Am I being unreasonable

Most of you know my situation. Since the ex left two years ago I've had a pretty mixed bag, but finally I think things are moving in the right direction especially since moving to Cardiff.

The move has introduced a distance element into having the children. When we split we never formalised the contact. The situation is complicated as the eldest is not mine and has fortnightly visits with her father. To ensure that I get to have a weekend with all three, and that the ex does as well I can't just arrange to have the kids every other weekend. We could set it so that I have them for two weekends on the trot and then not, but as my work has me all over the place it seemed easier to leave it as flexible.

The next bit may seem ungrateful but it is not the case I love having the kids but I need time to have a life myself as well which I can't do during the week because of work.

I had the kids to stay 4-5 April, then took some time off to have them 12-15 April and spend 16 April with them as well as it was DD's birthday, 25-26 April, 2-4 May. I then had planned two weeks where I had things going on with friends. The first one passed without problems but the next one I was asked to have the kids again so that she could go and meet a friend. I resisted initially then said yes but I wouldn't be able to pick them up until late on the Saturday (let the alochol from Friday night leave my body before I drove). She wasn't particularly happy with the timing so I said she would have to bring them to me if she wanted to get away any earlier, and said she could drop them off after 2pm. So she turned up at midday. When I told her my friends were still there from the previous night she took the kids off to McDonalds and came back an hour later with my friends still in the house. She refused to even come into the house to say goodbye to the kids, no thank you for having them and spoiling any possibility of me spending any more time with my friends.

That was last weekend, this weekend I have the kids for three days and then two weekends without them primarily because I can't due to work commitments. I got a text on Friday at 4pm asking me what time I was leaving or going to be with her. I had told her the previous day that I probably wouldn't be there until after 7pm as I had a lot of work to do and probably wouldn't get away until 5:30pm. Anyway at 5:30pm I get another text asking me if I've left yet. Anyway got there at 7:30 due to traffic, got home at 9:30ish got the kids to bed and had dinner. Today I'm due to take them back and got a text to say she won't be back to 7pm which I think is hopeful based on where she is travelling from and the bank holiday traffic that will be coming back from there as well.

Is she taking the piss or am I being unreasonable? I work my arse off, and she knows how unpredictable my job is. Is she just taking advantage of me wanting to spend time with the kids? She's the one that left me taking the kids with her, and she seems to have ended up better off. She has friends (mostly made on the internet) that seem to be willing to give her a bed every weekend she doesn't have the children, between me and the state she has money to support all of this and keeps finding more routes to save her money so she can spend it on herself (I certainly don't see it being spent on the kids). Whereas I spend 40-70 hours a week working to pay all the bills and repay the debts we built up together, plus the kids live with her (I know they couldn't live with me whilst I'm single) and as I had relied on her for company when we were together I had no friends when we split up. I'm just getting things back on track now, and have a couple of friends but the weekends are the only times I can usually arrange to see them. So you can see I am constantly being pulled in many directions for that valuable free time I have on the weekends.

Sorry it's such I long post but I just had to get it off my chest.

I would never choose my friends over my children

Samuel said:
I would never choose my friends over my children

Not sure if you're referring to her or me with that. If I had the choice I'd wind the clock back a few years and I would have found a way to stop her leaving but I tried and failed. Ideal situation would be that we were back together because then I have my kids everyday but can arrange to have a life as a normal family would. But getting back together just isn't an option anymore, too much water under the bridge and it would just be an absolute nightmare and no good for the kids.
It's not that I am choosing one over the other (friends over kids), but I had plans for a weekend then to have the children almost forced upon me. Surely if you spent all week working, usually alone, and had no life outside of work during the week you would want at least a little you time on the occasional weekend?
Perhaps you're a better person than me and can cope with nobody in your life, no friends, nobody to talk to and spend all week working and weekend looking after the kids! I enjoy every moment I have with them, but if I am a miserable git because I have nothing outside of that and it translates into a negative atmosphere around them then that is bad?
In my job I work from home so don't see anybody or I am out travelling alone in the car/plane and meeting people only once usually. My colleagues are the occasional voice at the end of the phone but more often than not it is an email, so I don't have an opportunity to form friendships there and nobody I can confide in.

Samuel - A thrown in random one-line comment directed at god knows who is not constructive. Best not to say anything if you can't actually direct the comment properly and offer real advice don't you think?

When you are the separate parent it can be difficult. It sounds to me like you are being very reasonable. Whilst I fully understand you want to see your children, you do also have a life of your own due to the circumstances you have found yourself in (ie. split from your family).

