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Hellish bizarre event-long story-I really need advice

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
I’m writing here as this seems a serious forum about families and I don’t want cheap replies as there seem to be at some of the relationship forums I’ve glanced at. I hope also that people might give me insight on the perspective of my partner. My wife thinks I've lied but I haven't and I need advice and hope I can let off some of steam

A few days ago, my wife said she needed to talk about something serious. She said I knew what it was. I didn't. She then said it was something missing from her desk drawer. I have occasionally gone there as she keeps keys for part of the house there. Long ago I learnt that it isn't good to go prying anywhere and I don't. I do ẁhite' lies/minor lies (under the stress of everyday family life) but I draw the line a long long way away from this sort of thing. I have a certain morality (I confess I have claimed more from home insurance for a lost item but don’t such things with peers/fellow humans etc.). As she wouldn't tell me what it was (valuables I thought or past love letters!?!). I went to ask the kids if they'd taken anything (not something they've ever done - she thinks I did this as a charade and I hate it that she thinks I'm such a low-life to do that).

Anyway, a little later in the day, she told me that she'd been sent a copy of her aunt's will who'd died a few weeks back and it has gone missing. It was there on a Monday but by the Saturday it had gone. She was sure she'd put in the drawer, had taken it out once to read it and put it back. Sometime during that time she thinks I had found it (implying I look through her stuff regularly – there was no reason I would have expected her to have been sent the will as her brother is handling the paperwork), maybe wanted to copy it and not put it back by mistake. This was because, by chance, she had only realised it was missing on the Saturday because she had decided (unexpectedy for me she thinks as I was planning perhaps to put it back) to clean her room for the new music teaching term and decided to tidy her desk and this had caught me out! I said to her that if I had taken it and wanted to copy it (she was out on Friday night), I could have copied it in 2 seconds on my copier and would not have been so stupid not to put it back. But that cut no ice. She hadn't confronted me on the Sat. but left it to Mon. Hoping I would put it back or something and she thinks I was acting a bit strangely at several times. She has also lost the key to the desk and thinks that's me (she loses things fairly often whereas I'm a bit of an order freak). During the week when she had the document, she also thinks I was acting strange at times. We'd gone away biking for a couple of days and actaully, I was as happy as Larry most of it. Believe me, if I had felt annoyed about a will that I had disovered that she'd concealed a will from me, I would do more likely do a male a low-level sulk.

At this point, several days on, my wife thinks I’ve dug myself into a hole and can’t admit I took it, so when she is actaully looking for it, she is not looking, I reckon, in any great hope. She also thinks that I won’t attempt to secrete it somewhere in her stuff (as if she’d mislaid it) as she would know if she then found it, if it was in a possible place she had left it in. Maybe she thinks I’ve destroyed it.

I don’t think anyone else could have taken it as it was just a piece of paper in a velum envelope. My kids, 11 and 15 could not have and it would be worth nothing to anyone anyway. It was just a copy anyway but it’s what she thinks I’ve done that hurts her so deep.

Later that week, a pretty handkerchief of the aunt’s went missing while ironing and she thought I taken it to Censored up her mind. She went berserk, and said I was a total nut and needed help. Five minutes later it turned up under a towel. She apologised realising she’d done it, but as it had turned up straight away, this had no parallel to the missing will (for which she has searched for may hours – and she obviously thinks that I’m prepared to let her waste her time searching seeing that she thinks I took it – her estimation of me is going down and down).

At times, I’ve got very angry. She is not now saying much about it, but I have to keep on bringing it up as it’s unbearable thinking that she’ll have this diminished view of me – unfortunately the more I go on, the more she thinks I’m in denial and starting to believe my own fabricated story. I suppose from her side this is credible. I know even if she finds it, it might not be in a place that she thinks she could have put it, and in the hopeful situation that she does find it and remembers she could have put it there, it won’t end there for me. I feel as if I have been put through hell and would find it hard to forgive for this.

The will...... I am a bit of a money worrier I won't deny that, and don't spend freely everywhere. Oddly, 30 years ago, when my Dad died (I was 26 and not very good at expressing my feelings by crying – I was a silent griever), my sister (a tough cookie but basically a good person) accused me of hanging around just to see if there was any money due. She doesn't remember now ever saying that but I know how I felt and I never forgot it. I had discussed the aunt's house and possessions with my wife a few weeks back I was careful not to appear to concerned as my wife suspects I’m overinterested in money. I knew there was the house (not worth a lot) and didn’t expect anything else. I was not very interested in the subject at all and it was not my business. It sounded as if it was going to go 3 ways roughly between my wife and her two brothers. If we got some money, then it would be nice (even if someone doesn’t like profitting by a loved persons death – she was a good person). I had assumed it would actually go the aunt’s only relation, her brother (my wife’s dad – again a great guy who has been really generous with us). The family are all good, not money hunters and I hate the thought that they’ll hear this story about me. I think my wife mainly suspects that I was thinking she was keep the money herself (almost everything we own including savings we share equally).

