Barenziah
Im new to this site and joined up cuz im lookin for support and this looked great, i will keep this as brief as possible, i love in Germany but i dunno for how long, im 15 weeks pregnant with twins which werent planned and my BFs mum is doin my head in, there are other probs of course but this is jus making me wanna throw the towel in finally,she cant speak much English but i cant German either,fair enough, when in Rome n all that,she was always for me harder to deal with than my past exs but i put that down to jus the differences,but since becoming pregnant its like they have taken any fun out of it, i smoke, and i KNOW that its bad, i beat myself up daily,and try to cut down as much as possible, but it kinda came to a head for me when we were there last weekend for a break, i went down to breakfast and after saying morning ect his dad starts pointing at the ashtray and saying in his best English "ohh you shouldnt smoke, its bad" directing my glance at the ashtray which my BF happily controbuted to, i smile or w/e and then his mum starts talking about how i need to cut down and try harder even tho this has been such a head trip so far,after she starts talking about cot death and making guilty overtures i made my excuses and left to get my BF up,now i KNOW its bad, i feel like a terrible mother doin it,but im finding it soo hard to stop and having no support makes every harder too but i know i have to pull my finger out,my BF is having a spliff in the bathroom when i find him and i jus start to cry telling him how bad i feel, this sint the first time i have and they have made me feel bad and not jus for smoking,then we start arguing and his mum comes up and totally gets involved, to the point she physically wouldnt let me leave the room cuz guess what i wanted a cig to calm down, they know ive had a tough life but think i runaway too much so think they have the right to stop me, im in tears while they talk in german and i know nothin,i was sooo cross i wanted to throw her outta the way, i was in care and i do not apricate anyone forcing me to do anything, im 23 for christs sake, anyway, in the end its all about how im not helping myself and how im such a bad person yadda, i have depression but the way they act the treat me litrally like im making it up, they said that i love attention and get it anyway i can cuz some crap about how my mum used to beat me up, which is BS, and not cuz i dont like what they are saying, i pride myself on the fact that if somone says im inthe wrong i do genuinly concider it as i beleive that the only way to improve oneself is to listen to those you trust, but i dont trust them, anyways she calls most days anyway, she puts soo much pressure on my BF to do things and since they pay for a large part of the rent i feel like he is under their thumb,i figure help is great but when its asked for, "the road to ruin is paved with good intentions" i think and its soo this case, shes a great person, caring ect but its not worth this stress, my BF is a total weakling over it and we argue soo bad about it cuz he thinks i hate her i think which i dont i jus cant deal with being treated like A, im crazy,B im a crack head for smoking C,he wont understand why i feel shes too much, one time we had the phone off for 3 days cuz of batteries and she called 3 people to come check, 2 rang the door saying shed asked them too, im really sorry this is long but i jus needed to rant, am i crazy? am i as my BF says "making a elephant out of a mosquito"? i really wanna know, so please anyone who responds, be honest, i can take it, s**t it cant be worse than whats been said so, thanks for reading, any advice would be great as im soo thinking of going home, this is the last straw for me.
Barenziah XOXOX
