Join JustParents to ask for advice and make new friends! It only takes 60 seconds. Join for free

need advice...seriously

sammie83sammie83
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
ok first of all sorry for the moan but... my oh is very lazy where the girls are concerned. he dosent change there nappies, wash, steralize and make up bottles. he dosent bath the girls, he dosent prepare meals for ellie-mae. basically he dosent do much at all. for instance 1 night i said to his "u are gonna have to have demie a few nights in the week (at this point demie want goin to sleep until gone 2qm sometimes 5am so i was exhausted)and he said i cant because i have gotta get up for work2 (his a manager he sits at a desk all day its not as if he is on his feet all day)so i as u can imagine got the arse with him, so he took demie to bed only that 1 night.
it carried on like this til i couldnt take anymore and i exploded told him it was ova an i couldnt carry on like this anymore. he came home from work and wanted to talk but i diddnt as i diddnt wana upset the girls if it turned into a row, and i was in a state anyway i couldnt stop cryin as i diddnt want it to come to this...anyway, in the end we sorted it out and he said he would change because he love me to much to lose me. he did up until about a week ago he is goin back to his old ways...being a lazy arse. i just dont know what to do anymore. he has had 2 chances now. i hope some1 can give me some good advice i really dont know what to do. i really dont wanna end our relationship Mad Crying someone help me


candgsmumcandgsmum
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
Sending my love hun. I'm sorry I don't know what to suggest (not much help at all am I).

Maybe you will have to start him off lightly with a few responsibilities like emptying the bins and reading the girls a bedtime story, IYSWIM? I'm sorry for the cr*p advice but thinking of you x

noababynoababy
posted 1 decade 3 years ago

sammie83 said:
ok first of all sorry for the moan but... my oh is very lazy where the girls are concerned. he dosent change there nappies, wash, steralize and make up bottles. he dosent bath the girls, he dosent prepare meals for ellie-mae. basically he dosent do much at all. for instance 1 night i said to his "u are gonna have to have demie a few nights in the week (at this point demie want goin to sleep until gone 2qm sometimes 5am so i was exhausted)and he said i cant because i have gotta get up for work2 (his a manager he sits at a desk all day its not as if he is on his feet all day)so i as u can imagine got the arse with him, so he took demie to bed only that 1 night.
it carried on like this til i couldnt take anymore and i exploded told him it was ova an i couldnt carry on like this anymore. he came home from work and wanted to talk but i diddnt as i diddnt wana upset the girls if it turned into a row, and i was in a state anyway i couldnt stop cryin as i diddnt want it to come to this...anyway, in the end we sorted it out and he said he would change because he love me to much to lose me. he did up until about a week ago he is goin back to his old ways...being a lazy arse. i just dont know what to do anymore. he has had 2 chances now. i hope some1 can give me some good advice i really dont know what to do. i really dont wanna end our relationship Mad Crying someone help me


Hi Hun!

First of all big (((HUGS))).
Do you also work out of the house, or only hubby? Are you a SAHM?

You have 2 very close together and that is very difficult and tiring. (I have 5, oldest 2 are 17 months apart, then 5 year break and 2 that are 21 months apart, then 7 year break and one little one, so I know how exhausting and physically and emotionally draining it can be)

My hubby travels a lot, so not around often to help out, although he does certain things when he is. He will chaneg nappies, feed her bottles, but he has yet to bathe her or really feed her solids (she's 10 and a half months)

The big thing I am hearing from you is that you are exhausted and need time for yourself to do things and you need sleep. If you were getting this would you still feel angry at hubby for not helping? You have to answer that question for yourself first.

If the answer is you need time and sleep, you have to make sure you get it-even if it means asking a friend or relative for help. Sleep when your little ones sleep, hubby can always help with household chores if he would rather do that than take the kids. Take care of yourself first or the whole family will be a mess.

If you are tired-hand over baby to hubby and say i am going to bed, I am not safe to be holding her or watching her anymore. Thank you and then just go to bed.

