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How can I help Willem want to talk to his mom?

posted 1 decade 5 years ago
A year or two ago Willem decided to stop talking with his mom whenever she calls to talk to him and his siblings. If he had his way he wouldn't even go to her place during her visitation. He really doesn't want to do anything with her that is how damaged their relationship is.

From what I can see and what he has told me it comes down to how he has been treated by her. Of all our children he is the one that got the brunt of his mothers temper and her ways. So he has reacted this way while his other 3 siblings are still happy to talk with her on the phone and go to her house to visit her.

I have spoken with him often that he needs to talk with his mom when she calls but he still will not. She continues to do things to make him feel she treats him unfairly so he is constantly reminded of why he doesn't want to go to her place nor to talk with her.

Is there a way I can help him find a different way to cope than to simply not talk to her when not with her? And at the same time to keep her negative words from affecting him in a negative way? Up to now I haven't tried to hard to get him to talk with her because he doesn't need her negative words just like I didn't need them. I do talk with her but keep my conversations as short as possible and I do my best to be polite.

AlexAlex Moderator
posted 1 decade 5 years ago
Oh this is a toughie!!

I really don't have any ideas.

You could get him to write a diary/book to express his feelings rather than verbally communicating them and then you would know how he REALLY feels and you could take it from his lead.

Family mediation?

See told you I didnt have any ideas. Hope things improve for you.

posted 1 decade 5 years ago
Last edited by soup 1 decade 5 years ago
maybe he could write letters to her (that dont get sent)

i bet it would help to get all that anger and upset out on paper, the letters will probably start very angry and after a while a range of other emotions will filter through

its possible that after all the anger is out he will want to speak to his mum having resolved the anger inside himself, or maybe the letters could be shown to the mother at a later date so she see what an impact she had on him, maybe she could write a letter back apologising and they could start a pen pal relationship leading up to forgiveness

posted 1 decade 5 years ago
I gave him a journal once and I know he has written in it some.

I will suggest he write letters and see if he will write them even though his mom will never see them and see if that will help him.

posted 1 decade 5 years ago
Yep, i agree with soup, i think it is a fantastic idea to get him to write 'letters' to his mother to help get his feelings out. It does sound as if he is very angry with his mother and it can't be good for him to have all that anger towards her inside himself. After writing the letters, when he has lost some of the real bitterness he may be prompted to talk to his mother off his own back? I think you have done the right thing in not making him speak to his mother, as if she is saying things that only upset him more it isn't going to help anybody and i'm sure he will talk to her when he feels ready. As long as you keep your feelings neutral towards her in front of the children he will know it is fine for him to have a relationship with his mother if that is what he decides. Maybe some of it is he doesn't want to feel he is pushing you aside by having a good time talking too or being with his mother as you are bringing him up. Sometimes as children grow up in a one parent family they feel a sense of loyalty to the parent bringing them up and don't want to feel they are leting them down by enjoying themselves with the other parent? xx

posted 1 decade 5 years ago
Is he of school age?? Can you talk this through with an Ed Pshyc?? I feel that talking to his Mum at the moment will not help esp if she is being very negative but a third party who is not involved Suspect

posted 1 decade 5 years ago
- My blog
my views on this is let him do what he wants. if he doesnt want to see her then he doesnt have too. hes obviously been hurt bad by her and is still hurting. i think he needs to do it in his own time.

sorry if ive upset but hes almost a teen and i think can make up his own mind. a journal/letters sound a good idea

posted 1 decade 5 years ago

staceyb said:
my views on this is let him do what he wants. if he doesnt want to see her then he doesnt have too. hes obviously been hurt bad by her and is still hurting. i think he needs to do it in his own time.

That was my initial thought too - but then you may be getting in the neck as well for not 'making him'

posted 1 decade 5 years ago
Thanks for all your thoughts! And if you have any more keep them coming.

Yes he is almost a teen and does know a lot of what he wants. Unfortunately, the court order sets up the visitation which I follow too ensure his mom can't do anything legally to change custody. She has already tried to get custody changed once since I was granted custody. So he does go to his mom's. Thankfully the court order does not say I must force him to talk with her when she calls.

I am going to talk to the schools counselor once school starts on the 2nd of Sept. He is in special education for the emotionally disturbed and so has been getting extra attention and help during the school year. He is mostly out of special education so he has made a lot of improvement in many areas.

I simply see his refusal to talk to her as an indication there is still something that he needs to resolve in order to make more progress and I just want to see if there is more I can do to help him resolve this anger and other feelings.

He is with his mom this week and next since visitation during the summer is 2 weeks with mom, 2 weeks with me, and we just keep rotating all summer long. So this gives me 2 weeks to get ideas on what may work the best to help him and to plan how best to implement the ideas I choose to use. I am working on how best to help him see that writing a letter that will never get sent may help him and ask him to give it a try.

posted 1 decade 5 years ago
The letters sound a good idea, you have too remember he is almost a teen and with him going through puberty or about too, its going to be a tough time, and will have more of an impact with his relationship with his mum. I have a 12 year old and sometimes it had to talk to him.

You should really speak to you ex wife about this really she really needs to keep the lines of communication open with him how ever small and work on that. Your ex wife is going to have to put the effort into this relationship if it going to be more positive.

At the end of the day his 12 years old and will speak to his mum when he is ready.

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