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Whats expected...

posted 1 decade 4 years ago
Sorry for turning up out of the blue everyone but im after some advice / a possible reality check.

I consider myself hardworking and to be doing my best regarding me and my new family how ever others around me dont feel this to be true so i just wanted to bounce a bit of family life around and get some feed back if no one minds as to if i need to do more or what.

Im in my late 20s, and am the father of twins.. i have a partner of the same age whom i love very much.

My issue regards who does what and when type stuff as i feel im having to much asked of me, and my partner feels the same and i currently feel ive lost out..

I work approx 25-30 mins away from home as were somewhat rural how ever with traffic travel times can be anywhere from 35 mins in a morning to an hour 20 mins at night.

I start work at 7:30 and finish at 5, to meet these requirments im normally awake just after 6 and out the door no later than half 6.

As a result of home bound traffic get home around 6:15..

I do some cooking, put out the garbage and do my best to pick up and do dishes etc around the house, my partner stays at home all day with the kids and a nanny student (also lucky enuf to go to the movies for a child on board flick weekly to) while i work.

Last night onwards we started a new rutine where kids are fed at fixed times, naps etc and its working fantastic the issue now is my partner went to bed around 8 and read a book and was asleep by 9 and im awake now at 2 mins past 10 about to feed both kids alone for the "dream feed" before i can go back to bed (i had a nap on the couch but very little sleeping while my partner read her book).

So i expect to be in bed by around 11 if i do things well and back awake at 6am or so..

Should i suck it up and accept this is apart of what i need to be doing amongst other things? Do i need to be doing even more around the house.. I manage to do washing a few loads worth on the weekends but during the week time isnt on my side this and the fact its allready done as its been required during the day ie nappies..

Or am i right in feeling im some what over worked and it would be fair my partner and i both did this dream feed and both got to bed around 20 to 11ish.. Her answer to my request is that she does all the feeds in the day, evening etc and this is the "only feed" she can have off and that i can do due to times i get home and times kids are due according to our new plans.

I have to get up for work, i find it more frustrating that even tho my partner gets up around 7ish am to fit into this system of what to do and when regarding feeds, awake time etc her mum comes down as shes very local to help as i leave for work allowing my partner another 15 mins sleep or so if all goes well..

My partner does so much watching the kids and i get that, and she expresses milk to feed them 3 times a day and i get that but does my work and traveling in a car for the daily grind really not count for anything? Im not lucky enough to know in advance i get 45 mins just after 9am, or 2 and a quater hours after 12 while kids sleep according to these plans.. I just get my work required breaks and these are used to eat, or catch a breath.

Thanks in advance for reading my dribble and even more so for your replys..

posted 1 decade 4 years ago
I work similar hours to you, only I get home earlier than then do work at home, my partner stays home to look after the children, we do an equal amount of cooking and house work. When I'm at home we share child care but if someone wants to go out he gets first dibs as he can go a week without seeing anyone but us and the kids. With the sleep issues, he tends to go to bed before me, he may not have a 'real' job but he is chasing around an almost two year old and three year old all day while having a screaming baby, (plus hes dead old) so he needs more sleep than me.

In our house everything is shared, apart from the odd bit of clothes washing and washing a few pots, housework doesn't get done in the day, it's impossible to clean and keep little ones entertained at the same time. So, the majority of ours gets done once the kids are in bed.

Exactly what tasks would you like to change/swap?

posted 1 decade 4 years ago
im finding the fact im awake my partner is still asleep and im about to walk out the door for work hard..

She slept non stop 9 till 6:30 encounting and i was no real sleep before 10.. did the 10 feed alone then got to bed around 11.. Was disturbed at 2:25 and then again at around 4:30 by each kid needing reassurance they hadnt been left and no wim up just after 6..

i have stinking headache and work to go to while my partner is still sleeping... Just feels a tad unbalanced to me.

Her justification for whats going on is the fact its the only feed i can contribute to doing and i dont do piss all else by the time i get home from work, eat and do the few odd jobs i can get done at that time of day / whats left to do..