I think that once you get more sleep and some time to yourself your perspective will change.

Also are your kids in a schedule-really helps them to be in a routine and things will flow easier for you.

One last thing-when you are tired and angry-never tell your hubby that it's over and you want out. It won't be easier as a single mum-that's for sure, and you do love him. Leaving is the easy way-talking, communicating and trying to fix things is the hard but well worth way to do it. (only time I say get up and leave is if there is abuse or drugs) Yes you were trying to communicate the extent of your frustration, but there are other ways to say the same thing. It is hurtful to threaten divorce and it can just add problems.

Good luck! and (((HUGS))) again!

Susie

sammie83sammie83
posted 1 decade 3 years ago

noababy said:

sammie83 said:
ok first of all sorry for the moan but... my oh is very lazy where the girls are concerned. he dosent change there nappies, wash, steralize and make up bottles. he dosent bath the girls, he dosent prepare meals for ellie-mae. basically he dosent do much at all. for instance 1 night i said to his "u are gonna have to have demie a few nights in the week (at this point demie want goin to sleep until gone 2qm sometimes 5am so i was exhausted)and he said i cant because i have gotta get up for work2 (his a manager he sits at a desk all day its not as if he is on his feet all day)so i as u can imagine got the arse with him, so he took demie to bed only that 1 night.
it carried on like this til i couldnt take anymore and i exploded told him it was ova an i couldnt carry on like this anymore. he came home from work and wanted to talk but i diddnt as i diddnt wana upset the girls if it turned into a row, and i was in a state anyway i couldnt stop cryin as i diddnt want it to come to this...anyway, in the end we sorted it out and he said he would change because he love me to much to lose me. he did up until about a week ago he is goin back to his old ways...being a lazy arse. i just dont know what to do anymore. he has had 2 chances now. i hope some1 can give me some good advice i really dont know what to do. i really dont wanna end our relationship Mad Crying someone help me


Hi Hun!

First of all big (((HUGS))).
Do you also work out of the house, or only hubby? Are you a SAHM?

You have 2 very close together and that is very difficult and tiring. (I have 5, oldest 2 are 17 months apart, then 5 year break and 2 that are 21 months apart, then 7 year break and one little one, so I know how exhausting and physically and emotionally draining it can be)

My hubby travels a lot, so not around often to help out, although he does certain things when he is. He will chaneg nappies, feed her bottles, but he has yet to bathe her or really feed her solids (she's 10 and a half months)

The big thing I am hearing from you is that you are exhausted and need time for yourself to do things and you need sleep. If you were getting this would you still feel angry at hubby for not helping? You have to answer that question for yourself first.

If the answer is you need time and sleep, you have to make sure you get it-even if it means asking a friend or relative for help. Sleep when your little ones sleep, hubby can always help with household chores if he would rather do that than take the kids. Take care of yourself first or the whole family will be a mess.

If you are tired-hand over baby to hubby and say i am going to bed, I am not safe to be holding her or watching her anymore. Thank you and then just go to bed.

I think that once you get more sleep and some time to yourself your perspective will change.

Also are your kids in a schedule-really helps them to be in a routine and things will flow easier for you.

One last thing-when you are tired and angry-never tell your hubby that it's over and you want out. It won't be easier as a single mum-that's for sure, and you do love him. Leaving is the easy way-talking, communicating and trying to fix things is the hard but well worth way to do it. (only time I say get up and leave is if there is abuse or drugs) Yes you were trying to communicate the extent of your frustration, but there are other ways to say the same thing. It is hurtful to threaten divorce and it can just add problems.

Good luck! and (((HUGS))) again!

