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Do I have MUG or PUSH OVER tattooed on my forehead?

orc30orc30
posted 1 decade 3 months ago
Or maybe emotional crutch? And sorry as usual whenever I post something on here it is long and drawn out, but hopefully you'll understand better then.

My week started the way it normally does, that is I walked downstairs on Monday morning into my office, open up the computer, check my email and turn on my mobile. I get an email followed by a phone call expecting me to go to Holland. Sure enough Monday afternoon I am on a plane to Holland. Got the job done quickly and ended up coming back on Tuesday instead of Thursday (all bow to my superior talent. LOL!).

I then get a call from the wife (ex but we're still married) checking that I was going to be at home on Friday to have the kids Friday night through Sunday. Okay sounds good. Then I found out that her BF was coming down Thursday night, and would be spending all day Friday with my kids. Don't like it, not happy about it as the kids haven't really been told that mummy and daddy aren't together any more. But what can I do? Nothing!

Kids turn up Friday evening and in conversation with the two youngest I get the phrase "I can't talk about that". They had been told not to talk to me about things because of the BF being around. Apparently because it would make me sad, that was her excuse anyway. She's right but she shouldn't get the kids involved. Anyway it turns out that he came on Wednesday and not Thursday. EVEN LESS IMPRESSED NOW.

I had already got to the point, finally, where I was starting to think I have to plan for my future and make a life for me, instead of sitting on my preverbial waiting for her to come back. So this gave me that extra push.

Then this morning she turns up at 11:30 (not expecting to see her until the evening) in tears, looking for my support. Says she put him on the train this morning because she needs some space, and that she had been in tears since. Realises how she has mucked everything up, just accepted that her brother died 18 months ago, and tells me that she had driven down to the hotel where we got married (35 miles away) and just sat in the car park, before driving to my house.

So, being the big softy I am I took her in and looked after her. Ended up with her spending the day with me and the kids. Since she went home with the kids she's emailed me telling me she's sorry for the way things have turned out and that she is confused and needs to get her head straight.

Her friend lost her baby at 16 weeks last week, and now my ex is talking about how her feelings have changed about having another kid herself. She was positively against this for the last year or two. Also says she doesn't want a child by somebody different as she already has three children, two with me and one from before.

Help, what am I supposed to make of all this? Women are so god damned complicated. Just when I was getting my head straight, and conceivably thinking that if an opportunity presented itself I might consider taking it, I am now faced with this extra confusion. I know she's not saying she's coming back or anything but...!

I was actually considering moving back close to where I grew up, after Christmas. Somewhere I still have some friends, unlike where I am now. Somewhere I could potentially build a new life for myself, and find some happiness for me. I'm not even sure how I feel about her anymore after everything she has done without a care for my feelings.

Somebody say something!


AlexAlex Moderator
posted 1 decade 3 months ago
sounds to me like she is trying to have her cake and eat it (she wants you near by as a fall back plan)sorry if that sounds harsh but I went through a kinda similar situation with my ex (no-one else was involved in my situation but I can hear the conversations and they sound very much like what you have typed) I think you have to think about YOU and follow your plans through, which it sounds like you have really been thinking about.

Also I can see why you are so MAD about they BF and not talking thing. \the kids should not be involved nor feel like they have to hide things from Daddy. I would say something to her about it- you want your kids to talk to you and have the you can tell me anything relationship with them, which you cant if she is telling them to keep things from you.

Hope that makes sense babe and I havent waffled or said something you didnt want to hear. Hug

orc30orc30
posted 1 decade 3 months ago
No, kind of the reply I would expect most people to post. I think the same at the moment, she wants the benefit of me being nearby to do things for her or maybe just be the one she can fall back on if everything else goes tits up, as she thinks I'm just going to sit here and wait for her. To be fair that was probably the impression that I gave her to start with, but not so much now.

I spoke to her about the "don't talk to daddy about this" thing and she said she only did it to stop me getting upset.

