Partner says he will never forgive me
My partner and I have been together 3 years, I am 39 have 3 boys and he is 34 and has a little girl. We live together in the town where he is from. Last year we went for a night out in town and I found him snorting substances in a toilet. I was shocked and horrified to say the least. He had told me that he had done it in the past as apparently everyone did but I did not expect what I saw. He is a hard working man who when sober is loving and attentive. This incident really made me re-assess everything but after a long inner conversation I agreed to forgive him and he promised to never do it when with me. That leaves it down to his nights out with the lads which is about 3/4 times a year.
It has never been an issue since...until the weekend. We went out with his brother and wife, we all got very drunk, my partner did his usual drinking way too much, disappearing, ignoring me and refusing to come home. When I eventually got him in a taxi we arrived him and he went to take money from his pocket, when a little bag of stuff fell out. I went pretty mad and told him there was no way that was coming into our home, he told me f##k you and got back in the taxi and left. After about 15 mind I tried to call him and his family members who were out with us, no one answered. I called his mother as he tends to go there, I was very upset and his mother asked what happened, I told her we argued, she asked why and I explained. Now may I add that his mother is has a very laid back approach to my partner, he is quite spoilt and last year when I found out , his sister in law told me that she reckoned his mother knows he takes stuff. Therefore I didn't see anything wrong with mentioning this when she asked me. Anyway she didn't seem surprised and rang around until she found him, at his brothers house, as soon as I knew he was safe I went to sleep.
On Sunday I drove to get him and thought OK we had an argument, let's have a nice day and rise above it. But he then told me that he couldn't belive I had told his mother, he will never forgive me and he hates me for it! He said I need to go somewhere and I asked permanently, he said yes. I kept very calm and collected, simply explained that I thought his mother already knew therefore no big deal. He told me that his relationship with his mother will never be the same, due to me. I then asked him to think about everything we have together, our children in schools making a life for themselves in his town. He said that I should have thought about that, but then said we needed time apart from each and he didn't see how we could ever get past this. I calmed packed my things and my boys things and left, for my mother's house. (My boys were already there for the weekend) so currently I have had no contact from him, only from his mum and sister in law to ask if I'm OK, what's going on and telling me to give him time.
One part of me is as you would imagine, thinking I haven't been the one to do something wrong, he needs to grow up, maybe be shamed into stopping etc. But other part of me knows how lovely and different he is when not drinking and if he loved me, this wouldn't be the end. Any advice please?
Honestly, if he's prepared to put you and your kids through all this just because you were honest with his mother, then he's not 'lovely and different when he's not drinking'. He's made that decision while sober and is showing you that he thinks his pride is more important that your family. It sounds awful for you, but you told him where your line was and he crossed it without a second thought and now he's blaming you for the fallout. I think you're well rid, although I can see that it probably doesn't feel like that at the moment. I hope you find some peace.
Thank you for sharing your experience so openly. It’s clear you’ve put a lot of thought into your choices, and your concern for both your children and your partner’s well-being comes through strongly.
What you’re dealing with is not just a relationship issue, but one that touches on deeper concerns like trust, substance use, emotional safety, and long-term family stability. It’s understandable that you're feeling conflicted—on one hand, you’re not the one who broke an agreement or brought harmful behavior into the home. On the other, you’re still emotionally invested in someone who, when sober, shows the loving qualities you value.
It’s also important to recognize that what happened wasn’t just a slip-up—it was a repeat of behaviour that he had previously promised to manage differently. His reaction—especially the refusal to acknowledge the seriousness of the situation and his decision to turn blame toward you—raises important questions about emotional accountability.
As for involving his mother, it’s worth noting that when someone is unreachable during a volatile situation involving substances, safety becomes the immediate priority. If a family member can help locate them and de-escalate, reaching out isn’t just reasonable—it’s responsible. If he’s upset by that, it may reflect his discomfort with the consequences more than any actual betrayal of trust.
What you said about him being “lovely and different” when not drinking is something many partners in similar situations can relate to. Unfortunately, the "lovely" version is not the only version you live with—and the more unpredictable or harmful behaviours are just as real. It’s fair to ask whether occasional kindness is enough to outweigh the emotional instability and disappointment that now feel familiar.
Sometimes, even the most beautiful things—like a birthday filled with joy or a house filled with balloon decorations —aren’t enough to cover up deeper issues if the foundation isn’t steady. You deserve a relationship where you don’t have to constantly “rise above” troubling behavior, but instead build something solid and respectful together.
It might help to give him the time he says he needs, but also use this space for yourself—to clarify your own boundaries and what you need emotionally and practically. Counseling (for you individually, and possibly for him if he’s open to it in the future) could be a meaningful next step.
You’re doing the right thing by thinking this through with care and self-respect. Whatever you decide, make sure your peace, safety, and dignity are part of the outcome.
How did it end up?