Even people who are still a family unit have time away from the kids so any comment of "I would never choose my friends over my children" is absolute nonsense. It's not choosing one over the other, but there has to be a balance and as an adult, you do need the company of other adults not just your children. Anyone who says otherwise is an obsessive (to the point of probably needing a psychiatrist) parent.

You obviously try and see your children as much as possible but of course when you know you're not seeing them, you go see friends or do hobbies. What are you supposed to do - sit around every weekend you don't have them just in case your ex wants you to take them at the last minute?

I think you should make plans and stick to them.

Your ex knows exactly what weekends/school holidays you are having your children and about your work commitments. She should therefore also plan to see her friends and do her visiting when she doesn't have the children and not use you as an unpaid babysitter when she wants to just go out.

The only people who can actually advise you on this are people who have gone through it. So, trust me on this, I'm speaking from experience and I think you've nothing to be beating yourself up about

Also sent you a PM as I think I've had about enough of this forum...

Honestly I can see both points of view. I know she hurt you really badly when you split and I think it's really great that you are now getting yourself back out there. You often come on here and sound very lonely and I do truely think it's good for you that you are socialising more. I'm by no means slating you or siding with her but there was one thing you said that surprised me, when you said "no thankyou for having them and spoiling the possibility of more time with your friends". Surely if you've still got your friends there from the night before you've had quite a few hours with them! Secondly, why does she need to say thankyou, you're not a baby sitter you're their dad! Do you say "thankyou" to her every day that she is taking care of them?

I'm not trying to be a mean cow here I'm just saying that although in an ideal World you'd go back and still be all together and not in this situation, it's not an ideal World. Things have been hard; and even if she is to blame for the split I'm sure she's had hard times since as well and maybe she sometimes feels resentful towards you too or unhappy with her life. The bottom line is you want to see your kids, it's become harder since you moved further away and you have to commit lots of time to your job. It's not really about who chooses the dropping off/picking up times or who the arrangements suit more you or her. It's about the fact your children are getting to see you as much as possible surely. You've come a long way since the break up but there will always be times when things don't suit you both.

GTTkel said:
Honestly I can see both points of view. I know she hurt you really badly when you split and I think it's really great that you are now getting yourself back out there. You often come on here and sound very lonely and I do truely think it's good for you that you are socialising more. I'm by no means slating you or siding with her but there was one thing you said that surprised me, when you said "no thankyou for having them and spoiling the possibility of more time with your friends". Surely if you've still got your friends there from the night before you've had quite a few hours with them! Secondly, why does she need to say thankyou, you're not a baby sitter you're their dad! Do you say "thankyou" to her every day that she is taking care of them?

I'm not trying to be a mean cow here I'm just saying that although in an ideal World you'd go back and still be all together and not in this situation, it's not an ideal World. Things have been hard; and even if she is to blame for the split I'm sure she's had hard times since as well and maybe she sometimes feels resentful towards you too or unhappy with her life. The bottom line is you want to see your kids, it's become harder since you moved further away and you have to commit lots of time to your job. It's not really about who chooses the dropping off/picking up times or who the arrangements suit more you or her. It's about the fact your children are getting to see you as much as possible surely. You've come a long way since the break up but there will always be times when things don't suit you both.

Exactly

GTTkel said:
Honestly I can see both points of view. I know she hurt you really badly when you split and I think it's really great that you are now getting yourself back out there. You often come on here and sound very lonely and I do truely think it's good for you that you are socialising more. I'm by no means slating you or siding with her but there was one thing you said that surprised me, when you said "no thankyou for having them and spoiling the possibility of more time with your friends". Surely if you've still got your friends there from the night before you've had quite a few hours with them! Secondly, why does she need to say thankyou, you're not a baby sitter you're their dad! Do you say "thankyou" to her every day that she is taking care of them?

I'm not trying to be a mean cow here I'm just saying that although in an ideal World you'd go back and still be all together and not in this situation, it's not an ideal World. Things have been hard; and even if she is to blame for the split I'm sure she's had hard times since as well and maybe she sometimes feels resentful towards you too or unhappy with her life. The bottom line is you want to see your kids, it's become harder since you moved further away and you have to commit lots of time to your job. It's not really about who chooses the dropping off/picking up times or who the arrangements suit more you or her. It's about the fact your children are getting to see you as much as possible surely. You've come a long way since the break up but there will always be times when things don't suit you both.

Hey, no offence taken. Work is the same as it has always been and that hasn't changed since I moved or before we split up. Just would have been nice for her to be grateful for me changing my plans around so that she could go off and meet her friends. She meets her friends every weekend she doesn't have the kids. Maybe she has more than me, or they are just willing to put up with her more than mine are with me but this was only the second time in 5 months that I had had friends over.
Anyway got some feedback on the situation and that was all I was really after.

sent you a message Owen.