Few dishes, and clean some bottles.. Am i really expected at 8pm to bust out into washing the floors, vaccumming the bedrooms? or some other task of this nature so she feels im doing somthing more "fair" regading house work...

posted 1 decade 4 years ago
So you don't want to do anything then. Maybe you should spend a day in your partner shoes where you are expected to do everything, then you'll realise that going out to work is a lot easier and far less draining than staying at home to look after children.

posted 1 decade 4 years ago
My husband works very long hours and takes on average 45 minutes to get to work (and that's on a motorbike!). He also works shifts. He said to me that he has the 'easy job' Smile

I am a stay-at-home mum (also setting up and running my own business) and right now he is the main/only breadwinner in this house. I appreciate everything he does for us BUT he understands also about how hard it is to look after children.

We only have the one baby (and a grown up girl of 10) to take care of who is 9 months old but it's 24 hour care that is required. She goes to bed about 6pm and doesn't get up again until 6-7am but I still check her numerous times in the evening and night (I can hear her sigh at 100 paces!).

Hubby was off last weekend so my eldest and I went to the cinema to see Harry Potter. We left at 11am and were back by 5pm. Hubby said he was exhausted and it was far easier going to work. Sophie (our baby) is full on when she's awake. You can't leave her alone to amuse herself, she needs your attention almost all day. OK, you can spend 5 minutes checking your email or making lunch but more than that and you feel you are abandoning her. Let's face it, she's far too young to be left more than a few minutes on her own. She's just trying to crawl and starts shuffling around the lounge.

Hubby and I often share the cooking and he's far better at hoovering than me so he does that and I iron and wash. We both do bits around the house like cleaning bathrooms, etc and he definitely is the mower of the lawn! Smile

I don't expect him to do any more and he allows me to have a lie in at times when he's off (and vice versa) and a pampering day. He is more than happy to take care of Sophie while I go and get food shopping or pop into town to get some clothes and have a bit of 'me' time.

Trust me on this one - going to work is a very easy option!

posted 1 decade 4 years ago
Well you do more than my hubby, so I would say you do help. I can see it from both sides though.

I honestly don't expect my husband to come home after a 12hr shift and hoover, day or night shift. He recently was relocated and now has to commute (he used to work around the corner but unfortunately had to move to a different plant) so his day is 2 hrs longer.

He does sometimes run around with the hoover for me and does the DIY etc. I'll admit sometimes I would prefer him to do the cooking once in a while but you can't have everything lol! I understand he works long hours and recently has done an extreme amount of overtime because of our financial situation.

He will let me have a lay-in when he knows I really need it. i don't usually get up until about 6.30, when he's on a day shift he's long gone and on nights he's not home yet, so it's usually him that needs it more than me!

I was never able to breastfeed, I tried to express for my son and had to give up after 3 weeks because I just couldn't sit for 30 mins on each breast expressing. I had a newborn and a toddler who just wanted me from every angle, so there I can see her point of finding her time taken up, I only had one baby to feed and I could only mix feed him, so I can only imagine the pressure to feed two. We went through quite a rough patch immediately after our son was born and my hubby was very distant and I had barely any help during the first few months, which was extremely hard. I would have been very appreciative of dinner being cooked a couple of times a week, or the washing up done, but it wasn't and I don't look back at that particular period as a happy one, which is sad.

I only had 16 weeks maternity leave and went back to work when the youngest was 13 weeks (at that time 9 - 5). I would get up get the kids sorted, fed clothed, bottles food ready. walk to the Mother in Laws, drop them off, walk to work, do a full day, go pick them up from the mother - in -laws. get home and kids settled start loading and unloading washing. Have dinner ready (usually hubby was home by now), feed youngest while my tea went cold, washed up and got eldest to bed, then settled colicy youngest and fed him every 2hrs during the night. That went on for about 6 months until he weaned and still he wouldn't sleep properly through the night until has was about 2, so I found it very tiring! It does put strain on a relationship being tired and suddenly finding things change, but its the trials of being a new parent I'm afraid Smile

posted 1 decade 4 years ago
Suspect Hmmmmmmmm my DH only helps out with cleaning when i throw a huge tantrum!!!(about once a month)but i think that is mostly my fault as i am a huge control freak when it comes to cleaning and its never good enough when someone else does it( i even mow the lawns and wash the cars)!!
I think considering the amount of time you work you are pulling your weight. I know some days at home with the children are harder than others and when my DH gets home i feel like locking my self away in my room or going for a long walk "ALONE" lol.My DH thinks he needs a break as he has been at work all day and i feel like i need ME time so we do butt heads a bit on this topic.
I think you should sit with your other half and have a chat of what she wants/needs you to do and some how come to a compramise.

posted 1 decade 4 years ago
Thanks guys this is really helpfull for me, I understand she needs my support and its clear she is having issues with regards to post natal related issues.

