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please help. can I love my baby?

posted 1 decade 2 years ago
I dont know where to start, but i'll begin with apologizing if it seems like i'm ranting on and on.
I have a beautiful 2 year old little girl, she's an angel. I couldnt ask for a better life with her and my partner.
I am now 25+4 with my second baby (a boy) and i just can't feel happy about it, even though he is happy and completely healthy.
I've tried so hard to adapt and put on an act for my partner, and ive tried talking to him about it, but theres so many factors that make me...well... not want my baby. (god it feels awful saying that)
Everything with my little girl is amazing, shes just potty trained, and in a big girls bed, started school and is doing so well with her development.
I had her young (at 18) but from the moment i found out- at 15 weeks - that i was pregnant i felt nothing but joy. the pregnancy wasnt easy, i got VERY big VERY quickly, had bad heartburn, dizzyness, fainting, itchy skin.. the typical pregnancy symptoms, just on a quite extreme scale. but I had her via c-section and bonded wonderfully. i breastfed for 8 months and raised her as a single parent until i met my partner 2 years ago.
Anyway, this pregnancy was not planned, but i thought it would be lovely for my little girl to have a sibling, and for my partner to have his own little mini-me. things didnt turn out quite so dandy. As time goes on, i am getting bigger and bigger (which is a massive bummer as i managed to lose 5 stone in 5 months just before getting pregnant), pregnancy symptoms are worsening every day. i'm feeling lonely and fragile. as i've lost most of my friends through getting pregnant the first time. My family are supportive, but overbearing (not in the good way)always butting their opinion in where its not wanted. And my partner seems to think everything will be wonderful, and we'll only suffer a few sleepless nights, whereas I know the reality will be a much bigger shock. He works 9-5 and usually likes to do 'his own thing' once my daughter has gone to bed, and i dont think he realises just how much time a newborn baby takes up.
Another thing bothering me is labour anxiety (see my other post entitled 'cesarean section...again?')
and i just dont know how i will cope with two children. especially a boy. I know i should love my baby whatever sex it is, but having a boy is a little disheartening when having a little princess is all ive known and had such a wonderful experience with. I can only hope that once my baby is born, my feelings will change, because I want nothing more than to want and love my child.. I just cant say it yet Sad Face
I know it seems like i'm looking at the negatives of everything, but I have honestly weighed up the good and bad points of whats happening, and seem to focus mainly on the bad. I try to think that there are people out there who have to deal with far more heartbreaking issues than this, and i feel bad talking about this.
I dont know what im asking for really.. Maybe someone to tell me to grow up and take responsibility for my actions? Maybe someone to sympathise? maybe someone just to know what im feeling. I just have to vent and i dont know how.
I'm so sorry for this depressing post, i'm usually very upbeat and positive.
I guess i just want other peoples views. has anything like this happened to you? please help me figure out whats happening.
thanks Smile

posted 1 decade 2 years ago
It takes courage to admit you are feeling this way. People will judge you for it, but you can't help how you feel. There's no quick fix here as I think you are aware. You ARE having this baby and things WILL be hard. Talking is the best you can do to try and form a more stable environment with your partner but unfortunately he probably isn't going to understand until the baby is here in your lives every day.
I had periods of fear and doubt during my third pregnancy even though it was planned. I felt under pressure and overwhelmed. I think pregnancy is a bit of a lonely time in a way, although so many people are talking to you about the baby there is that sense of YOU being the one going through it all. My suggestion is that once your baby is born be very careful to use contraception so as you don't fall pregnant again when you're not ready. Really spend time enjoying the family you have and try and get your partner to commit more of his time to the family.

posted 1 decade 2 years ago
Thankyou so so much! it feels good to know im not being judged.
You're exactly right, i feel lonely because i've done it all on my own with my first baby, and am now surrounded by friends and family who seem to be 10x more excited than me.
I think I just needed to get this all off my chest. putting it into words alone has helped a ton.
I will try to talk to my partner again, and really go over things. Contraception will DEFINITELY be a big priority after I give birth, dont you worry Razz
I really appreciate your advice Smile

posted 1 decade 2 years ago
No problem. I'm sure you will cope just fine when it comes to it.

posted 1 decade 1 year ago
Well written, there is a lot to learn.Thanks to the author.

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