new here, ttc can be so hard

Hi everyone! I’m Leslie, new member of this wonderful board. I had the most ridiculous meltdown last night. Just wanted to share in case anyone else has had these or maybe have my issues validated, who knows. DH and I were on our way to a local superstore and one of my friends called to tell me she was pregnant and see how I was doing with the IVF process since my 1st try failed. I was so happy for her! Especially since she had a MC last year. The same week her DH had a heart attack and her dad was in the hospital. The girl deserves some happiness! Anyway I was fine with it... It didn't make me think about my crappy situation. Then she said “well we don't seem to have any trouble getting pregnant.” It sent me for an emotional loop. I know she had no way of knowing this would make me emotional... The fact that it did caught me off guard… Then knowing I was having an "episode" in the middle of the grocery shopping my dh turns to me and says you know such and such just had their second baby. I have only met those people once. I could have done w/o knowing yet another person so quickly conceived! After I talked myself out of slapping him I said "yeah everyone we know will have kids, we won't and I will be miserable the rest of my life". Then I nearly burst into tears. I didn't speak the rest of the night and cried when I got home. I swear what is wrong with me. Of course this morning I felt like an idiot. I am usually so positive! But sometimes I can have such a pity party and convince myself this will never happen for us… I know positive thinking means a lot. We shouldn’t compare our progress with others, but sometimes this is so hard! Some days are so rough and full of negative thoughts. So ladies how do you cope with others pregnancies? I doubt there is any way but still… I honestly have no idea how to not react to such news and how to stay focused on my goal.

Hi and welcome! Believe me you’re not alone. I know how you feel. You are allowed to have a pity party sometimes! Last month my sis told us how the 2 children she has are so much work. She complained she was done having kids. Then a week later she called to say "hey guess what I’m pregnant". . . So it was an unplanned pregnancy. They weren't super excited, just whatever about it. . . I think I threw the grocery bag I was holding, ran to my bathroom, took a hot tub and cried my eyes out for an hour. My dh probably thought I was crazy. I had not had a breakdown like that before. . . But I felt much better afterwards! Sometimes it’s just too much to take, and then we get over ourselves and move forward toward our goal again! Good luck, baby dust, and hope your day was better today.

Welcome to the forum, dear! We all have those moments and they are completely justified. It's hard when it seems to effect us so much. And our DHs don't seem to get the whole picture of why we NEVER stop thinking about it. I'm sure you are happy for your friend and we all are for other people. But why the hell can't they see outside their world? Why can’t they realize you wouldn't tell someone in a wheelchair how much you loved running a marathon and how nothing else in life is as fulfilling. We all have our own trials. And in some ways I am appreciative of the ttc trial because it does make you more sympathetic for others in their situations. I have some great girlfriends that will have to go through the trial of not only never having children but also never having a DH. I know that doesn't make it better for us but it is nice to have someone to love even if he never will understand all that we go through. Try to stay positive and keep belief because it definitely won't hurt you.

I feel your pain as well. Like it was said above - it's completely justified. Don't EVER feel bad about feeling bad - sometimes you just got to let it out. I've at least gotten to the point where I don't instantaneously cry when I see a newborn baby or those "mother & newborn baby in the hospital" moments in a movie or on a commercial. At least, MOST of the time I don't cry anymore!
I had a similar "caught off guard moment" when I was talking to a very old friend, whom I've recently rekindled a close friendship with because she's been having fertility issues too. She just had surgery for endometriosis, but with the tissue removed they think IVF should work great for her. We were discussing how awkward it would be to tell the other if we got pregnant, and I reassured her that I'd be very happy for her and to please tell me if it happened. To that she replied, "well I'm sure I'll get pregnant long before you". I know she didn't mean any harm by it, but I literally had to end the conversation almost immediately because it hurt so much to hear. Deep down I know she's probably right, but still…

In fact, today I had another moment. I was walking 2 blocks to get a newspaper. Out of nowhere this little boy comes up to me and asks, "excuse me, do you have any kids?" I think he was looking for someone to play with, but once again... It definitely set me off a little bit.
So keep your chin up! It happens to us all and it is a very emotional process and therefore understandable to feel so sensitive about it.

Your meltdown was not ridiculous!!! ALL of my girlfriends are baby-making machines! I thought I was totally "cool" with all of our infertility issues. We have "unexplained" infertility. My philosophy was whatever happens is what is meant to be... UNTIL, I was in my Dr. office having yet another blood test and overheard this lady who was holding her newborn go on and on about how her baby's father does not even know she had the baby yet... He doesn't deserve to know. AND how the delivery was hard and that she’ll never ever have a baby again. Her pediatrician told her to stop smoking around him and that her breast milk was filled with smoke and was causing her baby to be sick and her newborn was even showing signs of asthma probably due to her smoking...blah, blah. It was then that I started getting really irritated that I was the one in the chair going through test after test...

I have private meltdowns as we are not really telling friends about all of this stuff. I work with some nosy and gossipy gals. I really do not want the questions. Our families do not even know either. My mom is a big worrier. I figure I should not worry her... There isn't anything she can do about it. And my mother in law would tell everyone she knows!!! I really do not need all of her church friends asking about my fertility!!! This is a great forum...feel free to come here and "melt down" anytime!!!

That is what we are all here for. Not just a place to ask questions, but to vent too. So don't feel bad! I have lost it too… Plenty of times and DH hasn't always understood which made it worse. But we get through the rough patches... All of us and good things will come our way. It stinks to hear things like "We don't have problems conceiving." I have actually temporarily stopped hanging out with friends that don't get it or are insensitive (unknowingly). It's okay to feel anger as well as sadness. This is one of the most emotional things I have ever been through. I hope you are feeling better. Don't feel like an idiot. We have so many hormones racing inside as well as emotions.... It's okay to let them loose on occasion!

I know how you feel and I'm glad we can all vent here and support each other. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one going through this. Esp. when everyone around me seems to get pregnant from drinking the water!
I had a meltdown this morning too. With all the ttcing and routine it's just getting to me and DH both… It's sucked all the romance out of things… And all those advice from articles “how to save romantic relationships while ttc” do not help at all. Just remember, we'll have our day of glory too someday when we get to tell friends and family the wonderful news!

everyone is different. some get pregnant really easily. some do not. and although it kills us inside, we should definitely be supportive of each other. even if our friend has 10 kids. it is her body, her fate. we all fight our own monsters.
Hope everyone is doing great!
xx

You won’t get anywhere in this infertility struggle without a support system. Most importantly, it’s not about the number of people you have it’s about the quality. People who truly believe in you and your dream to become a mom. Not everyone will. You may not want every single person in your life to know what you’re going through. But I still urge you to collect a small group of people who you trust and love. The most important person in this system will be your partner. Be on the same page with them. Both of you should understand and accept that you will go through hardships. I always suggest to sign up for a fertility board. You can find support there. Someone besides your partner that you can vent with. There are thousands of us out there on social media supporting each other every single day. I've had 2 miscarriages in the past 4 months. And fertility forum became a salvation for me. It's my safe place where I can vent and cry, knowing I'm not alone.