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Loving the "normal" way: Am I just doomed?

posted 8 years 5 months ago
I love my fiance, there's no doubt in my mind about that, but sometimes we get into arguments where he informs me that he feels unwanted and unloved by me due to my being distant. He mentions how I never initiate physical contact and act like I don't want him around. I find it hard to show affection and do all of the lovey dovey stuff other couples do. I know I am lucky to have a man who actually wants to cuddle and such, but it's hard for me to do so. I have no idea why I am like this because I want to, but when I think about doing something romantic, I get a huge case of anxiety. Does anyone else have this problem? I am terrified I am going to lose him if I do not learn to show love in ways other than with notes, cooking, special gifts, etc. He wants more than that and he deserves it because he is a great man. Can anyone offer some suggestions or advice?

posted 8 years 5 months ago
My first thought (and gut instinct) when I read this was that you should never feel forced to do anything you're not comfortable with. Never. I've learned that when I force myself to do things that others think I should do, I end up regretting it 100% of the time.

That aside, yeah, I agree that it's lucky that he likes cuddling and doesn't mind you initiating physical stuff... there are dudes who are still way too macho and think {GAG!} that "only the man should start that stuff." Ugh! Angry But anyhow, him being okay with it, and desiring it, doesn't mean you are comfortable with it.

So... well, I'm not being much help, am I? Let me think. Are there any "lovey dovey" things that you wouldn't have a problem with? Maybe start small? Plan an at-home movie night date... make the popcorn, sit close, and the cuddling would happen naturally without you having to decide how to "make" it happen.

Or another kind of date night? Maybe he'd like you to plan a date night as often as you can afford to do that? We used to do that once a week and it was something to look forward to.

About your fear of losing him.... my thought is that someone who truly loves us wouldn't let something that we're not comfortable with come between us. if it's just not "you" to start something, but don't mind when he does, I'd think that he'd want to adjust and consider your own needs as well as his own.

But that's just my two cents... I hope you'll find a perfect balance that you're both happy with!

posted 8 years 5 months ago
Are you an Aquarius?
I'm not "lovey-dovey" either, and I make this known from the get go, so if they want to take issue with it, that's on them. If you have been honest with him, and he really loves you, there should be no issue. I'm assuming this isn't something new, so I don't understand why he makes a thing out of it. This is who you are, who you've always been, the same person he fell in love with. Why would he expect you to change?

posted 8 years 5 months ago
Men feel wanted when their partner initiates physical contact. They are not so good at emotions but they understand the language of physical touch very well. You may give it a try for the sake of your relationship. It's not that hard if you really are in love with your guy.

posted 8 years 5 months ago
Well every couple is different, and as long as you do love each other everything should be okay, so I would not say that you are doomed. It is great that you are having open conversations about it too, because I think that that is the really only healthy way to deal with issues like this. The lovey dovey thing I feel is something that all couples deal with to an extent, meaning how much is too much etc..., so maybe talk with some other couples and see how they feel.

posted 8 years 5 months ago
Have you tried talking with a counselor one on one about why you feel this way? It could be how you were raised, childhood trauma, or any number of things that are causing you to put a wall when it comes to physical contact. We all have something from our past that still affects us. It may be worth a shot to dig a little deeper to see if it helps you become more comfortable showing affection.

posted 8 years 4 months ago
I have to admit, my fiance feels the same way sometimes. I found that after we had our daughter, my sex drive went down and so did my physical contact with him. It's not that I don't love him, it's just the struggles of taking care of our 6 year old daughter, working full time, going to gets exhausting. I understand his need to feel loved, but honestly, if you have always been this way with him...I don't see what the problem is at this point.

I agree with a lot of the advice given in this thread, and I have even tried the whole, sitting on the couch watching a movie to become closer. Honestly, it helps. I find when I am sitting next to my fiance watching TV or a movie I will naturally just cuddle up with him. You should never feel pressured into doing something you don't want to do or don't feel comfortable doing, and as a man that says he loves you, he should respect that.

posted 8 years 3 months ago
A lot of focused and serious minded women face this and I have too. What we need to do is let loose once in a while. Think of yourself as someone else. What I do is I think of myself as a stripper sometimes and initiate romance; which is like twice a month.

It does not mean you become someone else or you are letting your guard down; it simply means you can be the initiator of a romance session. Trust me, it spices up the relationship your partner would beg for a session every once in a while.

posted 8 years 3 months ago
I think everyone is different. Some people like having all the attention while others like their freedom in a relationship. I guess you are more like me. Someone who likes to feel free in a relationship. It is common with many people so do not worry. You like him a lot but just have a hard time showing it.

Just try really talking to him and tell him how you feel. I hope it works out.

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