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in a complete mess looking for advice...

posted 1 decade 6 years ago

i have 3 children all under 6yrs,they are running riot and i feel totally out of control iam also pregnant .

they dont seem to listen atall,constantly going against me.My husband is actually strict and he will smack them where as i prefer to take away privilages and time out in their room...neither are working as they wouldnt still be behaving the way they do.
constantly fighting and messing around winding eachother up and to an extent thats normal but it just seems non stop one always ends up crying .
they have a bedroom full of toys and dont really bother with them they rather do as mentioned above!
i love sitting down with them of an afternoon to do cutting and sticking and that kinda stuff but it turns into a war zone so its turning into a chore...getting up in the morning is like a chore because i hate whats ahead of me i must sound like a real horrible parent but thats just the way i feel at the moment.
My husband is always over ruling me when it comes to telling them off and i dont agree with the way he deals with the fully aware they need telling off and i dont disagree with smacking providing it works!!!but its not and nor is taking priviliages away/timeout!
when they are on their own they are the sweetest kids ever but together its just a nightmare and im failing as a parent.
i have spoken to the doctor about their behaviour and she just said stick with it they will get it in the end!!
i do have concerns that my eldest son (as he is so hyper and if im honest he seems to be the worst out of the 3 )has some kind of underlying problem as whilst i was pregnant we were told he had downes syndrome due to several markers found etc..well he doesnt have downs but his behaviour doesnt seem normal as such!
I have cut out all sweets /crisps and at the moment there are no treats atall as i dont believe this would help their behaviour .
i have tried doing star charts to encourage good behaviour and again this had no affect .
right now i feel totally run down and dont look forward to anything and i know i really need to get this sorted out..if im feeling like this then i cant imagine how they feel!
i feel im partly to blame as i moved a year ago and we have no family where we are and the kids only see their mates in school(the eldest 2) outside of school it feels like they have no life .its a very rural place and no outdoor/fun activities to do other than going for walks.
Come 7.30pm they have their bath and go to bed , some nights(most ) they are up til 11/12 just coming in and out of their room,half way through the night i wake up and they are all in my bed ...i just cant keep up with it .
im sorry for sounding miserable,but i have explained the best i can and im hoping lol that a super mam can advise me on where im going wrong any suggestions very welcome and greatly appreciated
many thanks

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
i know how u feel i got 3 and 1/2 yr old who doesnt sleep more than 2 hrs a night plus 12 yr old and moody teenager sorry not much help. Kiss Kiss

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
i think your main problem is how you and your partner have completely different rules of their upbringing which is totally confusing them! you say your partner is strict and smacks them - this causing the kids frustration and them seeing anger, then theres you - soft mummy who takes away our toys for a few hours but we know we get them back if we play up!

i think you and your fella need to have a serious talk about where he draws the line on his strictness and where you show a little more authority.the kids probably know they can run rings around you,and are probably pretty scared of dad! hence the way they act - its confusing them,and as we all know,a kid that doesnt understand can be a bit of a monster!

you and your fella have a chat and see how things end up - if the chat fails,show him this site and that you have typed out your feelings as you feel he doesnt listen! him reading our replies or seeing how this really does affect you may give him another frame of mind.

but please - dont say your failing as a mother,im sure your a fantastic mother - your kids just need one rule and one rule only, not the confusing of sneeking about with dad and gettin away with murder with mum.

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
I agree. You both need to approach the problem together. You both need to operate to the same set of rules, with both of you being equally strict, or they'll end up playing you off against each other and then your relationship will suffer.

If they are all going to bed at the same time, try and separate the bed times so that they aren't able to wind each other up when they are meant to be going to sleep.

If they feed off each others behaviour and you think it starts with the eldest then try to tackle the problem with the eldest first and then maybe it will filter down to the others. Also the eldest is the most likely to understand reasoning.

From what you wrote it sounds like you're a great mum. Good luck.

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
I can only agree with Hayley and Orc30. They have hit the nail on the head - although I think you already knew this from your post. Good luck hun Kiss

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
hiya all

well thanks for the posts...i cant disagree with any of them ... infact i agree the kids run rings round me and sort of behave when their dad is about ,i think i am going to look at maybe parenting classes or something as other than making one set of rules and one only i honestly dont know where to start .its a case of deciding whats going to work for us as a family !
has anyone ever been in a situation knowing what they need to correct/change but just dont know where to start ...thats how im finding it at the moment..i never thought parenting was this tough!lol
thanks very much again

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
hun i think if you and your partner cant reason with eachother - then this should be the first change.unless you and your partner can work together as a team, your kids will never learn to!

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
I don't have any magic advise for you but want you to know that you're not alone. I have been struggling latey and I've said to my husband a few times I feel like I'm not doing my job well enough and like you I dread certain days when I know the entire day will be a battle. It's not that my kids fight with each other but they just will not do as they are told and are constantly pushing. I've tried a reward chart with my oldest which worked for about 3 weeks then that was it. Like you I've taken away toys or denied trips out places when they've been naughty. I always give a warning first but they still carry on and then miss out. I've tried the firm hand approach-everything. I try to take each day as it comes and be positive but I always end up stressed and run down . The thing is everyone else seems to think my kids are brilliant and that I'm doing a really good job so when I try and explain how I feel people think I'm being hard on my kids and myself but behind closed doors I feel like I'm loosing it.
If you ever want to talk some more I'm sure we'll all be here to help and good luck with your pregnancy

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
HI Mammyto3 the way the kids behave is nothing to do with your ability as a parent you just need to find out what works for you and your kids.
x x

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
- My blog
HI Mammyto3
What a nightmare! It must be hard not to get lost in this battle Sad Face

I agree with what was said before. You and your partner have to be a strong team with one common goal in mind and with one strategy otherwise your kids will feel lost, too. In fact, they may just be reflecting the way the family is working right now: in chaos.

Have you spoken with your hubby yet? Did you tell him how you feel? If you consider parenting classes, is he willing to come with you? Or would this be your own doing? I don't think it makes sense to go to parenting classes alone.

All in all, I would suggest that you find a common punishment strategy (I know this sounds horrible but you know what I mean). I would be tempted to take away ALL their toys, everything from the little bear to the computer game and agree that they can have one toy back at a time when they prove to behave themselves. See how that works. But as I said before, it won't work without your husband.

One last thing: the feeling of being a failing mum is absolutely normal. Don't forget that we are all in the same situation and that we all feel the same and question ourselves all the time. After all, parents want to be rewarded for their hard work just as much as their children and we feel down when things aren't working the way they should. You are not loosing it! Things will get better but you have to talk with your husband and create a frame for your family life.

Oh, just another last thing (sorry for rambling on Wink ) I always find it helpful to just put them in their room and lock it if necessary as long as you get 10 minutes for yourself to calm yourself down and to take a breath. Distance can work really well if the situation is heated.

Let us know how things are going.

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
Tounge Out You are not a horrible parent!!!
Once you get yourself organised you definitely will find a way to take control of your kids and the house chores. If your hubby is out most of the while, don't hesitate to ask a bit of help, may be from a good friend or neighbour to babysit 1 or 2 of your kids, while you go out shopping with the third etc. Have you considered getting a nanny? or may be enrolling the elder kids in a play school? they would enjoy it there, and would also learn to be disciplined. Get in touch with and perhaps they could arrange for some childcare help.
If it's any consolation... your kids wont be "kids" for too long. Very happy so cheer up there!!!

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