Susie


hey hun thanks for your reply, i am a SAHM, i do need to catch up on some sleep but if i was to go to bed an leave the girls with him i know i wouldnt get much because he will just leave the LO to scream an i will end up gettin out of bed. for example i was in the bath last night an demie was screamin so i ended up gettin out the bath an as soon as i come down he picked her up, because he knew i was pissed at him. also i have spoke to him about this on several occasions, he is very helpful for a few days an then goes back to his old ways.. the way i have been lookin at it is im living as if im a single mom, but like i say i really dont wanna lose him

noababynoababy
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
Have you had a talk as to why he is behaving this way? Does he feel not competant handling the kids? Does he feel neglected and that he is not getting as much love and attention as he used to get?

Start with one simple task for him-say I need you to do this (example-I need you to play with the girls for an hour and for them not to scream). Giving him something concrete and doable and limited will make him feel able to get that task done. Start small and don't expect miracles over night. Gradually every few weeks add another something small on.

Also ask him if he prefers household chores over dealing with the kids. If that's the case-make a list-again very specific, nothing too long and then you nap when kids nap, so you are not as cranky. That way you get sleep, he helps with something he's okay doing and everyone benefits.

Also, yes being a stay at home mom is taxing and tiring. I have worked fulltime, 3/4, 1/2 time and now am home with Noa fulltime. Because i am home-I have accepted that most of the household burden and child rearing falls on me. Yes , being a mom is a job too, but we do have some flexibilty. Once I came to grips with the unequality of it all and accepted that this was the way it was-I wasn't as angry or grudge bearing about lack of help from hubby. When I need sleep, I ask for help and I get it. Or I just neglect household stuff and order pizza for dinner.

It is easiest if you remember that the only person you can control is yourself. You can't make someone else into something they are not. But you can ask for specific directed help and get it(or demand it if need be)and that way be more functioning because your needs are being met too.
One more thing that works well with older kids and therefore works well with hubbies too(teehee-sorry men on this forum)is positive reinforcement. Finding something good to say about their behaviours or actions. How many times do we stop what we are doing to criticise our kids, and how many less times a day do we stop and give them praise. Start with hubby at first with one pointed specific compliment-for example-I really appreciate that you helped me straighten up the house, or you played so nicely with LO-she looked like she had so much fun with you. Yes it may sound un-natural at first, but keep doing it and it will become very natural and very appreciated.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

CathyGCathyG
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
I think some men are just plain lazy when it comes to looking after the home/kids. They think coz they've got a "job", they can be excused from doing anything else around the home. All you can do is ask for a little help every now & then & hope he's up for it. Sounds like sadly you may have to like it or lump it really or ask someone else (family) to help out instead.x

KeeleysMumKeeleysMum
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
How would a rosta go down? he works all day at a desk, you work all day at home. You both work hard, so he cant use that as an excuse. Maybe try something like... choose 2 specific nights a week, (fri as he hasnt got to get up for work on sat morning) and he has to do the bedtime routine, you feed them tea and then he does bath bottle story and bed. meanwhile you cook tea and do your bits and bobs. then n your nights to bath them etc, he can sort tea out etc.

It works really well for me and Dave. I work all day as a carer, and Dave works from home (where my mum also looks after keeley). We alternate nights where one of us gets up so the other can sleep. When im bathing keeley, daves loading the dishwasher. Although im out all day i dont shun my responsibilities when i get home.
Your other half shoulnt see helping out with your daughters as a chore. They are his girls also. Between me and Dave, we squabble over who is going to bath her , feed her etc.

hope it helps xxx

sammie83sammie83
posted 1 decade 3 years ago

KeeleysMum said:
How would a rosta go down? he works all day at a desk, you work all day at home. You both work hard, so he cant use that as an excuse. Maybe try something like... choose 2 specific nights a week, (fri as he hasnt got to get up for work on sat morning) and he has to do the bedtime routine, you feed them tea and then he does bath bottle story and bed. meanwhile you cook tea and do your bits and bobs. then n your nights to bath them etc, he can sort tea out etc.

