Opinion about attending a wedding

Hi

My wife was a member of a forum for mums. A small group of them formed a new forum that was quite restrictive on members that could join. They opened the forum up to other people. She has met a number of the women from this site, and I even attended one of the meetings.

Earlier this year she started to talk to one of the men on the site. She met him at a pub with some of the other people on the site. Since then she has been talking to him more including MSN, SMS and on the phone.

She recently told me that he had asked her to go to his brothers wedding with him. She tells me that another woman from the site has also been invited. She is staying tonight at the woman's house before going to the wedding tomorrow, and staying at the hotel tomorrow night.

My opinion is that this is not appropriate behaviour considering how short a period of time she has known this man.

I am asking for your opinion on whether or not this is appropriate behaviour for a married woman.

Tricky...Have you verified the info she has given you?...I myself would be sceptical about my other half suddenly going off like this..I have to ask, why did you not get invited along?...that seems very strange from my viewpoint...But on the other hand it could be simply that she is telling the truth about it all...do you suspect foul play here? if you can give a few more details, then I'll add some more...( Details like are you guys happy in your marriage etc, helps build a better picture )

Hi there, I think it would be inappropriate for any woman whether married or not. From what I gather she hardly knows this man at all and has only just recently met him.

I also gather from your intro post that there may be problems with your marriage. Has this started since she started chatting to this man or did it start before then??

I would be concerned if it were my partner and I would almost certainly be jealous. Has she given you any other details about where the wedding is etc??

Sorry, probably not much help
x

Rich said:
Tricky...Have you verified the info she has given you?...I myself would be sceptical about my other half suddenly going off like this..I have to ask, why did you not get invited along?...that seems very strange from my viewpoint...But on the other hand it could be simply that she is telling the truth about it all...do you suspect foul play here? if you can give a few more details, then I'll add some more...( Details like are you guys happy in your marriage etc, helps build a better picture )

i agree with Rich hun it does seem a little weird!

As per my intro post we are going through a very rough patch at the moment. I will elaborate further so this post will be a bit long.

The first I knew about any problems was the day that she told me she thought we should split up which she told me at 11:30PM when I had just got back from work and visiting my dad who was ill. It was also 10 days before our 2nd wedding anniversary and 3 weeks after we had been together for 9 years, and 4 weeks after meeting this other man in the flesh for the first time at the beginning of March.

She tells me that the problems have been building up since her brother died last May (age 24) but she felt that the problems were her own to deal with and did not discuss them with me.

Since she told me how she felt we have been through a number of weeks of discussions about it which have normally turned into arguments. She told me that she found/finds this other man sexually attractive although she says that it doesn't mean she is going to jump into bed with him. She also told me that she still loves me but it is not the same any more. She doesn't find me attractive any more and doesn't seem to enjoy spending time alone with me, instead preferring to go online to talk to her friends.

She kept asking for some space to think and so eventually I moved out for what was planned to be 2 weeks. After 4 days she talked to my mum and then phoned and asked me to come home as she wanted to try and make things work. I left it for a few days before going home as I had things planned for the weekend and my dad was having surgery to have a melanoma removed from his brain.

When I got back we left the kids with her dad for the bank holiday weekend and spent the time together. We had a good time in which we went shopping, went out for a meal, we cuddled and kissed. Then after the weekend everything went cold again.I put it down to the fact that it was the week leading up to the anniversary of her brothers death, but when it continued I asked her what was going on. She told me that she had tried that weekend but it did not feel right.

At the same time I was in the process of arranging a business trip to New York which coincided with half term and so I asked her if she would like to come as we could take a couple of days to ourselves. She agreed. A week before the trip I was told that my reason for going had been cancelled but as I had already bought the tickets we decided to go anyway.

I had hoped to get her to myself for that time but instead she brought her phone with and was constantly texting people, mainly this other man. The last night that we ha there we went on a dinner cruise around lower Manhatten and stopped in front of the statue of liberty. It was very romantic but made no difference to her feelings.

We got home late on Thursday after picking the kids up from my mum. Yesterday she spent all day getting ready for this wedding which included forgetting to phone somebody about a party our daughter is attending today. As soon as the kids were in bed she left last night to stay at a friends house nearer to the wedding as it starts at 1030 today. For me as it is only 1.5 hours away I would have driven down this morning. She left at 6pm saying she would text to let me know she was there safe. She texted at 9:30pm to let me know she was there and it was the first chance she had had to text, and that she was switching her phone (something she didn't manage to do while we were in New York except for one day).