My issue at present is that im due a job interveiw tommorow (thursday) and i made a seemingly bad descion on Tuesday night to stay after work (rather than sit in traffic) and have a few beers and basically research my situation, how many applicants etc..

I had a call during the day from my partner expressing she was having some issues and our student nanny isnt the most helpful but thankfully she wansnt alone..

I regret to an extent not rushing home to her aid and i copped it big time over night with no sleep due to issues between us and the kids being unsettled.

But i hand on my heart feel its a wise call to aid me getting this pay rise and new job, She and eye dont see eye to eye on this as she feels i abandoned her and i do feel bad that i had.. What should i have done do what i can to get a better job, or support my partner that night.. I couldnt do both.... Its not like im cheating on her or out at the gym or watching a movie i was at work 2 hours after a 9 hour work day trying to improve my chances for work......

She threw at me at midnight i needed to have wednesday off work and watch the kids as she just couldnt do it, this tore me up.. i needed to be here for my family but to have the day off the day before my job interveiw was as good as not going to the interview in my opinion.

Thankfully her mother resuced me off the hook and stayed home so she could sleep for 6 hours..

its a hard balance and i feel no matter what i do i cant win, if i did support her.. not get the job next week id get it in the neck about money and lack of etc and how good it would be to have more income.. Aghh

Im happy to cook in fact i want to cook more, but my partner dont like stir frys, and this is frankly my quick and easy and best meal to make as it helps me personally eat more veges and i enjoy making it... I cant even win here!!

Lucky we have hardwood floors so vacuming isnt a biggie, floor sweep now and then i do but over all its done more by her mum ( its actually her mums house ) or the nanny student does these duties..

I know been home on Saturdays etc during the day when kids are awake is full on, but i dont know what i can do to help here.. If i volonteer to do all the night feeds & re settle the kids everytime they wake ( 10pm feed, they stir and might need to be settled around 1-2 but 4-6 is hardcore kids awake and take up to 20 mins easy to settle)ill collapse...

Im not the best at housework but i do try even tho the other side to this story would say other wise, Ill admit im not perfect at avoiding my computer.. Since being a teenager till this day my computer / desk is my safe space i cant help but get infront of it as much as i can when i know i could be vacuming, taking out the garbage or somthing else that will get done on a weekly basis.. But does this make me a bad person? such a bad person i get to be told how allmost hopeless i am all the time? i mean the garbage gets out on the road weekly i just dont feel the need to clean the dining room table THAT second of a few bits, mail, newspaper and general bits and bobs.. it is hardly a urgent task i say ill get to it i mean that i will get to it..

But apparantly its a case that when SHE says she wants somthing done it has to be then.. I dont feel this is fair.. i hardly go around the house telling her when she should express milk..

its not that im going to put off to a point where i wont do it, its the point that i just dont want to get to be asked or told to do somthing and have to do it right away.. its just like been at work.

ARgh this is a total moan and im sorry and dont actually imagine anyone reading all this, but i need to vent and this is my best out.

