Join JustParents to ask for advice and make new friends! It only takes 60 seconds. Join for free

**Just For Laughs - The Official JP Jokes Thread**

RichRich Moderator
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
Here you are girls and guys, any funnies you have can be added to this thread. Have fun, try and keep it clean, cover any swear words with a Angry icon. Now, whos first??


crazy_girlcrazy_girl
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Billy watches, and after a couple of minutes asks,"Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is where me and the mailman usually falls off!"

xxx

miarubymiaruby
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
- My blog
LMAO hehe loved that one crazy_girl! Very happy

erm let me think of some and I will post once I have one! Very happy

bunnigirlbunnigirl
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
LMAO crazy_girl that was a good one lol
xxx

barrybarry
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The
boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother
Saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He
would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin
turned to his younger brother and said, " Ryan , you be Jesus !"

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son
ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a
seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son
asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought
a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

A group of kindergarteners were trying very hard to become accustomed
to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
insisted on

NO baby talk!

"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.


"I took a ride on a choo choo."

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use
'Big People' words." She then asked little Alec what he had done.


"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great
pride, and said,








"Winnie the SH*T!"

Hayley_KevHayley_Kev
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.

These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

staceybstaceyb
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
- My blog
PMSL!!!! hayley thats fab lolol

crazy_girlcrazy_girl
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

funkychicfunkychic
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
A Plumber gets caught on Builders from hell sh....ging
house owners dog on CCTV. Woman sues him but judge dismisses case because he was Corgi registered.

bunnigirlbunnigirl
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
they are all brill LMAO
xxx

funkychicfunkychic
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
A Man is dining in a fancy restaruant and there is this gorgeous blond sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down but lacks the nerve to talk to her, suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man, he reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back.
Oh my i am so sorry the woman says as she pops her eye back in place, let me buy you dinner to make it up to you she says, they enjoy a wonderfull dinner together and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks they talk they laugh she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. He comes back to her house and in the morning they had a lovely breakfast. The guy says you know you are the perfect woman are you like this to all the men you meet, no she replies. Wait for it. its comeing. the suspense is killing you.



She says you just happened to catch my eye

claire-abbieclaire-abbie
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
A wife gets naked and asks her hubby 'Darling, what turns you on more? My pretty face, my pert breasts or my sexy body??'
Hubby looks her up and down, sniggers, and replies 'your f***ing sense of humour!!'

wisepeterwisepeter
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
Very happy This place is great! Very happy

WolfblassWolfblass
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
claireabby - that is hilarious!!!!! Very happy

Hayley_KevHayley_Kev
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
agree with the snowman sammie!! that is daft!!

but the chicken - it made me cry with lafter!! i couldnt tell kev for crying!!!

oh god im sad!!!

Hayley_KevHayley_Kev
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
sammie... u get worse!!! Razz

candgsmumcandgsmum
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
Great, the groan ones are always the best Very happy

RichRich Moderator
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted

last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


and this one

"I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
we lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. "Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway", "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled...
...so I told her to f***k off

And finally....

Two women are walking home after a girlie night out. They are very drunk and as the walk home is taking some time due to their state they find themselves desperate for a wee. At this moment they are passing a church and decide to relieve themselves
behind the headstones in the graveyard. As they finish, they both realize they have nothing to wipe themselves with. So the first women decides to use her knickers and throw them away. The second woman is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them, but then she notices a new grave nearby with lots of new fresh flowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquet with thick soft ribbon. 'just the job' she decides and without another thought duly pulls the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself. Their task is completed the women continue staggering home. Next morning, the husband of the first women phones the husband of the second-" we need to keep an eye on our wives, Mine came home with no knickers on last night!" You think you've got problems" explains the second husband. My wife came
home last night with a card stuck up her a*** that said, " we'll never forget you - from all the lads at the fire station"

candgsmumcandgsmum
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
That last one was a corker! haha!

staceybstaceyb
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
- My blog
ooooooooooh lololololol ok heres mine

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING
FOR WEEKS NOW'

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;

'FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN ELECTRICIANS LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

THE WIFE ASKS,

'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.'

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,

'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.'


FINE, SHE SAYS,

'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?' THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.'

'I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS', HE SAYS. 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WOODIES DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!! '

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

'HONEY', HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'

SHE SAID,

'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'


HE SAID,

'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?'


SHE REPLIED,

'HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

Join JustParents for free to reply

Search

Questions needing your answer

Latest Reviews