

Sadly, Jen could not have children. She would have made a great mum I'm sure. However, she does try and tell me what to do with mine at times and I kinda think "hey, you have no real idea as you've not been there" but I try not to be rude to her as I know her heart is in the right place. She doesn't think at times and just opens her mouth.

Beccy - you're right. It does sound similar to your nan. Jen really does like to help but she goes about it totally cack-handed at times. I'm seeing her on Wednesday as a friend is signing Sophie's passport application so I think I'll just let her know that I'm finding what she's saying offensive. We've fallen out before (I have a temper and am very stubborn) but I try hard not to bite but hell, it's hard at times 😬

I just find it all terribly painful when anyone, let alone a family member, has a go at my new baby girl whom I love to bits! 👶

Aww, hun. It must be sooo hard to hear her making comments about Sophie. I think you are right to have it out with her. I have always believed honestly is the best policy. I don't think we can expect people to change their behaviour or stop making hurtful comments if they aren't even informed that what they are doing is hurtful to you.
I agree with Lihra too. It sounds as though she may be a bit jealous as she is missing out on seeing Jas as much (who she obviously adores) because she wants to be with her mum and little sis. There is also the posibility that she feels like she can't do anything right for sophie. Jas obviously loves her and i'm sure she hoped Sophie would feel the same way. If sophie gets upset when she is held by her she may feel that sophie 'hates' her and that can be upsetting thinking her beautiful new niece doesn't like her 🙁 . I know logically it is silly to think that way and i'm sure she does too but it is sometimes hard to hide those sorts of disappointed feelings and they show themselves in the wrong way :suspect:. There could be a whole loads of resons for why she is behaving the way she is hun, like i said already, asking her why and being honest, telling her it has upset you is the only way you will ever know! Good luck hun, i really hope you can get it sorted without having a fallout. 😘 😘 😘

I think you need to talk to her - her mind may be reeling with allsorts of emotions and you just happen to get the brunt of them, she may not even realise what she doing

I agree tbh that she is showing signs of jealousy!

You are enjoying life, have brought a new baby into the world and you have a beautiful family!

YOu really need to talk to her hun and see just what the problem is. It canot continue can it? xxx

Spoke to sis today. She was quite defensive and said that she thinks Jas is being pushed out because of the fiasco on the day I was discharged from hospital with Sophie. Apparently it's all my and Mike's fault for not phoning Jas quickly enough, her not coming to the hospital to see Sophie, etc, etc. I said to Jen that if I'd made any kind of mistake with that, there was nothing I could do about it now no matter what I felt (which is a huge heap of guilt thanks to Jen anyway). Jen also said Mike was at fault for not phoning her or Jas immediately in the morning and should have thought about Jas's feelings. I said that could Jen for one minute also think about Mike's? He'd just had a baby, his first and a child he never thought he would have (not for medical reasons, just he never expected to be blessed with a baby) and was, to put it mildly, over-excited about Sophie and everything else went out the window a bit really the morning he turned up at hospital to collect us. I think he really could be forgiven for that. However, Jen had me close to tears again over that all and really, that will live with me for the rest of my life that I may have not done the right thing by Jas on that day 😢

I said to Jen I didn't think she liked Sophie. She said again well she always cries when I hold her and then said "to be honest, we haven't seen enough of her to know whether we do or don't like her". I nearly fell of the chair!

She then said that she'd offered to look after Sophie when I had my MRI scan next month but then I'd told her Mike was taking the day off to do it so not to worry but thanks. She said didn't I trust her with Sophie? What was that??? When she'd offered I said Mike didn't know what his rosta was and if he could take leave so I'll let her know but that sounded a lovely idea and thanked her. The fact it meant I would have to drive 40 minutes over to where she lives, leave Sophie there and drive back to 10 minutes away from where I live to the hospital, then back again, was irrelevant. I appreciated her offer but, yet again, it seems I've done wrong 🙁

She was annoyed that Mike's dad had more photos on his camera of Sophie the day she was born than she had. She said I don't let her hold Sophie for long enough. Lots like that... Even this morning a friend of ours was signing Sophie's passport application so as I got out of the car Jen was saying I should take her across the road to see him as he'd not met her. It was raining so I said I'll leave her with you Jen and take her if he wants to see her (he'd not met her). She kept on about me taking her so then when I got into her house with Sophie, she asks how to get her out of her car seat so I said not to bother as I'll take her over to Peter. Would you believe that she then had a go at me about that when I got back saying I didn't trust her to leave Sophie there for a few minutes!!

