**UPDATE**advice desperately needed please

izzys dad hasnt had any contact with me for 10 weeks about izzy and he text me last week asking when he could have her next i didnt text him back and he text me again this weekend asking when he can next have her i said i dont know and he text back going its been 10 weeks i want to see her and i really dont know what to do, he hasnt paid any maintenance for her since dec except for £20 he sent me this week (i think to try and soften me back up as i told him mum i didnt think he wanted involved anymore but i dont really want him to take izzy away for a week as we have gotton quite close and i dont think itll be fair on her. how do i tell him i only want him to see her for a few hours at a time and rebuild a relationship with her and for me to feel comfortable with him having her again without it causing an argument as he lives 160miles away from me in staffordshire? do you think im doing the right thing or not by telling him no and that i should just keep giving him chance after chance after chance as thats what i have been doing recently, the other week her aunt and uncle came round to take her out for a couple of hours in the afternoon and it took me 45mins to calm her down as she was screaming and hanging onto me really tightly and shes never been like that with them before shes normally all over them..

please help i really dont know what to do

Hun, I've been met with dilemas kind of like this with Aaralyn's father. As much as he frustrates me sometimes and makes me feel he doesn't deserve her in his life, she is his daughter and even if he isn't the most pro-active dad, she loves and adores him and I know he loves her... as long as that continues I will always make the effort that I need to to ensure they can maintain some kind of relationship as hard as it can be now that he's not even calling her atleast once a week (more to avoid conversation with me which is ridiculous ), even with all that, I can't remove her from his life unless he or she flat out told me they didnt want to be involved with each other...

I guess with all that, my advise is to not let your frustrations with his lacking abilities as a dad prevent Izzie from having time with him. That's only my humble opinion, and without knowing Izzie's dad or how he really feels about her, I could be way off with my opinion...

Big hugs hun!

Obviously never being in this sitation hun, I'm not sure my advice is right, but, he has asked to see her and asked again so maybe it's best to let him see her.

At the end of the day he is izzy's dad and she can make up her mind, whether to see him or not, when she's a bit older and understands the situation

im thinking of talking to his mum and discussing with her the best way to talk to him as he doesnt like not getting what he wants when he wants it he kicks up a huge stink and always ends up in a fight.

but basically im thinking that he has to meet up with me and izzy on my terms and rebuild a relationship with her and regain my trust with him having her by himself, so say we meet up for the day and go to the zoo or the park or something so he spends time with her but im present too and then work to him having her for a weekend and then back upto his week at time but it going to take time to rebuild my trust in him with her.

does that sound fair?

That sounds very fair to me

I know what you mean about the huge stink... can't seem to talk to Aaralyn's father with out it turning into an argument lately either... it frustrates me cuz he's got it soooooo easy with me as his kid's mom, he gets away with doing so much less than if I were someone else I think and he still finds a way to try and make me feel like I'm expecting too much from him... GRRRRRRR!!! he hasn't a clue....

sorry, I didn't mean to go off on a vent in your post hun

Yes it does hun. I think that is a good idea

ellee1984 said:
im thinking of talking to his mum and discussing with her the best way to talk to him as he doesnt like not getting what he wants when he wants it he kicks up a huge stink and always ends up in a fight.

but basically im thinking that he has to meet up with me and izzy on my terms and rebuild a relationship with her and regain my trust with him having her by himself, so say we meet up for the day and go to the zoo or the park or something so he spends time with her but im present too and then work to him having her for a weekend and then back upto his week at time but it going to take time to rebuild my trust in him with her.

does that sound fair?

Sounds very fair -160 miles is a long way away if she gets upset - maybe then he'll think twice before leaving it so long next time

tbh i realy think this will be his last chance, even his mum says hes an a** and that he pretty much given up all rights to be a father towards her and she wouldnt blame me if i stopped him seeing her as he hasnt paid maintenance or anything and that im izzys main carer and i know whats best for her and i assured her if i did stop access with her dad i wouldnt stop access with any other member of his family and that i would even get some form of care order out so izzy would go into her grandparents care when she goes up there.

she has kinda been through what i been through as her eldest isnt izzys dads full brother he has a different dad who walked out on her when she was about 8months pregnant so she had to do it alone until she met izzys grandad.

i even started to make a box called izzys dad box and in it are pics of him and me and him and him with izzy in an album and the ring that i got him when we got engaged.

Bless you i totally sympathise with your situation.

Its so easy to give advise and say what i would do, but when emotions are running wild its really hard.

I feel he should get to see her, and i feel your write about getting to know her for shorter spurts to start with!!!But at the same time £20 and 10 weeks with no contact what is that all about?

I do hope it gets better for you soon

x

just to update you all..

his parents spoke to him last night to which from a text i got from his mum i gather didnt go well the text said

"just to warn u tried to talk to **** about him seeing izzy as expecte he has blown his top swearing etc and stormed out so may try and contact u to have ago"

so obviously he not happy by my suggestion and i have no idea what or where to go from here. i think my suggestion was totally fair considering everything thats happened. to me this shows how self centered and stubborn he is that he only ever wants things doing his own way and if it dont happen he kicks up a stink and basically throws his toys out of him pram

i dont know where to take the situation now what else to suggest.

All I can suggest is to stick to your guns hun.

at least his parents see your point, shame he doesn't.