Very very sad & so unhappy

I don't know where to start off with this post at all. I have been crying all day, I am so tired. I have a terrible marriage. I do love him but not like I used to. I don't think we ever had a good relationship at all. Some background?...I met him when I was going through a divorce, online, about 9 yrs ago. We got along great online and also when we met BUT things were very tense. Throughout the course of our relationship, I found out that he expected different with me (physically), I have been through him cheating on me one time but for about a month long right after our daughter was born. He stated to me as I was moving out that he figured that the problem was that he was never attarcted to me at all physically or sexually.I do so much as a mother and a wife. I am so tired. I rub his back, his feet, his arse for freak sakes. I do all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry everything. I take care of the kids, drive them where they need to go, put our daughter to bed etc all the while he does nothing! he said that his job is to go to work then come home and that is it. I baked last night...chocolate pudding, choc chip cookies, vanilla cupcakes, fudge and I asked him to help me with the dishes and he tried to get my 15 yr old to do it, then when I got mad he said fine then I will do it (having to get off of his xbox) He does nothing for me. He will not show me the least amount of gratitude. I go to bed alone and we have a sexless marriage. Twice in a year. I feel awful, disgusting that my own hubby does not want me. I am hurt that when I ask for a foot rub (I shouldn't have to) he gets all angry with me and says well my hands are sore I can't do it.
I don't even know what it feels like to have a man love me. To want to be with me, to actually want to hold my hand and want to be there with me even to watch tv and to cuddle., to out his arm around me and be there with me and for me. I forgot what all of that feels like. It's very sad to me that I feel so trapped. He immigrated to canada from the us and now if we split, I will be stuck supporting him for 3 years. He is so handsome and I am so attracted to him even after 9 years but he bever felt the same way for me. He refuses to do anything with us as a family, all he does is harp on the kids to do this and do that and I am so tired of trying to smooth things over. he actually told me that this girl here in our small town was trying to get into his pants and I know that if we do spilt and he leaves me yet again for the young hot thing, I will be alone due to the fact that after all this, I could never ever believe that any man, no matter how nice, handsome and itelligent he is would want to be with me. I have been beaten down so badly emotionally and mentally that all i do is exist for the kids sakes.

*sigh*

Sorry for the long post but I had to let it out. Everyone I speak with sides with him, including a g/f of mine.

Well I think that he is stupid! It seems like you go well beyond what you should be expected to do, and that he does not do enough.

I'm separated now, but whilst with my wife I worked (long hours) and she didn't work. I expected her to do more of the household jobs then me, simply because she was there more. But I never expected her to do everything. I spent time doing different bits & pieces around the house to help out, especially with the kids. I'd put them to bed, get up in the night if they had a problem, change nappies, take them out so she could have some down time etc. I'd be lucky if she cooked as much as you did in one night in a month.

That said meeting somebody whilst going through a divorce does not sound like the best foundation for a good relationship. Likewise I have my reservations about meeting people online for the same sort of thing. Its not that I'm against it, maybe I just too cynical.

I don't understand why you have to support him if he is earning money, but probably around the immigration laws I expect. Doesn't make much sense. He doesn't sound worth the hastle and you seem a much better person than him. Talk to him, explain how he is making you feel. If he doesn't listen and react favourably then you're probably better off without him. Even if you do have to support him for 3 years at least you have those years to get over the situation and move forward instead of wasting 3 years with him.

It seems you are practically supporting everything about his life.

You cook, clean, look after the children and him. He needs to grow up and see what he is doing, I think you need to stand upto him and tell him he's out and ignore the threats. He has made you feel there's no choice in the matter and made you think you are trapped.

All I can suggest is maybe getting some legal advice on the quiet about how you stand on immigration support issue if you were to call it a day on the marriage. He's already cheated once and I'm afraid, to me it sounds like he would do it again, yet make you feel it was your fault.

It worries me how your children are perceiving your relationship too, they may think it is OK to treat their partners in the way your husband treats you, or be treated badly and think it is normal.

Only you can decide whether or not to end the relationship, but try to be strong and stand up to him and rise above the put downs. He may realise what he's done to you, he may not.

Thanks for the replies. The only thing with the immigration is that if he ever goes on assistance within the next 3 yrs I have to pay that back to the government. I actually saw that girl and yup I know I am so screwed if she makes moves on him, he would be gone..which actually I am hoping it happens. Then it will be easy. He leaves for her and I am free! I do love him but what can I do? I can't be with someone who does not really want to be with me. I know he loves me but he loves the idea of me not really me. He only wants to be with me for all the things that I do for him. He wants a mother and a room mate. I am so sorry for saying this as I really really do not want to be nasty but this morning I was wearing a nighty, he came into the bedroom and I took his hand and put it under my nighty, I said this is what you are missing. He said oh..then got up and left the bedroom..shut down! Oh well. Thanks for the support everyone.

I totally feel for you and would be heart broken to be in a marriage where the person I loved did not love me back in the same way.
I have to say that the issues you have about him not wanting to help around the house is quite a general one that many women I know encounter; my husband is very selfish!! So I don't think that aspect of the relationship is particularly related to how he feels about you, just about the type of person HE is.
If you intend to split up I don't think you should be worried about trusting another man in the future, really you need to just be on your own and deal with things that way. Not everyone will be like this but right now you need to focus on where you're at.
I hope you can find a decision that will be good for you.

Yeah i know that it is the way that he is with the helping out around the house part. It completely sucks. It is 1:30 pm here in the afternoon and I am just sitting down! I guess we don't do enough here at the home eh? I have been crying yet again. I am so tired of being a maid and a nanny...exactly what i am. I am not a wife, lover or even feel like a woman at all and now I am thinking of going outside of the marriage. I hate cheating, hate the idea but well if I ask for a ivorce he won't give it and I am missing alot in my life. Here I am checking out his butt, checking him out, and hoping that at lunch when he comes home that I will get "some" nope doesn't happen. I cannot please him at all and now I feel it is all because of my size. I will not change me for anyone. I am who I am and there is no way that I will diet etc etc to please him. He takes me as I am or hit the road. It has to be that.. I mean what man would go and umm please himself but not make out with his wife instead? I don't get it. Is it me *itching alot? I only do that sometimes when he annoys me..can't be that. I don;t know. Oh well. Thanks for the replies everyone. I don't have anyone else so it's nice to get feedback from you all.