I give up... 😬

We ended up saying we'll have to agree to disagree and I'll bring Sophie over to see her a bit more and see how it goes but I'm very close to the end of my tether with her. We've fallen out before and I think we're close to doing it again... 🤔

I just don't know what to make of it.

Wow, i don't really know what to say hun. It seems your sister is very jealous of Sophie and everybody else at the moment? Do you know if she has anything else she is upset/worried about in her life at the moment? It really does seem to be quite strange. Especially as it all came out of the blue?
Please try not to blame yourself (or mike) for not ringing your sister and Jas on the morning after Sophie was born hun. I really think this issue is with her and not Jas at all. I know you have already spoken to Jas about it and although i'm sure she would have loved to have seen you both at the hospital it really doesn't seem like it is anywhere near as big an issue for her as your sister is making out! If Jas was really that upset she wouldn't be wanting to spend her time with you, mike and Sophie and i'm sure she would have told you if she felt at all pushed out. Or at least be acting up, because of it. Doesn't seem any of that is going on!
Can i ask, did any of Mikes family visit you at the hospital hun? Only it seems that it is her that felt pushed out and not Jas at all. I think she felt she should have been there and she wasn't (i can't believe it has gone on so long though?) The comment about how many pictures were taken just goes to show how jealous she really is. I mean what difference does it make, who took what piccies?
As for the not knowing if she likes Sophie or not comment because she hasn't seen her very much. Well that is just pure stupidness. Sophie is a baby. How could you decide you didn't like her, whatever the circumstances? She is her niece, for goodness sakes!
I can understand entirely why you are so mad hun. Well done for trying to clear the air though. All you can do is keep to your word and see if things get any better. If not, then tbh i certainly wouldn't blame you for falling out with her and her not seeing the kids. At the end of the day it will certainly be her loss and it may make her realise how petty she is really being about all of this?

😘 😘 😘

I don't know what to say hun,its awful when someone you are suppose to be close to makes you feel so bad.Imo i think she keeps bringing up that particular day as she can see its hurts you when she mentions it and its probably the only excuse she has to throw at you to justify herself in what she is doing to you .I hope she wakes up to her self and realises that if she pushes you to far she will not only miss out on having a relationship with her sister but also with her two beautiful nieces and that would be hard for her even if she acts like she doesnt care. 😘
You are a great woman for trying to sort this out and being patient with her it just go's to show how much you care.

mum2popsnjak said:
Can i ask, did any of Mikes family visit you at the hospital hun? Only it seems that it is her that felt pushed out and not Jas at all. I think she felt she should have been there and she wasn't (i can't believe it has gone on so long though?)

Hi hun. Yes, Mike's dad came to the hospital because he was picking us up. He popped his head round the curtain to my bed for literally about 30 seconds when he arrived with Mike (he brought Mike over with the baby seat, etc) and then went downstairs to the cafe where he stayed until 3pm (he arrived at 9am!) when we turned up with Sophie to say we were ready to go. He never came back up to see her at all. Jen did have a bee in her bonnet that Bob (Mike's dad) was there and Jas wasn't. I have told her until I'm blue in the face that Bob did indeed arrive and see Sophie briefly, but he wasn't with me for 6 hours by the bedside. She can't seem to get that at all!

She's texted me today to ask if I could express some milk next time I go over to see her so she can feed Sophie. I said I would.

I'm really, really trying but very edgy at the moment which I think is understandable.

Thanks to everyone for your support. It means a lot that I'm not barking mad!! 🙃

shes very bitter and i dont blame her

not being able to have children makes you want them even more, and shes probably acting different now because your not in your 20's and still able to have a baby

make she sophie isn't hungry and is in a good mood before you hand her over, if shes still crying its probably because she can tell that your sister is being dissaproving towards her

i remember welling up when i saw babies in asdas after ttc for over two years and also feeling anger/jelousy towards pregnant women

i ddn't like or want to feel that way but i couldn't help it