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confused....i'm in need of advice

posted 1 decade 5 years ago
Hi everyone
i just joined to get some feedback to what i'm doing wrong and hopefully make some friends along the way.
my story...
me and the wife seperated 20 months ago.We had been together 17 years,married the last 5 and have 3 adorable children.During our time together none of my family went without endless love and materialistic things.
During the last year together,the wife was diagnosed as being depressed and had sessions of counselling where she was told it was me who was the cause.Life got intolerable with her constant ways of provoking arguments that she told me to leave.Thinking it would help her and not upset the children i left to stay at a friends.
I since learned that she had an affair 6 months earlier.
In our time away from each other,we are in contact most of the time but it is times like this where the silence is deafening that it really hurts.
I have continued to support her and the kids as well as paying maintaince direct from my wages as i hate seeing the life they are living.
Last month i was taking my 2 girls away to greece and offered for her to come to which she duly obliged.2 weeks up to the holiday she was in constant contact with me and although she streesed there was nothing in it,we had a lovely time.
Its now been 3 weeks since we have been back and have hardly heard from her at all.She is seeing someone else i have been told.
I have wrote her a heart-felt letter of my feelings to which i have had no comeback to,only my youngest saying to me that she had read it-along with her mum and brother!

I know people will say move on and forget her but i am still in love with my wife and miss her so much.

Thanks for reading this and any comments are gratefully recieved.

posted 1 decade 5 years ago
i would say move on as she clearly has, shes obviously remaining on good terms for the sake of the children.

I fear that you my be setting yourself for a disappointment and that you will yourself get depressed.

Its hard to hear i know and i would suggest that you keep the relationship to a friendly basis nothing more as seeing her any other way would fuel any feelings you still have, maybe the holiday was not the best idea and although im no expert i would assume that you thought that there was a future for your relationship.

I myself am happily married but have friends who have a good relationship with ex partners and ones that have not so good realationships, but for the children to see that Mum and Dad dont get on will make things hard for them.

Good luck with whatever you decide and I hope that you can come to some sort of arrangement to suit you both.

posted 1 decade 5 years ago
I'm sorry that your feeling like this.

I think maybe you need to keep the relationship to a friend level as Lucy suggested. It must be very hard to be told that someone no longer loves you, even though you still love them.

posted 1 decade 5 years ago
Sounds very similar to how I have been feeling. My wife left me last year taking our three kids with her. I am sure that I still love her but know that my initial behaviour of not wanting to let go and constantly trying to get things working again made it harder for all concerned.

I'm trying to get on with my life as I have no real friends (other than the people I talk to on here) and work makes socialising or planning anything much extremely difficult. However I have started to do things for myself and what will be will be.

If anything is going to happen for your relationship to get back on track the only way it will possibly work is if she initiates it. Otherwise keep it cival between the two of you for the sake of the kids, and do your best to try and move on. If you keep trying it will only make it harder for you, and probably make her more stubborn about considering coming back.

As long as you are having regular, quality contact with the kids then it is time to think about yourself and try to make yourself happy. The kids will be happier if they can see that you are happy.

Time and space are the only two things that will provide any remote chance of things changing, but as she has seen more than one different person during this time I wouldn't pin my hopes on it if I was you. Sorry for the pessimism.

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