Thank you, its good to hear other peoples stories..

posted 1 decade 4 years ago
My husband doesn't work anywhere near as many hours as you and he doesn't do all that much at home under normal circumstances. At the moment he is doing more as we've just had our third baby AND moved house both in july so he's had some time off work. But normally I would do all the house work, cooking, washing up etc and I do all the night feeds. His chores at home are things like cutting the grass and taking rubbish out. I don't know what it's like having twins but I do have 3 children,I admit I would like a bit more help at home but as the house wife I feel I should pull my weight. If you are out of the house 12 hours a day I wouldn't expect you to do too much in terms of actual chores BUT to give your other half a break from what must be a long sometimes lonely day with the babies I think it's nice for you to watch the kids so she can sit down or have a bath in peace etc. I think every couple will have differing opinions on which chores they should do and what's harder-having a paid job or being at home with the children. BOTH are demanding!

posted 1 decade 4 years ago
Its pritty clear no matter what a guy does hes all ways done to little.. I woke up saturday morning, grabbed the washing basket from our room.. snapped up Kennedy and left my partner to sleep.

i got a load of washing started while preparing the bottle for kennedy as she played on the mat up stairs then i fed her and entertained her in the jolly jumper as i began to do the same process over for Lincoln ( Twins huh..)

Eventually my missus got up and at this point it was nap time for the monsters so we put them down.. From here i managed to wash a few bottles ( 5 mins job i realise but i still did it without being asked ) all i remember from here is going to visit my mum and coming home for nap time.. about 40 mins before the kids 2 hour nap was over my partner decided to go nap on the couch.. Rather than being a b4st4rd i felt it best to juggle the kids as best i could.. Miss moo woke up at 2:30 due time and i fed and entertained her for a good 2 hours untill mr sleeps got up at this point i started to feed him but couldnt entertain her enuf and she ended up wakeing my girl up.

But she was refreshed and a happier girl for it all i remember now was keeping the kids entertained down stairs while running over what to have for dinner as kennedy had a nap. Then it was feed time and bed time pritty much after that..

From this snapshot of a day in the life could i have done more? as Sunday i seem to be getting in the neck re washing that wasnt finished ie folded despite doing the re useable nappies folding etc the day before.

posted 1 decade 4 years ago
with all due respects shes just had twins, but shes gotta get off her arse and do some stuff sounds like shes taking advantage of you, sorry but when i had a baby and a toddler both together, my husband helped as best he culd but i got on with stuff life doesnt end just because you popped out some babies.

I think shes taking you for an idiot mate!

And if theres a Nanny during th day what the feck does she do when the nannys there?

Sleep all day, I know 2 babies at once is tiring but comeon if you are doing all you say you are what does she do?

posted 1 decade 4 years ago
i completley agree with lucy must mums dont have the lucsury (sp) of a nanny and they have to cope a friend of mine has twins (6mnths) and a boy now 2years and is a single parent with no nanny and she survives

posted 1 decade 4 years ago
I also agree with lucy. I know when I had LC I had RB at home and with having a new-born baby and a toddler who wasn't toilet trainned until he was almost 3 as he just wouldn't entertain the potty or toilet that was hard. And LC also had that babyheart-burn so I loads to do with her. I never had bottles to deal with though so that bit was a bit different for me. But when I had LC I also suffered with terrible PND to the point were I was very nearly sectioned with it. I woul dhave a sit down with your partner and talk to her.

I do know it is hard with twins well I never had the chance to take my twins home but I did deal have almost 2 weeks of having to deal with 3 children at home and having to find half an hour every 2-3 hours to sit down and express and yes I did have the support of my husband but he couldn't do everything. I'm told I am very house-proud because of the standards I have when it comes down to cleaning and if my hubbie didn't do something to the standards I expect then he had to do them again and still does. I know he can't wait until i am allowed to start usin gthe dyson again myself as I make him go over the carpets again when he thinks the job is done just because I can still see soem dirty or the carpet doesn't feel right under my feet. But because he knows I'm only doing it because of our toddler thinkin git is great to pick everything and anythin gup that he can and put them in his mouth he doesn't mind me having high standards for the health of our children but anything other than that he will accept.

Your partner is taking you for a rid no-mother unless medical told to sleep loads due to cronic sleep deprobation should do what your partner does, yes allow her to sleep in some-days but the way it sounds she wants to sleep all the time which is not what a mother does. It is our duty as a mother to be a-wake dealing witht he children's needs with or without the support of a father. A nanny is soemone to turn too when you go back to work in my eyes and nothing else, why pay someone to do the jobs that come natural as a role of being a mother or father. Again this is just my feelings and I'm sorry if this has affended anyone

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