am I too selfish?

DH and I were invited to a 3 year old b-day party from one of his work friends. I hope I don't seem selfish, but I told him I don't feel comfortable going. I feel like I just cannot go there. It would be too hard for me. I woke up feeling very sad today. It's been 4 years 4 months of ttc and today it's hitting me hard for some reason. I have good days and bad days… Today is not a good day. I can't seem to stop thinking of how much I want to have a baby and wondering why it has to be so difficult for people that really want to be parents. I had a conversation with dh. I explained that all I'm going to see there is people with their kids and hear about girls getting pregnant… Today I can't handle it. He understood and I love him for that. Does anyone feel like that sometime? Am I too selfish?

I know I felt that way a lot. Personally I skipped a few showers. It’s just too hard! Both mentally and emotionally. Even physically it’s hard. It feels like a barrier inside you just don’t let you to go there. You just can’t. I felt like having a panic attack even thinking about going there!
I just can't understand why it is so hard. Especially since the RE couldn't find a single thing wrong with me or DH. It just didn't make sense. If you do all the right things, you should get the result you want, right?? Well that is what I thought anyway. Part of me wanted them to find something wrong, so we could fix it. It's wonderful that you have such an understanding loving DH! You're not selfish, you’re emotional and dealing with a very personal situation. I would feel the same way. It's totally normal to feel this way.
Go take a walk with DH or enjoy a glass of sparkling water with a slice of lime. Light a candle if it is dark enough. You have to try to get yourself in an even toned positive flow. I know it’s emotionally hard but do it for yourself! Don't think of anything and make DH rub your shoulders. This has worked for me.... It's nice to have a supportive DH! I put the fountain on in my garden/ yard and listen to birds and watch my pups play. It helps me relax. Do something good for yourself! Give yourself a break from thinking too much. You deserve it!
Hang in there and just keep believing it will happen. Not as soon as you would have hoped, but just keep believing that it will. Don't allow doubt to plant itself in your mind or heart.

I have been TTC for years. I totally understand what you are going through. It's hard when many of your friends are bragging about their kids. It’s even harder when people announcing news like, "I'm pregnant and we weren't even trying!!" That happened to me last week. This is so frustrating when each and everyone around you get pregnant… Seems they conceive right away, from the first try. We’ve tried so many treatments, medications, herbs, etc. but nothing. And everyone around thinks it’s their mission to ask “why don’t you have any kids yet? what are you waiting for?” This is so hard. Anyway, it's very hard because you are grieving that child that you do not have. Grief is a complicated thing. It's totally normal to feel the way you do. I hope you and the rest of us get pregnant very soon! In the mean time we can concentrate on our relationship with God and our relationship with our DH. I try to remember every day how blessed I am, and that makes me feel better.

Hi sweety, I am sorry to hear about you. I understand your feelings. I know this situation I have also feel this hurdle. One of my friends having the same issue. I felt hard to manager her mentally and physically. I don't think you are selfish. Just take it positively. I wonder why we people feel so difficult and sometimes we lose all hopes at all. But if we struggle for it and keep on the right time. Soon we will able to achieve the goals. But if we think negative that I am not a good person, selfish etc. Then we can never do what we want to. So you can be successfully pregnant and I am really excited for you. GOD Blessed you.

You are not being selfish dear. I know the feeling. I've been there before. Thanks much to my hubby, he never misunderstood me.

No, you just acted based on what you feel, and your feelings are valid. It's really hard to be surrounded by families who have children while you feel frustrated all along. I know others will understand how you feel too. You're not selfish, and I'm sure time will come that you will show to the world that you're a good mother.

Hi Amber!
Sorry to hear all this. I know how difficult it is for you especially when we consider the fact that you have been in the marriage for over 4 years and you have not conceived. However, I feel that you are somehow jealousy. If I were you I would feel free to interact with ladies who have conceived and given birth. Chances are high that you will have an opportunity to learn about children. You will also know some of the things that you need to do to help you conceive. The other reason that I think should make you attend the party is to help you appreciate yourself. It is true that they will talk about so many things including how their children behave and perform in school. This should not make you despair. In fact, it will help you resolve to use all the available technology to make you conceive. Notice that the modern technology has made things simpler and women who want to have children can do so stress-free. IVF, IUI, and surrogacy are some of the options available to you. However, it may be necessary that you visit a fertility clinic so that the cause of your problem is identified. This way, it will be easier for you to get assisted. If you have a problem with ovulating, you may be put on IVF on a donor egg. In cases where the uterus is blocked, an egg may be retrieved from your ovules fertilized in the lab and transferred to your uterus.

Not selfish at all. Sometimes it feels my facebook friends decided to get pregnant at the same time. Of course, it's amazing news and one must share it on a timeline so that everyone can see it. It is painful and there is nothing you can do about, just accept this. Don't blame yourself for this because it's natural. Your dearest should understand and good for you your husband gets the point. No need to face what upsets you most I think.

No, You just did what you felt was right 😀

It's normal. I have a friend (not very close) pregnant right now. She is 9 weeks and she is 40. This is her first baby. We have 12 families in the club. Each month we get together and hang out. When I heard the news, I was so happy for her. I even called her and congratulated her. But when I saw her on Sunday little green monster get into me. I’ve got little jealous. I was talking to her, but suddenly I realized I don't like her at all. I feel really bad. But I guess that’s because I want a baby so bad. And when I hear someone has one, I get jealous. It's normal and it's ok to be that way.