So you are all probably all catching a few 😴 😴 😴 now but hopefully there is a bit more info there.

To respond to one last point that was raised. I don't think I was invited because she was asked to go to support him. Not sure why he would require support at a family wedding, but who am I to judge. I have asked to meet this other man saying that there shouldn't be a problem if he is just a "friend".

sorry to hear about your problems hun but this just doesnt sound right to me! i would never go and leave my dp to go to a wedding if he wasnt invited, it all sounds alittle strange! do you think there is a chance that she could be seeing this man behind your back and using this wedding as a cover up?

jodie x

I hate to say it and really hope that I am wrong, but this doesnt seem like it is going to have a happy outcome for you 🙁

Like Jodie says, do you think the wedding may be a cover up for something else. Do you know where the wedding is supposed to be??

I really do hope that you can both work this out together

thinking of you hun 😘
x

Jodie

The thought has crossed my mind, and I have asked her straight up if anything has happened. She tells me nothing has happened, and while we are still together and trying to work things out she would not do anything with anybody.

She uses babe and hun when talking to him online, which I took to be more than it is because I can see from the few responses I have already received that this is just the way that people, or at least the women, talk on these types of forums.

Owen

oh dear orc30 😘

as she has already admitted that she finds this other man attractive i think you really need to have a heart to heart one night when the kids are in bed.

tell her how much you love her, what your marriage means to you and ask her what she sees in the future and get her to be brutally honest with whats at the root of the prolems. you need to see if she is prepared to work on your marriage and maybe look at relate counselling or similar.

has she said anything about the kids in all of this?? you leaving and coming back is bound to affect them.

good luck orc30 hope you get your situ sorted out for the best

esther

Believe me there have been many heart to heart discussions. I explained to her how much I love her and how much all of this is hurting me.

Her mum left home when she was 15 and left her with her adopted father. She thinks the kids will adapt if we split up and it won't be a problem. I on the other hand think it will be a problem. The eldest (9yo) is not mine but I have been around since she was 6 months old and so I am dad. She has regular contact with her father every other weekend which she copes with. How is she going to cope with 2 part time dads? The middle child is okay, but the youngest has a problem with his eyes and will probably be statemented by the time he goes to school.

Visiting a friend that lives near this other man she has been late back on a number of occasions meaning that the kids have suffered. We make plans to do things and then they get changed at the last minute so she can go and see this friend who lives close to this other man.

With regards to me being away affecting the kids. We can easily cover this up at the moment with work, as I often travel away for work for up to a week at a time.

To me, bar a few minor things, I had everything that I wanted. If you were to ask me what the ideal/dream situation would be, we had it.

Sure I would like to be able to work a normal day and earn the same money, but that is just a fact of life. I only have two real problems at the moment. The first is the state of the house. It is always a mess with clothes and dishes everywhere and little housework being done. I do not think it is the womans place to do all these things, but when I work 60+ hours a week sometimes and she doesn't work at all I think that she should do the majority of the housework. She complains that she doesn't have time but manages to find the time to go out during the almost every day with her friends, and spend time online chatting.

The other thing is smoking. It has been a touchy subject for a long time. I have never smoked but when I met her she did. She cut back and when falling pregnant with our first together she stopped. She didn't really smoke then until after our second was born. Then something happened which started her off again. She hid it from me for a long time and I got angry when I found out. She promised to give up after the wedding, which she did for a while, and then she started again secretly. When I found out I was very angry and felt deceived and that a level of trust had been lost. She has smoked more since her brother died and since we have started having these problems she has been smoking 10 a day.

I learnt to put up with it knowing that I can't force her to change. I asked her to promise me one thing which was not to do it around the children. She promised but I have since seen and been with her when she is smoking with them in the car, outside the school, when taking them to town shopping. I don't want them to grow up thinking that smoking is okay.

We have been to an initial relate session before I moved out for a few days, but she said that she didn't see the point in continuing. I have now started reading one of the relate books and will be pushing to go there, although it will be difficult with work. Does anybody know of any similar organisations to relate?

