Children Meeting Partner
Hi all
First time poster and hoping for some advice.
I have two children aged 7 & 3 with my ex partner, we separated soon after the 3yo was born. I have been with my current partner for close to 18 months and lived with her for almost 3 months now.
To date she is yet to meet both my children, this is not down to want of trying or my part but i feel down to my ex. We always said after we split that we would make joint parenting decisions and discuss things out of respect. I first spoke to her back in April of this year to discuss my partner meeting the children, her response was it isn't the right time and to wait. I respected it and waited. i then spoke with her to inform her that we would be moving in together and that again now i was moving on i feel it a good time for her to meet the children, she again gave the same response. I spoke with her again last week, and you guessed it the same response!!
She states that my seven year old when asks states he doesn't wish to meet her full stop, and because he says this fact she says that until such time as he says off his own back he wants to meet her then he isn't. i have asked about the younger one meeting her but her response to that is it will upset the 7yo because its not fair.
A bit of background to the story is that when me and my current partner got together my ex harmed a huge amount of animosity towards me and her. She made up huge amount of lies about me, about my partner and effectively tried to split us up. It didn't work
The downside to this however is my 7yo was unfortunately witness to several arguments and discussion that were ongoing last year and i feel therefore has formed a negative opinion of my partner based on that and also him being alienated by her as i have no doubt that she has told him things she shouldn't and almost brainwashed him with regards to the situation.
She has flat out stated that if i was to take the children to meet her without either her meeting, agreeing, a CRB check being done then she would instantly cut my access to the children (no order in place). My ex has a partner herself of 6 months who is yet to meet the children but he often comes over to her house at night to see her, which i don't have an issue with apart from i feel it is unjust of her to do so considering the circumstances and the fact we own the house 50/50 and didn't ask/tell me out of respect.
I am very tempted to go ahead an introduce my partner to them mainly based on the face that my 7yo hasn't had the opportunity to form his OWN opinion of her and is more than likely scared of "her" . They need to understand that she isn't this big bad person she is made out to be that she wants to have a positive influence on them and there life. The fact also that it is school holidays means any fall out will not affect his schooling.
I don't see a reason as too why I cant have them overnight now we have our own place but she flat our refuses and i feel it isn't fair on them as they don't have the right to the best relationship with there dad.
Any advise as too how to take things forward or advice from similar situations would be a great help
Thanks in advance!
You have joint custody of children, don't you? But they never stay over? Your split with your ex did not have any reason that could be deemed a threat to the children, did it? How is your relationship with the 7 year old, if we take your partner off the picture?
When you say the child has witnessed arguments, does that mean that he knows your partner although they have never been formally introduced? If not, will your ex agree to the kids spending time with your partner, if you introduce her as a friend?
1. Seek Mediation
- Professional Mediation: A mediator can help facilitate discussions between you and your ex-partner in a neutral environment. This could help address concerns and reach a compromise regarding your new partner meeting the children.
- Family Counseling: Engaging in family counseling might also be beneficial to address any underlying issues and help with the transition.
- Understand Their Feelings: Acknowledge that your children’s feelings about meeting your new partner are valid. It’s important to consider their emotional readiness and comfort level.
- Gradual Introduction: If you proceed with the introduction, do so gradually. Start with casual, low-pressure interactions that allow your children to get to know your partner in a comfortable setting.
- Open Dialogue: Continue to communicate openly with your ex-partner. Explain why it’s important for your children to meet your new partner and how you plan to make the introduction as smooth as possible.
- Respect Boundaries: While it’s essential to advocate for your children, respecting your ex-partner’s concerns is also important. Work towards a solution that considers everyone’s perspectives.
- Legal Counsel: If you believe your ex-partner’s actions are impacting your parenting rights unfairly, it might be useful to consult with a family lawyer. They can provide guidance on your rights and options for formalizing custody arrangements.
- Safe and Comfortable Environment: Arrange the introduction in a familiar, non-threatening environment for your children. Ensure that it is a positive and enjoyable experience.
- Supportive Approach: Reassure your children that they are loved and supported, and that your new partner is there to be a positive addition to their lives.
- Record Interactions: Keep a record of all communications with your ex-partner regarding this matter. Documentation can be helpful if you need to seek legal intervention or mediation.
- Consistency and Routine: Ensure that your children’s daily routines and relationships remain stable. Stability and predictability are crucial for their emotional well-being.
- Allow Time for Adjustment: Understand that both your children and your ex-partner may need time to adjust to changes. Be patient and give everyone time to adapt to the new dynamics.