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Where do I go from here?

horizonmikehorizonmike
posted 8 years 2 weeks ago
Hi everyone, I am new to this website today. I'd really appreciate it if anyone could take the time to read my story below and offer some advice.

3 months ago I got together with a good friend of mine, I have known her for 3 years and we have always got on really well. It all changed one night when we ended up kissing eachother at a party and realised shortly after that we were madly in love and had to be together. The only problem was that she had just broken up with a good friend of mine and they were still living together for one more month while sorting out the breakup. Their relationship had been slowly declining over the previous 6 months but they remain very good friends. For the last few months we have barely seen eachother out of respect for our friends and her ex. They have all seen something change in us and are convinced that we like eachother. She has now moved in with her family and her ex has moved in with his family. A few days ago her ex finally confronted her on her feelings towards me and she was honest with him. He is incredibly hurt that she had not come to him sooner since they are such good friends and always tell eachother everything. Because he is hurt, our whole group of friends are angry with her and me. While they were breaking up they had even made an agreement between them that they would tell one another if they had feelings for anyone else during the breakup period or got hit on by anyone else. Obviously to save his feelings she had kept our relationship a secret.
We are both aware that it is far from the ideal way to begin a relationship but we are completely besotted with one another and cannot wait until everything has settled down so we can get on with our lives together.

The reason I am posting today is because although this girl and I call eachother boyfriend and girlfriend and are committed to one another (although still secretly), I am confused as to how I can make this situation easier on her and everyone. We have not seen eachother in 3 weeks but talk on the phone everyday without fail. She feels like we cannot see eachother at the moment as she feels guilty about it. She feels that hurting her ex is one of the biggest mistakes of her life and cannot progress any further with our relationship until he is happy with it. I completely understand why she feels this way and I too realise that our relationship will benefit from a break, guilt is not a good feeling to associate with us.
I know it is selfish but I am getting terribly stressed and upset about constantly being told that we can't see eachother and knowing that she is prioritising her ex boyfriend over me. She still wants us to keep in touch but I am inclined to call a break between us until everything is sorted with her ex, even though that we be terribly hard for the both of us.
Should I give her space? Should I severe all contact until she is comfortable? Should I continue speaking to her everyday? I don't want to lose this girl!!

Thank you so much for reading this far.

Mike


GTTkelGTTkel
posted 8 years 2 weeks ago
I think you have a better chance at making it work if you take it slowly. I know you are already friends and so know each other well but if you rush it it will become a big blow out and everyone will get hurt. If you enjoy the anticipation and gradually let it happen it will more likely last. Your girlfriend is being conciderate of her ex and as you are all friends I think you have to respect that BUT there will have to come a point at which you can openly be together. It's ok to respect someone else and not hurt them but at some point you have to make sure you're not hurting yourself so talk to her about how you are both going to handle the situation together as a couple not as 2 individuals feeling guilty! Good luck

horizonmikehorizonmike
posted 8 years 2 weeks ago
Hi GTTkel,
I can't thank you enough for taking the time to read my story and reply. Your advice is exactly what I needed to hear. Since yesterday I called a 2 day break with her so I could collect my thoughts. I'm going to call her later and reassure her that I am on her side and we will take it slowly.

Thanks again, I appreciate it so much.


Mike

GTTkelGTTkel
posted 8 years 2 weeks ago
You're welcome

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