should i be coping better

(sorry thats its long...i have posted on other forums but not received replies so i thought i would try here!)

My husband left 7 months ago, as we had some issues that have been going for years. I didnt want him to leave and suggested we go to a counsellor to fix it. He left anyway and i decided that i needed to be strong for our kids. Infact i have been happier on my own with the children since then as i realised how miserable he made me.

He is now living away is a small bedsit and is a student. When he wanted to visit the children (which was not often) i allowed him to stay over as he lived far away. (was this wrong?) I helped and accomdated him whenever i could and he never returned the respect and has made things difficult for me to move on. Telling me he is lonely and depressed and blaming me for being strong...he wont except that he chose to leave. He had left me and the kids a few times before for thinking space...and i just had to make that decision that this was the last time. Stay and work it out or go and thats it.

The last time he visited i checked his mobile (wrong i know but i had my doubts) And i found out he is in a relationship with another student. The messages were very intimate and suggested they are in love and have been sharing their room.

Now i feel crushed....I cant sleep or eat and the messages go round and round in my head....i visualise things i shouldnt. He was never romantic with me and i feel worthless.

I was upset with the deceit that he let me believe he was lonely and depressed and that he was only away to "assess the situation" Although he never once said he wanted to come back. He had said he had no friends and i asked at christmas if he had met anyone and we had a friendly chat...he never said a word about this girl!

Suddenly all my strengh has gone and i want to talk with him, and hug him. I feel like i need him to comfort me when i should be angry with him? Its as though all the sadness and loneliness have hit me at once. I keep thinking of the things I should have done to save the relationship. But rationally i know i tried really hard and that he never treated me well.

Whats going on with me? I feel like i am going insane? I am not usually a jealous person, so i hope that my feelings are not that, however i think it was the deceit and the shock if the secrets.

can anyone shed some light....all opinions welcome!

hi hun

i can kinda understand the situation your in my daughters dad & i are a bit similiar. we broke up this time last year and i moved out with our girl into my parents 160miles away from him & his family, i got myself back on my feet rented my own place & id met a guy who i had known for 7 years who told me how he felt about me just before i left and help me find the strength to get out of the relationship as it was very unhappy in the end we didnt communicate & our arguments were very volitile.

he found out i was seeing this guy and he got very nasty and agressive (told me id hurt him & he always would hate me and he hoped i died a slow painful death etc) then after wed be seperate about a month he called me telling me he was going to kill himself etc (i could tell he was being serious by his voice) we then decided to talk and see if we could sort things out and a month later in march we decided to give it another go things were really good to begin with he had changed back to how we were when we first got together but after a couple of months we ended up back in the same situation as before and by august we broke up.

i started seeing someone else a couple of months later and told him a couple of weeks later then at the christening of our little girl at the end of oct he pulled me to one side told me he missed me and wanted me back and to try again so after a few weeks of talking and stuff i told him that we could look at trying again and broke up with this guy and he then told me he wasnt sure if he wanted to try again saying that sometimes he misses me and other times he didnt and thinks he only missed me cos we were talking all the time about the christening.

ive come to the conclusion that he only wants what he cant have and then when he can he freaks out and doesnt know if he wants it.

i think your ex may have been feeling like why doesnt she miss me why she acting like she doesnt care and wanted to make you feel how he thought in his head you would be after he left i think in my opinion you need to be strong again like you were and show him that he cant break you and that you only have contact with him about the kids and thats it. its going to be hard i still find it hard now a year on and im seeing someone else picking up my life and moving on but part of me always plays the texts my ex had from other women on his phone & the messages he had in his emails/msn log and what hed been saying to these girls.

i hope i been some help with your situation

Hun, never being in this situation, I can only agree with what Ellee has said. I think she has hit the nail on the head. i hope things get better for you, 😘 x