I feel so bad for you as I was in a similar situation in the past and every day it plagued me. I was hurt,angry and desperate for the situation to change. I think she has pushed well over the boundaries; I mean you wouldn't invite someone to your brother's wedding unless it was a date kind of thing. Unless they knew the brother in which case the brother would be inviting them. You said she admitted being attracted to him but being married with children she should cut all ties with this man and put her family first. It might seem scary as you think you might lose her but give her an ultimatum. It might break your heart if things don't go your way but you will feel worse if you're still in this situation in six months time feeling so unhappy; especially if something does happen between them and you look back and think "Why didn't I finish this sooner". I feel for you so much, thankfully my hubby cut the other woman out of his life and it's better now but if he hadn't have done I told him we'd be over.

I spoke to my wife around 6pm yesterday whilst she was at the reception. I had asked her to call to talk to the kids who were missing her. I turns out the other woman from the forum that was supposed to be going with her and this man (plus his two kids who were brides maid and page boy) decided not to go due to some personal problems. She reassured me that she was staying in a room with this man's female cousin.

I want to try something like Relate rather than putting an ultimatum to her, although it may reach a conclusion quicker. My worry is that as the man in the relationship I have a lot more to lose than she does, such as living with the kids and probably the house. Due to financial problems at the moment she would probably end up financially better off. If she won't agree to counselling then I will probably put an ultimatum to her as we cannot go on the way we are.

Our eldest is visiting her father this weekend and is due to be collected at 5pm. She has promised to be back for this but has failed many times before.

I asked her to come back today by midday so that we could do something with the kids as we haven't really seen them all week having taken her to New York for a break and to try to get things back on track. She said she wasn't going to cut back on drinking and having fun to make it back at a certain time.

I am trying to put the kids first but know that if we split up she will end up with the kids. To do the best for the kids I would have to let them go with her otherwise I would end up slitting them up as I would never get custody of the eldest as she is not mine.

It sounds to me like she really needs to get her priorities sorted!!! To say that she is not going to cut back on her drinking and having fun when she has been doing it all weekend smacks of selfishness to me, sorry!!

Hope you do manage to get some time together with the kids today 😘

im really sorry but i personally think that maybe the children and ur self would be better off away.cos surely its not fair on ur children havin there mother doin weekends away. surely they must thik something funnys goin on. i realy hope u ca sort this out as maybe now shes been away it can be resloved but i think u really need to b honest with urself as what u think she is doin. hope i havent offened u x

I'm sorry to say this but there seems too many coincedents (sp) with this wedding, also, has she given you any support with your fathers illness?

The kids will have noticed that something isn't right between you both, I know it's a terrible thing to say, but breaking up may be better for them as well as you.

Also I may call you hun, but I'm not sure I would call you babe. I would say these things to other women but not babe to another male that isn't my husband (no offence)!

One question though, please don't take this the wrong way, but has she got any friends outside of her online life? I'm only asking as I find it hard to make friends face to face but I can talk easily and join in on conversations on this forum, maybe she feels like she knows the man she talks to because shes had lengthy conversations with him and they will have told each other things that they maybe wouldn't have done face to face. Also forums are a source of info for parents but also support though I'm unsure that the women would be too supportive of her going behind your back (if thats what she is doing). I'm only guessing here though.

My Dh fell out with a friend that he made through the forum he goes on to do with his hobby (he moderates on it so talks to quite alot of the members through MSN) as I've also made friends with him now and talk to him on MSN. We were messing about and saying some things in jest but my husband wasn't too impressed and felt some of the things that this bloke said to me were a bit innapropriate. I listened to what he said though and so did his friend and although nothing was ever meant seriously in the first place, we respect my Dh's feelings.

I know I've not been much help but all the best x

i am really sorry to here about your problems at the moment it must be really hard and stressfull hunni. i cant realy say anymore than the others have i really hope everything gets better for you and yours children soon x 😘

Hi All

No offence taken with any of your responses. Most of you saying what has been sat in the back of my mind. Is she cheating on me? Maybe I'm gullible but I believe that she has not cheated on me regardless of her behaviour.

She did not make it back in time today to pick up the eldest, at the pickup time she was still over an hour away.

To find out what happened next see my new thread.