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I need some advice

Danielle82Danielle82
posted 9 years 8 months ago
Hi im still new to this site so really would appreciste your views and any advice you can give.
I have a 13 month old baby and a boyfriend of just over 4 years. Things have been really srtained lately and it has felt more like me and my partner our friends rather than in a relationship.
Anyway when he was out I checked his emails, I know that was stupid but I have had a really horrible gut feeling for a while.

Anyway I found some emails that were sent to a 17 year old girl that works in his office and although there was nothing sexual or suggestive there were messages like

" Sorry I couldnt reply straight away but Danielle(me) was sat next to me so I had to delete the message quickly" and she replied
"oh Im so sorry just bored at work"

He said "Thats ok just dont think she would be best please but then if she does say anything I can just say we are colleagues"

I spoke to him about it and he said there was nothing in it that they are just stupid flirty emails but she is 17 he is 29 and we are supposed to be a family.
I really dont know what to think


GTTkelGTTkel
posted 9 years 8 months ago
Maybe there is nothing in it and he is just worried you'll take it the wrong way, I think when we are at home with the children all the time it can feel strange that our men are stil out meeting people every day (especially other women) even though it can be perfectly innocent. I'd say that at 17 this girl possibly doesn't understand the importance of your family life with a child and how serious your relationship is. Your man could just be having a light-hearted flirt to make himself feel like a man; and let's face it if a younger guy we worked with wanted to be friends with us we'd probably quite like it.

However if you really do think something could be going further than friends you have a right to know. I think with these sort of things we know deep down if it's innocent or not; and don't forget even if it is innocent doesn't mean we don't get jealous. Hope it works out.

mum2popsnjakmum2popsnjak
posted 9 years 8 months ago
Hi hun, I hope you don't mind me saying this, but it sounds like these problems run deeper than just these e-mails you have already found and read. There is obviously a trust issue going on if you felt the need to search his e-mails in the 1st place hun. I think we have all been guilty of being a bit jealous at times but this can go against us and push the person we are accusing of doing things away. It sounds to me like you need to have a real 'heart to heart' and let your OH know exactly how you are (have been) feeling. Is it your feelings that have changed towards your OH to make him feel more like a friend or do you feel that he isn't treating you the same as he did and therefor fear maybe his feelings towards you have changed? I know it is scary to ask if this is the case but it is always better to know where you stand than to struggle on not knowing where the relationship is going? As for the e-mails, they do aound a bit incriminating but as kelly said it could just be a harmless flirt? Although i think he may be getting in to hot water flirting with a 17yr old as even if it is all innocent from his point of view, i'm not sure a 17yr old wouldn't have maybe read a bit more into it? I know it is hard, but at the end of the day you will have to choose to either believe him and learn to trust again and move on or decide that you can't deal with the possibility he is lying and move on a different path. Obviously as you have a child together you will always be in each others life, just maybe not as a couple? I hope yu manage to get this sorted and get to the bottom of it. Good luck hun. Hug Hug Hug Xx

kristagkristag
posted 9 years 8 months ago
Hi hun.

Well, I'm afraid I have the horrible cynical view of this.

The only time I ever checked on a boyfriends email/phone (something I had never done in my life before or could imagine doing again) it was gut instinct that said something was wrong and it was Sad He was always edgy being on the laptop at home and would never sit next to me 'working'. He didn't like answering his phone if I was around. It didn't take much to put 2 and 2 together! With his laptop, he put a password on it which enabled after about 5 seconds - suspicious enough activity. Unfortunately for him, I'm was in IT security and it really wasn't hard to obtain his password and access his email when he went out. Fortunately we didn't have children and I confronted him to be met with a pack of lies about the flirting with a girl at work and gave him the push.

I am not really sure I understand the term harmless 'flirting'. To me, if you're flirting with someone, you are giving them signals that you are interested and would like more. Otherwise surely you are purely friends and friends don't hide each other away from other halves. Again, maybe it's just me.

Do you think that something has gone missing from your lives now you have a child together? It sounds like you are happy and content with family life but maybe he isn't.

I honestly do hope you can work it out for both of your sakes and for that of your little one and wish you all the best for doing so Hug Hope you don't think I'm an old meanie - I'm not, honest Smile

Danielle82Danielle82
posted 9 years 8 months ago
Thanks for your help, My feelings towards him havent changed just find it difficult I spose as he doesnt make me feel attractive or special so its hard to do the same with him.

I truely dont believe anything has happened between them, what im worried about though is would something have happened if I hadnt of found out. I know I shouldnt of looked at his emails but Im sure you all know how it feels when you get a feeling that just wont go away.

Also what worries me is the fact that she continued emailing him knowing he has a family and the fact that it was all hidden from me and he said that to her.

I wouldnt of minded them talking if hadnt of been made into this secret, sorry if Im not explaining myself very well, Another message also said that she was the prettiest girl in the office.

I dont see how if he feels he is getting attention at home than its right to give some 17 year old attention especially as it seem she is interested in him too
xx

manicmummanicmum
posted 9 years 8 months ago
Hi there, I really don't want to make you worry more, but I've been in this position many years ago, except i was in your boyfriend's position, covering up emails etc.
I was covering up something a lot deeper than just being colleagues. Saying that I know nothing about your boyfriend and his relationships with work colleagues, so it may be legit.
If you trust him, then go with your instinct but if there is any element of doubt in your mind that he is being untruthful, then you must follow your instincts with that too.
Sorry to be so pesamistic, but I don't beleive in wrapping problems up in cotton wool. I hope you decide you can trust your boyfriend.xx

Danielle82Danielle82
posted 9 years 8 months ago
Hey,
There is so much doubt in my mind and I just cant seem to stop thinking about it, and I find myself still wanting to keep asking him if he has heard anymore from him.

You see he sent her an email, while I was there (which I never told him to do he said he wanted to)telling her that he had spoken to me about them and that the last thing he would want to do is hurt his family so from now on they can only communicate on work matters only.

she replied saying thats fine, no probs, but you see I cant have any trust in him the fact that Im still doubting that that all wasnt for my benefit and that they are continuing with what ever was going on between them.

I want my family to be together more than anything but I feel like the trust has gone as this isnt the first time something has happened. I feel like im making myself ill with the worrying
xx

Kelly_CaitKelly_Cait
posted 9 years 8 months ago
I know its hard not to look. I did it with my ex and accused him of stuff which I wish I never as we just argued and split up and he hasn't done anything with anyone else and we broke up in Jan!We are still good mates.

I know they know each other but at work I don't see the harm in a lil flirt even if it something cheeky thats said because I wouldn't do owt with a work colleague. Just makes you feel better. Maybe you should do something umm Naughty and see what he does. Maybe just spice things up having a kid does put a downer on your sex life and maybe he just needs some attention and feel like a bloke. 4 years is a long time and shouldn't be thrown away because of a 17 year old. Hope it all works out, don't doubt him because it will lend him to doing it because he will think fcuk it because you don't trust him just try getting your relationship back on track..

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