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Ex-Girlfriend needs help badly but shutters are down

posted 1 decade 1 year ago
Hi everyone. I am worried about my ex-girlfriend that I recently split up with and would like to know if other people agree that I should be concerned and hopefully get some advice on what to do, if indeed "I" can do anything.

We were together for two and a half years and living together for the last 14 months before the split and have a 6 month old baby. We split three months ago when the baby was just 3 months old and it has been quite unpleasant at times although on some level we still both seem to love each other. Since the split I have been allowed to see my son just once which was two and a half weeks ago. When I met up with her to see him she looked fine and seemed fine in every way and we both admitted afterwards we had enjoyed the meeting. Since then there has been various e:mail and text contact involving feelings, arguments, blame etc. I want to see my son but would rather not have to go through the courts and it seemed recently that I wouldn't need to follow that route, but now I'm extremely worried about her, and that obviously means there might be reason for me to be worried about my son.....

Yesterday, because of the positive tone of recent discussions I asked her what "she" wanted to happen next, as in whether she wanted to meet to talk etc. Thats what recent discussions had suggested. I asked by text because "sometimes" she is reluctant to meet to discuss things and "can" be very abrupt and dismissive on the phone. She replied by sending me a photo of herself with a swollen face, puffy eyes etc, generally looking in a bad way, complete with a message saying.....

"Happy now ?"
"Thats what stress, depression and emotional pain have done to me. Thought you would be happy to see that - call it your reward. You got your revenge for all the perceived pain I've caused you. You must be very proud that you won the war. Well done you!"

Lately she has repeatedly told me that I hate her and that she is scared of me. The reason she feels like that is because we had some arguments that were heated on both sides, but in no way do I hate her, and she has never had a genuine reason to be scared of me.
Anything I say to her gets twisted as if I'm trying to manipulate or control her when all I'm actually trying to do is help her. I have tried contacting her sister telling her how worried I am, but she has never wanted to get involved in any relationship issues either before or since the split.

That's a bit of recent background but going back to the problem....... I'm really really worried about her. She would never do anything to harm our baby but I'm wondering how well she can look after him if she is as low as it looks and sounds to me.

It's been suggested to me that post natal depression could be involved but the way it's looking to me right now is that she isn't far from having a breakdown of some kind. I desperately want to help her but she won't let me because she seems paranoid and thinks I'm out to get her. I don't know if she puts a brave face on in front of other people, or if they just don't care enough, or if I'm over reacting ?

I have a friend who works for cafcass and she has told me where I stand from a child access point of view. I want to see my son but my most pressing concern is his mum's well being so I don't want to start sending her solicitor's letters about access rights.
I've told her that I will contact her again in a few weeks about our son but if she needs anything in the meantime, I am here for them both. I really dont know what to do for the best ?

Thanks for any advice

posted 1 decade 1 year ago
I understand you don't want to push her further down a depressive spiral, but I have to say I think you should get involved sooner rather than later. At the end of the day who is she to tell you you can or can't see your child, you are both equally responsible and have equal rights! How would she feel if you took the child and said to her, "You can come round in a few weeks to visit"!?!
Secondly, push aside her fears, her pride, her emotional state for a moment and think back to a time when you were happy and in love (which I assume must have existed once). When you were close to each other and those barriers weren't up. You need to break through those barriers again and be on the same team. I know it is really hard when there are unresolved feelings and the break up is fresh and raw BUT you will be family for the rest of your lives because you have a child together. Having a baby is a hugely demanding and exhausting milestone, not to mention for a woman all the hormonal changes, insecurities over your changed body and feelings of being alone because everyone around you has the same life but yours has changed so much.
The longer you take a back seat the harder it'll be to get back into the fold. Keep on trying. If she sees how much you care she may finally let her guard down and open up to you.

posted 9 years 2 weeks ago
I think she is need of serious medical and psychiatric help. You should talk to him when she is cool about it. As this situation can be harmful for baby also. Otherwise you have to consult courts in this matter.

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