You’re not being selfish. Other people can’t understand the grief and fragile emotions. If it was another upsetting issue or ailment where attending an event would make the upset worse and hard to manage publicly, would most people go to something like that in those shoes? Most would send their best wishes but not attend. The hard thing with infertility is the grief and challenges can be an ongoing thing and births, parties, and being around children is a constant reality of life.
Sounds like you have a great DH in your corner. To preserve relationships (as them having a party for their child is normal, just as infertility and self-care is your normal for now) he could go or bring a gift and card to work instead? I’m sure they would appreciate that if you can’t go. The worst thing you can do is engage in self-deprecating talk where you refer to yourself as selfish. There is enough shame and guilt we typically put on ourselves when we shouldn’t, but it’s so hard. You are suffering from something that affects all aspects of your being. You are brave and navigating through a time most people never have to. In terms of this specific event, remember there are always people who can’t come to events. I even missed a couple very close friends’ showers (who knew what we were going through) following retrievals, BFNs, etc. and I did it for myself, as much as for them so as not to cry, have anxiety, or detract from their day. I always sent a gift and was in touch - and it was always enough and warmly appreciated. I’m sure you would understand too. Be kind to yourself!

Omg please don’t apologize for being selfish. I absolutely get it! And I can tell you I feel the same. A month ago we were invited to a baby shower just 10 days after we found out that our “promising” ivf#2 didn’t work… I didn’t have the courage to say no as I wanted to be polite and show that I was happy for our friends and wishing them the best… And it was a nightmare for me, holding up tears all along and withdrawing myself to the activities. So no, you are not selfish. And you shouldn’t feel bad for not going to that event. Nobody can get the sadness in your heart more than you do and even if you wish well to others some things are way too difficult. I really admire our strength and courage for your journey, and even if it has not been the success you wish just yet… Thing so will come in one way or another. I didn’t realize how traumatic this journey could be until I was in there too. Now I found you and everyone else awesome women.

I can understand you. It is indeed very hard to go through such things. I myself avoid attending any sort of social events. Mainly, because people then ask you questions and make you extremely uncomfortable. One of the reasons why I always keep myself busy. I either am constantly involved in reading books or doing office work. It is honestly a blessing to have understandable DH. I hope things get better for all of us. So I think the way you are feeling is normal! I totally understand how you feel. You have to put your feelings first and to feel uncomfortable at a child's birthday party is a justified feeling. I think many men don't understand how women feel as we tend to carry to brunt on this battle. I know my husband never understood it. If I were your friend even if I didn't know your situation I would respect your decision not to come to the party. Just focus on you. This is your life and there is no point in causing yourself any additional emotional turmoil.

I'm sorry you feel this way, but I empathize with your sentiment. My husband and I have been TTC for about 6 year now. We've decided to try IVF with de for the first time. I have a two year old goddaughter. At first I thought it was going to be hard to have her around, since I want a baby of my own, we all do. But the truth is, she's been my salvation. Every time I play with her and hug her, and make her smile, I remind myself how much I want to have a family, and that I have to keep trying until I'm able to have my baby, and in worst case scenario, adopt one. God has many ways of working his miracles. Don't stop TTC and try to be happy for others. I know it’s hard, but you shouldn't become a different person for what’s happening to you, don't close yourself to the world. I hope this helps and wish you the best of luck on your journey.

No, well you have your own reason. If your reason is somewhat unreasonable then you are selfish, but in that current situation it's a big no. I am sure they will understand you.

we've all been there.
it is incredibly hard to be happy for someone when you are going through a lot.
i do all my best to keep the happy facade. but my friends who have children know about my infertility. so they try not to brag about their kids around me. I appreciate this a lot.
but sometimes I am all ears. I like listening to the stories about their little ones' achievements..
it is really strange.

You are not at all selfish for saying that. In fact, even if I was in your place I would’ve said the same thing. Your mental peace is really important! Especially when you are on this journey. I feel the same all the time. I’m also going through ttc complications. I skip baby showers and kids birthdays the entire time because it hurt too much. It's not selfish. It's just hard to cope sometimes. When I get pregnant and have my own children, I will be completely fine if somebody won’t come to our showers/birthdays. I know how it is emotionally unbearable to be at such events when you ttc, but fail. If you haven't already, I urge you to find face-to-face support. It can be a counselor or infertility support group. The internet can do so much. Being with others going through the same thing you are really helped us.

I can feel all your pain… We are here to help you. Attending baby showers is not the best way of relaxation when you face troubles while ttc. Sadly enough, not all people around understand this. People are constantly asking ''When are you going to have kids? What are you waiting for?'' I HATE those questions. I HATE that uncomfortable silence while I’m making up polite answer. I don’t want to tell everyone about our problems. People aren't compassionate. Most people are so rude... Only those who faced same battle know how it feels. I’m here for you. You know where to find me if you want to talk&share. Good luck with your ttc dear!

You are not being selfish dear. I know the feeling