how to be a step parent??

hi people
first some background - ive been with dh 2 half years got married in feb this year, i have ds (7) from a previous he has ds1(9) and ds2(7) and we have a dd(16mths) together. we have had his 2 ds to stay every other weekend since i we moved in together 2 yrs ago. in the beginning had big problems with ds1 (bed wetting, ignoring us, hitting, lying) and then on off until last sept. since then he he hasnt wet the bed and has been rather good not hitting etc.. but we still have a huge problem with lying - over the silliest thing (have you changed your boxers, did you take a biscuit) which always blow out of proportion because he lies.

i had problems with my step mother and step sister so in our house we always tell the truth and be honest. so this is a biggie for me. we never smack the kids our only punishment is possibly taking gameboy/xbox off them for a night or something. it has got to the point where my son has started to lie when he really never did. we have even tried if you tell us the truth you will get a treat just to get him to see that honesty is best policy. other ds2 dont have any problem with at all and if he says it wasnt him on asking again he will always admit it.

dh sat down and asked each of them individually what happens when they are at home and they lie and get found out - ds2 said he gets something taken away and ds1 says he gets smacked.

when dh picked them up on friday his ex said ds1 had been told off a few times for one thing or another and ds1 had wet the bed, and this weekend ds1 has smacked my ds and ds2.

i really believe that ds1 is coping a load off grief from dh's ex and her partner and i feel from his behaviour he is probably getting clouted?? when we tell them off we do shout etc but ds hasnt wet the bed for over a year so why would he do it at home after a telling off?? seems to me that he is terrified - hence him lying here all the time.

i feel so sorry for this little mite having 2 sets of parents and rules but i will not accept his lying/hitting in our household. things are only just amicable with dh's ex so we can't really go and question her parenting skills (although they are beyond belief some of her ideas - taking tv off them as punishment(fair enough) but never giving it back? making them sleep on floor if they chat at night and making ds1 strip his bed and bawling him out for wetting the bed)

ds1 seems like he is in a world of his own and doesnt answer any question with what he feels or thinks but with answers he thinks you want to hear IYKWIM any ideas how to get through to him and should we question him about home life??

sorry for the novel

i really dont know hun but i do think you should question what goes on at home! i think this lil boy is confused and obviously needs his mum to help him but doesnt seem as though she is doing this! he needs to feel secure but if he gets shouted at for wetting the bed then he wont will he!

i understand its hard for you and ya oh but i think you should bring the subject up with his ex as this lil boy needs to feel safe and he shouldnt be sleeping on floors thats cruel!

maybe just try spending alone time with him and try to get a few answers off him about what goes on when he is at home!

good luck hun jo xxx

Hey Chick,
First of all, I agree with you and Jo, it must be so confusing for them both!
I think the best you can do is just be assertive when it comes to living by your rules, because if you feel sorry for him because of what happens at his mum's house and let him off all the time then as well as him running rings around you, the other kids aren't going to be very happy and they may start playing up too!
All you can do is try to teach him right from wrong, don't hit people etc.
And also while he is at yours, do your best to help him stop wetting the bed.
Soon he will realise that he has to behave himself at your house, and that you are actually the nice guys, and he should open up... well both of them should really as it will rub off on the other lil one.
Also, don't be hard on yourself, it is near mission impossible to know how to look after someone else's child!

Lots of Love,
MummyG xxx

It sounds to me like he is attention seeking hun. I have a feeling that at home with his mum the only way he gets noticed is when he is being told off so is deliberatly naughty to get attention and unfortunately sees it as the way he will get attention at yours, even if that isnt true.

Can you give him (and everybody else so they dont feel left out) an incentive to work for even if it is just a trip to the cinema. Could this also be carried on at his mum's house so that you are all working together? It doesnt have to be anything difficult, just a simple reward chart where he gets a sticker when he has been good i.e. no hitting, lying etc.

It may take a while but you will get there and with lots of positive praise when he is being good he will soon start to feel a little more secure.

Hope this helps
Alison
x