It works really well for me and Dave. I work all day as a carer, and Dave works from home (where my mum also looks after keeley). We alternate nights where one of us gets up so the other can sleep. When im bathing keeley, daves loading the dishwasher. Although im out all day i dont shun my responsibilities when i get home.
Your other half shoulnt see helping out with your daughters as a chore. They are his girls also. Between me and Dave, we squabble over who is going to bath her , feed her etc.

hope it helps xxx

i wish we sqabbled over who does what the thing is im goin back to work soon (just waitin for my start date, and im hopin he starts to do more then or else i will be too exhausted to do anythin...worse than now. I hope its changes him wen i do go back

KeeleysMumKeeleysMum
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
if he doesnt change when you do go back, then you have to ask yourself if hes worth it? If hes not able to stand up and take responsibility for his children, then he doesnt deserve to reep the benefits of the new things they do, due to your hard work. Relationships can become a routine, it can become that you are in a relationship bcoz its part of ur everyday life and you dont have time to change your routine. How many more chances are you going to give him before you break down with the exhaustion of working, sorting the children out and running the house.
I really do hope you can devise a plan to work through it. xxx sarah xxx

LuandTyeLuandTye
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
Reading this just makes me realise how many lazy arse men r out there. Why is it men assume women will do all the work wen its comes babies/children? they all sit on there fat arse doin nothin and all give the same excuse that thyve been at work all day!! my bloke reckons i do nothin all day! does he realise i have a very demandin 6 month old baby whos teething! Men say they will change and girl ur lucky that ur bloke changed for 2 weeks my bloke says he will change and he does-for about 2 days! I honestly think some women should just leave! Men r self centered and always will be! Why do u think there r soo many lesbians nowadays!lol! I think i should take my own advice... it is hard tho but i think better in the long run as long as u got family and ur a good mum then ur be fine. xx

CathyGCathyG
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
i think you can blame their mums if they're lazy. i expect their mums did everything for them & now they expect us to. So if you've a little man at home, remember this, my little boy is definately going to learn to do chores etc when he's older, as i don;t want him being a lazy couch potato when he's a daddy himself. PS if your man thinks that being at home all day with a baby is easy, i would suggest you go out for the day & leave him in charge of the baby. It worked for me & hubby now realises just how hard it really is. If you can't/won't do a whole day try at least a few hours (whilst you pop out with the girls etc). Give him a taster of how "easy" your day really is! heehehehehehe Crazy

sirena19sirena19
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
Was reading about that the last day actually and its more common than you think! These are called "hands-off dads" and apparently where the baby is involved he's either nervous or else sees some of the jobs like baths as "womens work." So maybe you could ease him into something small like changing one nappy and never critsise even if its all wrong, give lots of encouragement and soon he'll start to enjoy it! That what I read anyway so hope it helps! xXxXXXXxx

sugarsugar Moderator
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
Just wanted to say hun my DF does nothing unless begged to - doesnt even do the washing up when hes been at home all day by himself on a sat while im at my mums with the kids!
He has changed 1 of DS' nappy but thats only coz i was too busy to do it and he wont do it if its poo! but i still love him (mad eh) and he does do a lot of other stuff for me although i do sometimes find it hard to see but he does Smile hope ur ok hun x (PS - DF is a mummys boy - ued to having everything done for him x)

sammie83sammie83
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
i dont really care if he never does anythin for the girls if u have read my other post WHAT HAVE I DONE!!!
then u will understand y as long as his with me i dont care
thanks for all your replies though
xx

sugarsugar Moderator
posted 1 decade 3 years ago

sammie83 said:
i dont really care if he never does anythin for the girls if u have read my other post WHAT HAVE I DONE!!!
then u will understand y as long as his with me i dont care
thanks for all your replies though
xx


as i said hun - although they dont always do things that are easy to see they do tend to be there when u need them which is something i forget until the time comes *HUG* Smile xxxx

Join JustParents for free to reply

Search

Questions needing your answer

Latest Reviews