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Advice Needed Re Parenting Style

anxiousdadanxiousdad
posted 9 years 4 months ago
Hi All

Am looking for some advice of possible as I at my wits end.

All advice will be very much appreciated.

My wife and I have 2 kids, one nearly 3 and the other 9 months.

Since the arrival of our 9 months old my wife spends much of her time with the baby, understandably so but I feel to the exclusion of our other child and myself at times. I am not an old style father, I have a very active role in my children and I am really concerened that this is about my wife and not the baby.

For her part she says it is quiet natural to spend all the time with the 9 month old to the exclusion of our son and myself as this is a "mothers instinct" and it's a proven researched fact that all others are excluded. Also that I wouldn't appreciate this because obviously I am a man,

I personally do not agree with this as I am concerned that our son will identify his sister and mother as a unit rather all of us in one family unit.

All replies most welcome.

D


hapydazyhapydazy Moderator
posted 9 years 4 months ago
It sounds to me like it goes deeper than her just doing the "normal" thing of spending all of her time with the younger child.... that's not normal in my opinion and I think it will cause resentment from the older childer to the baby and to your wife.

Has the marriage been rocky? could it be that she's avoiding the rest of the family because she's not happy? Not trying to sound nosy but just trying to dig deeper to see if there's an underlying reason why she's been spending her time only with the baby?? Could it possibly be PND? (post natal depression)...

Maybe you could look online or in some parenting magazines to find an article about the importance of spending quality time with all children, especially when a new baby is involved?? Present that to her in a non-defensive way and see if you can get more communication together after she reads it??

I wish you luck with this situation, it's not a nice one to be in No Hug

LucyLucy
posted 9 years 4 months ago
id say she was frightened to let anyone else in, shes maybe suffering with PND and this is making her shut everyone out.

I was the same way with my daughter and it made her have seperation anxiety when she was a little older, its only now that shes older she appreciates we all need our space.

For her to separate herself from everyone sounds like shes dealing with a new baby but cant deal with the 2 children together.

She should have some time with your other child and make time for him when the baby is sleeping this will bring them together and this must be hard for him as he had his mummy all to himself for 2 years then whallop theres a baby.

This may cause him some jelousy issues and start him to behave bady. Id speak to your wife and see if you can get her to open up and be more interactive with your other child.

Maybe some mummy and daddy time would be nice and get a babysitter in and maybe to take her out and talk about it over a nice meal and a glass of wine.

Hope you manage to sort this out and if all fails go see a counsellor Hug

SamuelSamuel
posted 9 years 4 months ago
With a baby you have to give up some time with the older ones, but not all the time you have. We always make sure Mike's and Jamie get alone time with both of us, at first though it is easy to give the baby lots of time and attention, before realising the boys havn't had any time with us.

Do you look after the baby on your own so your wife can spend time with your son?

GTTkelGTTkel
posted 9 years 4 months ago
I was the opposite when I had my second, I was always trying to involve my eldest and my hubby and insisting we do stuff together. I was so afraid of my older one feeling pushed out that at certain times I would sit and read with her or carry out things we'd planned even if it meant the baby was left to cry for a few minutes because I wanted her to know she wasn't always going to come second to the baby.

anxiousdadanxiousdad
posted 9 years 4 months ago
Thanks for the advice so far.


It was only when I started to question and try new ways such as trying to get my wife to express milk so that we could swap roles which would give her time to spend with our son and also so that we could get out for a drink or meal and so she could get a break away from the baby is when she got really defensive and in no way wanted to express and even denied that we had the conversations and is now saying that she doesn't remeber those conversations because of "baby brain". She sees expressing as a chore and got quiet nasty about the suggestion.

There is also an issue re co-sleeping which I do not agree with in general but I have the added complication of heavy medication which I was taking for a number of months after surgery and every morning I woke up and the baby was in the bed even after we discussed how serious it was having a baby in the bed with a parent on medication, it was only the other day when I brought it to her attention when I brought home a leaflet from the health centre re SIDS that she took any notice.

My wife researches everything to death and the only way she will listen to me is if I counter research and disprove what she is say. Very tiresome and wearying.

I do take the baby for walks to give her a break and when our first son was born I took 12 weeks off work as my wife wasn't used to babies and I was, after the 12 weeks I went back to work part time and minded our son and my wife went back full time.

I do think that maybe coping with two children maybe the crux of the problem although she would never admit this and I am in doubt then as to whether it is or isnt the problem.

Thank you all so far you have been very helpful.

D

LihraLihra
posted 9 years 4 months ago
it sounds like PND. Could you possibly speak to the health visitor without your wife to share your thoughts then she could maybe talk to your wife about it as seeming to be a routine thing.

Generally women with PND dont realise it, the thjought usualy is noticed by a partner, realitive or friend and health visitors suggest that if a behaviour hab it is worrying you that you should speak to them

mum2popsnjakmum2popsnjak
posted 9 years 4 months ago
from what you have said this does sound like it goes a lot deeper than just protecting her youngest child. I would also suggest it could be post natal depression? It may even have started after the birth of you 1st child? Or perhaps as you took a lot of responsibility for the 1st child she felt a bit pushed out? Maybe she wants to prove to herself that she is capable of looking after a baby on her own and therefor is excluding you and your eldest child to prove this point (unitentionally ofcourse) i'm sure she is probpably unaware of how much she is excluding you both and probably feels you are exagerating the issue? I would maybe have a word with your wifes HV or GP and see what they would suggest doing? Xx

candgsmumcandgsmum
posted 9 years 4 months ago
I would say that maybe there's an underlying issue here. Whether PND or something else, she needs to open up to someone.

When my second was born I was very down too, but more because I was surprised how hard it was to cope with 2, although I hope I never favoured one above the other. I always tried my best to make sure they both got equal attention, and tbh I didn't feel it was natural to just push out my first, to make way for the baby.

Did she have any difficulty that you know of bonding with your first? I know it sounds odd, but maybe she didn't bond the same with the first and when number two came along, she's experienced some emotions/feelings she didn't before and its confused her...maybe to the extent she feels she hasn't done something right the first time?

Hope you can get to the bottom of it x

anxiousdadanxiousdad
posted 9 years 4 months ago
Just a note to say thank you for all your replies.

It is greatly appreciated.

D

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