Everything you wrote makes sense. My plans are not due to kick in until after Christmas, at which point I hope to be shot of several things that are currently in progress being my remortgage to get myself financially straight and also hopefully my dad's complicated estate will be well on the way to being resolved by then.

ellee1984ellee1984
posted 1 decade 3 months ago
i having similair problems with my ex aswell everytime i find someone new he begs for me back and the last time i went back we lasted less than 6 months before he dumped me saying i changed and turned into a b*tch.

my advice is u gotta do wat right u follow what your head and your heart is dyaing. if you still confused do a pro's and cons list about being with her and not being with her and see which has the stronger points. If you did get back could you trust her?

orc30orc30
posted 1 decade 3 months ago
The major pro is being back with my kids. This benefit kind of tips the scales a long way. The difference with being the man is that you seem to automatically lose the kids when something like this happens, even when its not my fault.

But trust would be a major issue, and the problem is that in the area where he lives (75 miles away) she has made other friends that she might wish to keep in touch with and go and visit. That would put a major strain on things, but I don't know what she would say or do if I told her she would have to give them up because I was worried what might happen if she was down there.

Anyway this is all hypothetical at the moment because she's not battering down the door trying to get me back, yet. LOL!

GTTkelGTTkel
posted 1 decade 3 months ago
Whatever you do don't fall back into bed and get her pregnant if she's now broody because based on the ups and downs you've told us about over the past few weeks it seems to me she could change her mind again just as quickly. It would make everything so messed up for you all. I understand you being excited at the possible prospect of being back with your kids of course, but I think she's being very unfair given that she's already with someone else. Then as soon as he doesn't fall in line with her she comes running back to you, basically because she knows you are a good guy and will be there for her.
IF there were ever a chance of you sorting things out I'd say she would have to be well shot of the other guy first so as she's not playing the two of you off against each other and also even then you need to be sure that she really wants YOU, not just that she wants SOMEONE if you see what I mean.
Good luck

orc30orc30
posted 1 decade 3 months ago

GTTkel said:
Whatever you do don't fall back into bed and get her pregnant if she's now broody because based on the ups and downs you've told us about over the past few weeks it seems to me she could change her mind again just as quickly. It would make everything so messed up for you all. I understand you being excited at the possible prospect of being back with your kids of course, but I think she's being very unfair given that she's already with someone else. Then as soon as he doesn't fall in line with her she comes running back to you, basically because she knows you are a good guy and will be there for her.
IF there were ever a chance of you sorting things out I'd say she would have to be well shot of the other guy first so as she's not playing the two of you off against each other and also even then you need to be sure that she really wants YOU, not just that she wants SOMEONE if you see what I mean.
Good luck


Firstly, there is no chance that I'm just jumping straight back into bed with her. I'm not even sure how I feel about her anymore.

Also, her and her BF are still together and as far as I know there are no issues between them.

There is no easy way for her to come back, and if I ever decided to give it a go I'd need to know that she is in it 100% and has not got something or someone else in the background. One way I might know this is if I did move back close to where I grew up, and then she came up there as well. That would be hard for her to do because she would be moving away from her dad (the only other person that has always been there for her) and also she would be moving nearer to my mum (something that she would find very difficult to face). She would have to work very hard to earn my trust back as well.

At the moment I plan to take the next 2 months as they come, living life for myself. Then in January if the situation is the same I will start putting actions in place to get myself moved and setup my new life where I want it.

GTTkelGTTkel
posted 1 decade 3 months ago
Good on you, obviously when you love someone there is always that underlying feeling that it's possible to get back together but of course you have to take care of yourself. As long as you end up happy and have your kids in your life other things will fall into place. It's still only been such a short time since you split and it's bound to be a mixture of emotions still. Take care

TigerRoseTigerRose
posted 1 decade 3 months ago
If she came back to cry on your shoulder again I would say your happy to be there as a friend for her but if she's really confused maybe having a boyfriend isn't a good idea, maybe she should spend some time alone and let you and your kids have a relationship where another man isn't an issue.

Keep your plans and see how the next few weeks go, it sounds like you had everything sorted until she came crying on your shoulder so don't let her change that.

Good luck!

orc30orc30
posted 1 decade 3 months ago
I think she may have come to that conclusion too. Not sure what she is going to do, but I know that she has signed herself up to go to Relate and talk to them, plus she is trying to go back and see her grief counsellor as well.

We'll have to wait and see what happens from here.

My plans are still there for me to look at actioning after Christmas. At the moment I am so busy with work, and other stuff to do with my late dad that I don't have time to go putting extra pressure on myself.

Thanks for the advice

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