My other half's mum

Need to rant!

My partner and I have a great relationship. Aside from the fact that his mother is a menace! She moved into his house 5 years ago
and dictates his life (he's in his 40's). She started some carry on about what if him and I get married and I move in etc etc which was fine, I could understand that part, she's bound to have concerns. But now she's started talking very selfishly.

For example, she threw a fit because he is coming to a family wedding as my guest and she complained that he never takes her off on holiday. Erm, we're not swanning off round the globe, it's a few miles down the road, and it's a wedding, I'm his partner.

She's insisting that if he and I get married, he has to sell his house and buy two houses, one for her to live in and one for us to live in, or he can wait and pay the mortgage off,
then move in with me, because she doesn't want to share a house with me and my children! Why should he leave HIS house at
all? And she's said things like if we get married and he dies she won't inherit the house, because I'd get it. I'm not expecting
her to leave, I would never ask that but she has to remember that he is entitled to a life of his own.

His father passed away when he was young, and ever since, his mother and sister have relied very heavily upon him for everything. He put off having a life of his own and now he has
one, they can't stand it and are doing all they can to create problems. I used to think she and I got along but she obviously doesn't like me now that she realises her son and I
are very seriously thinking of our future together.

She uses emotional blackmail and fakes illnesses to get her way with him, and he can't see through it.

I've had enough. I love my partner very much and we are very happy, but I can't stomach her being so wicked, selfish and childish. She refuses to speak to me and he feels torn
between us both which isn't fair on him. We never argue, wee've had two bad patches in the course of our relationship, which have
both been caused by her twisting things to make me look like the bad guy.
I've done everything I can to try and appease her, but it's not ME specifically, she just does not want him to settle with any woman, as far as she is concerned, he is hers, very possesive woman.
HELP!!

i dont know how you have put up with it to be honest!

yes i understand she is his mother but when its a choice between a unhappy life ruled by her till she dies or him fineally telling her to back off and move on just like he would like to i know which i would choose!

have you spoken to him? if not then show him this post,so he can see your fellings. its like a volcano waiting to happen, yeh youve not opened your mouth just yet but one day your gonna burst - and then u will look the bad one.

i know iv been there! my MIL hated me (i think she still does!) but since we had our son, my fella clearly stated to her that we are his life and his future. it took a while but shes now realising that he aint gonna go running everytime she says so! thing is, we have just announced to her we are emigrating - she aint too pleased but whats it got do with her!! if she wasnt so pushy maybe he would still wanna bein the same town as her!

Hi Hayley

Well, I did keep my mouth shut but when she started telling him to wait till his mortgage was paid, I lost it. I told him that I am not prepared to hang around waiting for marriage until then. I told him he's not a child, he's a grown man in his forties, who needs to stand up to her, that his mother had no right to slate me as a person when I'd done nothing to deserve it and everything to please her. I told him I could handle it for now as although we do plan sharing the rest of our lives together we're not in a rush, and what if in 2 or 3 years we decide "Right this is the right time" - is she just going to stamp her feet and dig her heels in again? What about children, I have two, he has none but he loves mine and wants to have some of our own, being in his forties, we don't want to wait around till his mortgage is paid solely so she can live in a house he's bought and paid for.

But telling him didn't get me far, he is torn between us and he has told her that he has no intention of finishing with me but the thing is, with her living there he has to tolerate her moods, and she makes his life so miserable if they fall out. When they fell out over this, he rung her on his break at work to see if she was needing cigs brought back home, she screamed down the line and promptly hung up. I don't want to put him under any more pressure but can't stand it much longer! x

does she pay anything towards his house? to me it sounds like she is loving the life of owing nothing! its like one big holiday to her - now youve come along and started to make her son see reality - she aint too impressed!

i know its hard to give the choice of the whole 'its me or ur mother' thing, but i think if it carries on someone is going to have to put their foot down.

you have said hes in his 40s now, and he has no children of his own! i presume its becuz all his other girlfriends couldnt stand the whole mother situation too!

if i was in your shoes hun - id be past caring what they think,and id have words myself.id tell them like it is and all you have said here - how he wants kids and at this rate for as long as she is on the scene,hes never gonna become a dad.i know theres no big rush but you gotta think of him being able to run round the park, be the fun dad that he could of been before now. my parents had me late (i have 2 sisters 12yrs older than me and a bro 16 yrs older) but my mum was 38 and my dad 42. i was bullied that my parents were 'old' people used to refer to them as my grandparents not my parents!! but i never cared, they were my mum and dad and i loved them no mateer how old they were. the only downside for me is that now my parents are in their 60s, iv got my first child who is just over 1. with them having me so late it scares me to think they aint gonna be round as long as 'normal' grandparents and theyre gonna miss out on my son growing up. that is the only thing that worries me.

the longer your fella leaves it,the more effect the child will have as it grows older.just give the MIL a good hard slap, pack all her belongings into binbags and throw her in a big pond!

I realise it must be hard as you don't want to give him an ultimatum incase it pushes him away or makes you look unreasonable, but realistically he IS going to have to make a choice in the end because I doubt she will ever change or back down. The longer he puts up with it the longer you are putting up with it and what if you carry on the next few years this way only to be greeted with the news that you still can not live together because of his mum? I hear how happy you are together and how it is purely his mum causing the problems but can you ask him out-right what is going to happen? If it's not the answer you want to hear atleast you'll know sooner rather than later. But hopefully it will open up a positive discussion which will give you good news and a positive future.

Hayley_Kev said:
does she pay anything towards his house? to me it sounds like she is loving the life of owing nothing! its like one big holiday to her - now youve come along and started to make her son see reality - she aint too impressed!

i know its hard to give the choice of the whole 'its me or ur mother' thing, but i think if it carries on someone is going to have to put their foot down.

you have said hes in his 40s now, and he has no children of his own! i presume its becuz all his other girlfriends couldnt stand the whole mother situation too!

if i was in your shoes hun - id be past caring what they think,and id have words myself.id tell them like it is and all you have said here - how he wants kids and at this rate for as long as she is on the scene,h)es never gonna become a dad.i know theres no big rush but you gotta think of him being able to run round the park, be the fun dad that he could of been before now. my parents had me late (i have 2 sisters 12yrs older than me and a bro 16 yrs older) but my mum was 38 and my dad 42. i was bullied that my parents were 'old' people used to refer to them as my grandparents not my parents!! but i never cared, they were my mum and dad and i loved them no mateer how old they were. the only downside for me is that now my parents are in their 60s, iv got my first child who is just over 1. with them having me so late it scares me to think they aint gonna be round as long as 'normal' grandparents and theyre gonna miss out on my son growing up. that is the only thing that worries me.

the longer your fella leaves it,the more effect the child will have as it grows older.just give the MIL a good hard slap, pack all her belongings into binbags and throw her in a big pond!

Hayley, you have to stop being so reserved and really share your feelings about things

With that said, Mad-mum, I have to agree with what Hayley says pretty much... no disrespect intended toward your partner's mother, but he does need to have a life of his own and make his own decisions.

Good luck with what ever the outcome is, I hope that it works out for you and him, it sounds like you guys have a great relationship otherwise (saw your post in the "how old... " thread, was very nice )

Keep coming around here to vent when ya need to... BTW, I'm Tammy, welcome to JP