tantrums and 2nd child on way

Hi,
Was hoping some of you would be able to give me some advice. We have a 2 year 8 month old girl chloe. We have just found out that we are pregnant again and due later this year. Chloe has never been an angel and has always had a stroppy demanding streak but was usually easily distracted and quickly over. I work full time so whilst im working Chloe goes to nursey 4 mornings a week (which i take her too) then to my parents 2 afternoons and my in laws 2 afternoons. Myself and my husband both get back from work at the same time and spend the rest of the evening with her. She spends Saturdays with her dad then its the 3 of us all day on a sunday. Chloe has always been better behaved for everyone else than she is for me. Ive tried finding out what im doing wrong or different but nothing has helped. My husband says that Chloe can be happy, helpful and playfull all day then i walk in from work and she starts straight away. I play with her constantly, i try and make every minute i get with her matter. We have a good relationship, she's very loving towards me and we spend a lot of time just talking and being normal but she will throw a paddy, scream, punch, or just be very difficult at the drop of a hat and lots of times during a day/night.
We now have another baby on the way and have included chloe from day one. I read books with her about the pregnancy and we draw pictures and just talk about it and she semms happy to do so and has been telling everyone. But her tantrums have taken on another level, she will scream and scream till she's sick, stamp her feet, throw herself around, throw things around and there is a real anger in her voice. I dont deal with this any differently to how i would normally deal with her tantrums, im aware of not pandering to her needs so she thinks this is ok.
Im really concerned that this is to do with the new baby, and that it will continue when the baby arrives. I have no idea how im going to cope with her on my own when on materninty leave esp as she's worse when we're on our own.
I just want her to be happy.
help please!

It is probably her age and the new baby, she is just learning how to assertive herself and get her own way, so she is going to take advantage, children do sometimes act up more with one parent than another.
It might be because of how she is treated at nursery and at her grandparents as well, a lot of the time a nursery and grandparents do not punish the same as parents, so she might be confused as to what she is allowed to do, then there is the attention issue too, if she only spends evenings and Sunday with you, she may feel that being naughty gets more attention than playing, this is something Jamie used to do when I was working more.

Thanks for your reply. How did you deal with your situation? Ill try again talking to my family to get some structure between us. I already try and not give her attention when she's naughty but maybe need to look into it even more. x

I think it's an age thing somewhat but maybe just added to by the impending birth of your new baby.

Jas used to have paddys around 3 years old. She would throw herself on the ground, scream, thrash around, etc. She didn't have a lot of them but I have very little tolerance for that kind of behaviour and I would give her a matter of a minute or two to stop it or else. I've never had a naughty step or anything like that as I couldn't see how it would work - she'd just get off it and carry on. I'm afraid I have been known to put her over my shoulder to carry her up to her room and put her into it and shut the door. I would stand outside and if she opened the door whilst still having a paddy, I would push her back inside and say she was not coming out until she behaved. I have to confess to even holding the handle of the door shut with her shouting inside that she was going to be sick, can't breathe (she has an air of drama about her ) etc. She would eventually calm down and then she would apologise and we'd get on like it never happened.

She didn't do it very often I have to say and I'm not sure whether that's because my husband and I were so very intolerant of it or not. Maybe we were just lucky with her.

I am assuming you don't spoil her just because you are away from her a bit? If you do, perhaps she's just pushing the boundaries even further with you as so she can get her own way?

I hope you can sort it out hun

emmaloubates said:
Thanks for your reply. How did you deal with your situation? Ill try again talking to my family to get some structure between us. I already try and not give her attention when she's naughty but maybe need to look into it even more. x

I quit my job to one with shorter hours to be home more and his behavior was so much better within days, the devil child no more.

Hi there hun, i will try again as little fingers managed to delete my last attemp at this post!
I also think that a lot of it is her age hun. They certainly know how to push our buttons at that age hun, believe me i know! lol
Although it obviously could have been exasperated by the impending arrival of no.2. However LO's her age don't tend to get jealous until the baby actually arrives as it is very hard for them to comprehend what it means exactly before it happens. Having said that, if you are reading to her a lot and talking to her a lot about baby she may just have heard enough for a while? I understand you want to include her in it all, and that is right, the last thing you want is for her to feel pushed out. It may be better to wait until she looks curious about something or asks you about it for a litle while though?
A reward chart for good behaiour is also a good thing to have as it means they get attention for the right stuff rather than when they are having a tantrum and you are at your wits end. It is easy to overlook good behaviour as it is not something as adults we tend to do a lot. I mean you wouldn't say to a friend or colleague thankyou for playing nicely/not shouting etc! lol. Plus, i don't know about you but if we have 5min peace because the LO is playing nicely then we tend to get jobs done we have run out of time for, so forgetting the praise. Then when they play up they get all the attention of telling off etc.
I also agree you need to make sure all of the people that look after her use the same form of punishment/reward so as not to confuse her.
Finally i hope you don't mind me asking but do you feel guilty about having to work fulltime? ( not that you should!) only littleones are ery good at picking up on things like this and like Krista said if you are spoiling her a little when you are together then she may be seeing how far she can go. Which it possibly why it is worse with you?
Good luck hun, i know it can be really exasperating but you will get there! Xx

Thanks everyone for all your help, going to try a few of your ideas over the next couple of weeks and see how it goes. ALso makes a lot of sense what you said about her pushing more with me as she can probably sense my guilt with working full time. Im off work for a couple of weeks now so really going to try and get things back under control. Think i just got freaked out this morning with her biggest ever tantrum and paniced about the whole new baby thing!
Thanks For listening and letting me blow off steam!

xx

i have problems with my little girl, i did say she was very badly behaved and sometimes she can be, shes got worse since starting nursery. she is a little angel at nursery with grandparents and even with dad normally 2. as soon as shes with me shes a different child, prob not what some would call devil child but i do as its behaviour i wont tolerate.(and is also passing to her lil bro.)
i spoke with her nursery and they gave me a reward chart that they would also follow in nursery, i.e. she had to collect 10 stickers for good behaviour then she would get a treat at home and at nursey.
maybe try speakin to her nursery, if she respects them they could have a word with her about her behaviour and help you. if you do get a reward chart make sure its followed at home and grandparents too.

unfortunatly for me the reward chart didnt work with casey,(she wanted the stickers but wasnt prepared to do anything for them.) were trying the naughty step and she really doesnt like that. in extreme cases shes put to bed, but i try my hardest not to get to there as she has toys in her bedroom.

hope you find something that works for you before baby comes.

i think this is very normal from what i have heard from other people, although my daughter isnt at that age yet. My DD has always been an angel, but i notice that she does act up more when it is just me.

i think you need to talk to your parents and in-laws, and to her carer, and get some structure, or just to see what types of dicipline they are using, and work out a new strategy.

i read that temper tantrums are just a child's way of dealing with emotions that they dont understand. with Kailey's tantrums, i used to sit her on a chair, or sit wherever she was chucking the tanny, until she calmed down. it didnt take her long at all. one day we were walking through a shop, in the toy isle and she wanted a dolly, but i said no, so she started to whinge. I looked at her and shhok my head 'no', and she sat down cross-legged in the middle of the isle, 'until she calmed down'! it was so cute, but now we dont really have to worry about tantrums. but as i said, i have an angel, so i dont know if that would work with Chloe, all kids are different.

i think the main thing is to talk to her carers, and work out the same rules and strategy of dicipline so that she isn't confused with what she can get away with.

i think if Chloe understands, she wont get as frustrated. you and your husband need to set a good example by dealing with anger and frustration, not saying that you dont already.

good luck hun, and i hope things get better for you, and congrats on the new baby.