How can i get my ex to clean up her act?

How do i clue you in on this, My ex has always been lazy she lives in lupset 2 streets down from me and its one of the messyest houses i have ever seen she's 28 works part time at the local dr's anyway there is no wallpaper on the walls no carpets all she ever does is sit and watch tv there was 16 used toilet rolls upstairs 3 full rubbish bags in the kitchen empty beer cans all over it tears me apart when i have to hand him back.
I'm not rich i think of myself as lazy but when it comes to my son i feel sick to my stomach if i think he is in danger or maybe getting ill because of the living conditions he has to endure.
And when i say the place is bad it has human excrement on the walls in the bathroom she smokes drinks goes out every week i have offered to decorate and lay carpets but she always says next week.

What do i do call social services and risk him being taken into care? leave it until he gets ill? i am so stuck i dont know what to do i consider myself a failure as a parent because i have let him live this way for so long

I assume you have some form of custody, if so call social services, until recently my partner was a social worker, so I've asked him about this. He says from your description the child would be removed from the mothers house almost straight away and sent to live with the nearest suitable relative, which unless there is anything black on your record, would be you.
She would get help to clean up her act, she would have to take parenting classes, AA classes and then have a clean and suitable home for a very long time until a judge considered it safe for him to live there again, any visits to her until this time would be supervised by another person as well.
If she does clean up her act, she will be allowed visits that are not superived, your son may or may not live with her. It will depend on who spends the most time at home to take care of him. If you leave it until your son becomes ill then you will also have custody taken away as you chose to allow abuse to continue.

Ok, firstly hi there, and welcometo JP . I haven't seen you before! I am Mandy, mum of 2.
I am sorry i can't give you any professional advice as lawfully i don't know where you stand. I will give you my opinion though. I am assuming as you have offered to decorate for her, you have spoken to her about the way she lives? If not, then that is certainly the first thing i would do. Tell her you are not happy letting your son to continue living in such awful unsavoury conditions and that unless she gets it sorted very soon then you will contact social services. Offer to help her do it. It doesn't have to get nasty. Say you understand it must be tough for her on her own but that she can't keep living the way she is or someone is going to get poorly. If she has done nothing to start sorting things out within a coupleof days i too would contact social services. Although i don't know what would happen for sure, i am pretty certain that they would try and house the child with a suitable, trustworthy family member before he went into care. It sounds that as you are allowed unsupervised access that you would be the first port of call for this? I also think from what you have described you do HAVE to do something as you are right to think he could get poorly. Do something now before you wish you had. You are not a bad father, if you were you would have no qualms with him living this way. Just make sure you sort the situation now, before it gets worse hun! Xx

I would suggest it sounds like you have a good case to get custody. It may be best to go and talk to citizens advice about this as they can advise where you stand.

orc30 said:
I would suggest it sounds like you have a good case to get custody. It may be best to go and talk to citizens advice about this as they can advise where you stand.

I agree. this is not healthy!!

Firstly welcome

Sounds like Samuel knows what he is talking about from his other half so perhaps taking that little snippet under your belt, you could seek some advice as Orc suggests and then perhaps give her an ultimatum.

Would you be able to take care of your son yourself or would you need daycare? It's something maybe you should consider to see if you would be happy if she were to clean up her act (literally it sounds) or not.

It does sound a dreadful situation and really as though she doesn't care for him at all. There is no excuse for excrement on the walls!

I hope you get this sorted soon. Certainly get some form of legal advice hun. Good luck

I highly doubt that threatening to take action would get her butt off the couch in the long term. It might only scare her for a few days, though. I would definitly call social services immediatly. Why wait till your kid gets sick?

glowingsun said:
I highly doubt that threatening to take action would get her butt off the couch in the long term. It might only scare her for a few days, though. I would definitly call social services immediatly. Why wait till your kid gets sick?

I agree there, sounds as though it would go straight over her head and that she'll just carry on as 'normal'.

Someone who I used to be friends with in school has become much the same way as this but she was like it before she had kids and it went from bad to worse. Almost like she didn't realise what her and her family are living in. The house was already owned by her husband when she met him and he had kept it immaculate, however when she moved in (and his family have repeatedly expressed their concerns to him) things gradually turned bad in there (literally). Over a decade down the line and the poor guy is in a state of depression, working all the hours God sends while she sits on her backside all day in a very messy house. At one point he had to cook dinner for them all when he got back in from work (don't know if this has changed but I doubt it)- this woman hasn't worked any hours as an employee for over a decade but all 3 of their children are in full-time school and the youngest is 8. The kids are growing up to have zero respect for their surroundings and health, but they dote on their Dad which is good. She screams at them more often than not. He wanted to leave her last year but she threatened to stop him seeing the kids- and in his desperation he stayed and she's pregnant again. His family told him he would get custody as they would all stand behind him, he is a wonderful dad and it saddens me to think that he's not getting the recognition he deserves and that he feels he has to put up with it... if anything it'll make his depression worse.

I really would do something about it now, nip it in the bud for both your son's and your own sake. Your ex needs to get a reality check and I believe this is the only way she'll get it.

Fingers crossed for you

Lou x

Just take a look at the "How clean is your house" programme to see the disgusting way some people live. I finf=d it hard to believe they would think it in any way normal or acceptable.

As others have said, please don't let illness be the reason to do something - kids can't afford to live like that.

Hope you're on the road to sorting things out.

i am not a clean freak... in fact, i am rather lazy, but if something needs to be done, i do it. my house is fairly tidy. its not spotless, but i do my best with a 20 month old cyclone running around undoing the housework! you need to do something about it. as a father, although you dont have sole custody, you need to do ur bit to make sure your son stays safe and healthy.

i believe you will do the right thing, and i know it is hard to make a fire under your ex. you need to put your son's health before her feelings.

we all support you in this, whatever your decisions may be.

what i cant believe if your asking this on here and have not done it already!!
if my child lived with my partner and he lived like that i wouldnt be taking him back and would call social services to tell them that myself.

you wonder if he'll get ill??? how about how come hes managed to not get ill yet!!
ring social services but dont wait for them to sort it out you keep him with you and inform them youve done that. provided you have joint custody there shouldnt be any problem law wise with you doing this esp as the childs life is potentially in danger.
its situiations like this that results in the stories of dead children on the news.
sort it out now

How old is your son??

That's true!