becca's blog

Okay so here i am blogging again, and last time i promised myself it would only be used to note the good times through having this baby. However i feel a little crappy so i figure i'll get it out here. :evil: So after 'daddies' fantastically timed 'its me or the baby' question, i finally had an answer for him last night. It was weird because deep down i always knew what i wanted i just desperately didn't want to lose him, and therefore avoided even being honest with myself. It's amazing how much you can lie to yourself and actually believe it. I was just so glad that no matter how i felt i never could have gone through with letting the little un' go. Only now I'm faced with quite a weird mix of emotions, which i know are probably due to hormones but still are as equally hard to deal with. On the one hand I have a strong feeling of pride in myself for ever getting to this point and not ever letting him tell me what to do. On the other I have the grieving for my lost relationship which almost makes me feel like a complete idiot seeing as by rights, i should hate that pathetic little man, but i don't. What is that about?! We were never going anywhere anyway and thinking about it our relationship was a nightmare, but god i miss him. And everything he does to make me feel worse works a treat. I just wish he could be more of a man and love this baby like i do. :frustrated: All i can say is, bump i can't wait to hold you in my arms and prove to this world we can do this together.

So today is Monday, I found out i was expecting on Thursday of last week and well, what a huge bundle of stress these last few days have been. I never realised something so little could cause such an ordeal.Whether that be the utterly useless father-to-be, endless 'advice' (I'm sorry but no you telling me im wrong is not helping!) or for that matter my obviously clueless man doctor.So far there has been a lot of debate on whether i should have an abortion, i have never felt so let down by one person in my life. I dont recall him objecting to the sex at the time anyway! I'm just so glad that i have been overcome with the strongest feeling ever to fight for this little one. No matter what happens i will do my best. I will be so happy when this whole thing dies down a little and i can enjoy being pregnant, because so far i love how i feel about the whole thing, it seems to just put me in the most amazing mood. Also my breasts seem to be on a growth spurt at the moment which is fantastic seeing as i wasn't exactly 'blessed' before! 🙂I figure i will keep writing my blog just as a personal reminder along the way of how far me and the little fellow have come. It'll be an interesting journey!239 Days To Go!