The distrust issue. We were talking about trust about 5+ years ago, and I had declared that I would not lie to her about anything really important. I was at least being truthful that I could lie about little things). In a heated moment, she said that 20 years ago (from now), she had come home early from work (this gets ridiculous here but stay with me) and heard me having sex with a guy she knew! I’ve not engaged in homosexual sex and am not homo- or bisexual as far as I know. This was weird. This guy we used to see as part of group who did `co-counselling’ where you listen to each others problems, experiences, whatever. In brief (as it’s hard to describe), it’s not a culty thing, and I was at a stage in my life where I needed to open up my feelings. Counselling both ways with other `equals’ rather than professionals is a good idea in principle. One is encouraged to allow the person being counselled to allow all their feelings to come out. Laugh, cry, scream, sing, whatever. The guy was the leader of the group and very good at letting his feelings out. Whatever she heard, it was not us having sex! She then went to play the piano (!), heard the guy leave a bit later (she says she was not bothered if it had happened anyway but I should not lie that it had never happened). I didn’t counsel often at the time, was drifting away from it a bit ((it’s hard work!), and I don’t think I saw him after that. My wife’s accusation was bizarre. Every so often I bring her accusation up as I’m so annoyed that she thinks I lie. I said to my wife that if it had happenned then I’d wiped my brain of it (but this only got me deeper in shit as she saw this as a flimsy get out clause)

To cut things short, I decided to contact him by email (when the will thing happened) as I was desperate to prove my basic honesty. I described the accusation by my wife and said all I needed was an honest reply. I said that my knowledge was that it hadn’t happened, but had if I `wiped’ it from my brain, I needed to know. I wrote the email as objectively as possible. He replied, laughingly, that I could assure myself it had not happened. I thought this would cut some ice with my wife that if I was telling the truth here that it would help with the missing will. But no, she thinks I could have manipulated the emails!

What sort of person is my wife? She's not mad, though I'd say she temporarily goes `mad' especially with a drink or two, if we have a dispute. She is nearing the menopause. She's a very honest and good person, loves her kids, gives me I feel a harder time than I deserve at times, criticising me for things I do which I think she does herself (except when she does it, it's for a good reason!).At times, I feel she drives me mad but she can be very loving. I want to stay with her as I do love her. I trust her (perhaps I didn't so much in the past, but these days I do totally). Things recently have been relatively good, and she’s been talking, during our holidays about places she’d like to go to with me when the kids have left home so it can’t be that bad.

That’s basically it. Life is hell write now and I’m trapped. This thing happens in films, not for real. Any constructive advice will be appreciated. Crying

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
Well, with all that said, I think it sounds like your wife is having some serious insecurity issues maybe... maybe it's hormonal? Would she consider going to counceling with you, like marriage counseling to see if you can come up with why she is so misbelieving of you lately??

I don't know hun, sounds like a rough situation to be in... I do hope you can get it sorted with her... this is a great forum, so hopefully you will get some good advice here Suspect

good luck, BTW, I'm Tammy, live in the US with my daughter (4 yrs old) and my boyfriend... welcome to JP Smile

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
Great to get a reply so quick and know that someone can share the knowledge of my situation.

AlexAlex Moderator
posted 1 decade 6 years ago
Firstly welcome to JP ( Im sure you will get some support and advice here) If you need any other help just shout.

If she is nearing the menopause I would maybe recommend a trip to the GP- her hormones will be all over the place and she may need some HRT. I'm not making excuses for her behaviour because she sounds very insecure but this may be part of her problem ( hope I have worded that correctly for you) and like Hapydazy has already suggested maybe some counseling would help her talk through why she feels so insecure.

Sounds like life isnt much fun at home (and I understand what you mean about these things happen in the movies not in real life but thats another story)

I do hope you both get some help and get this problem sorted soon Kiss

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
Sounds like you're having a really hard time.
I would stick with it. My mum went a wee bit well um unpredictable during menopause and dad couldn't handle it (he didn't realise it was that) and left her. He now deeply regrets it, and there is no going back (she won't take him and he's in a relationship anyway).

It will be hard. Couple counselling? HRT? I'm no sure. Why she doesn't trust you I don't know. I think you'll have to be her rock for a bit, and when the thing is found, LET IT LIE. Or let it tear apart your relationship. Don't cast up silly accusations from the past (cept in counselling) because you'll argue in circles and just get upset.

Best of luck x

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
- My blog
it does sound like yr wife needs to see a dr. my mum was very difficult to get along with when she started going through the menopause. you couldnt breathe without her snapping. when she eventually went to the drs he put her on HRT and the change was so quick. if its not what yr wife needs then maybe counselling? whatever happens good luck xx

im stacey by the way, im 32, from north yorkshire and mum to 3. jami (11) catherine (4) and ben (3)

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
Folks, thanks for your replies. However, your perceptions of wife's mental state and menopause could be wrong. After all, you are coming to this knowing that I am telling you the truth. She doesn't really know my thoughts (what I've told you). She only has her feelings to go on and knowledge of me. I can at times be selfish, short-tempered, intransigent - I do worry about money. This document is lost and if I was her in her situation, I'd maybe think the same thing - it is odd it's lost. I don't think she's unwell and she's great with everyone else anyway (at least those who are decent people). I did think the emails from this gut would help and was rather suprised that she thought I might have manipulated them (I know more about PCs than her). They were very straightforward. So I think the problem and solutions are more complex.

Not meaning to be ungrateful.......

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
This might sound strange but maybe let her read your post here (maybe not the responses as she may take them the wrong way)... copy and paste it and say it was written to vent, maybe will give her more of your perspective on this whole situation Suspect

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
I'm not anywhere near the menopause but do get very hormonal and emotional as I suffer with manic depression. The first person I take it out on is my husband and I literally become like a demon monster at times. I will go into a kind of craziness where I strop, huff and puff, blame everyone else for everything(even sometimes when there is no issue) and at that time I can't reasonably back down and assess the situation. Afterwards I feel abit stupid and now can sometimes even laugh about it after. BUT it took many years for me to do this and to begin with I would stand my ground and insist it was my hubby (or whoever) with the problem.
I'm not saying your wife has the same illness as me but what I'm saying is either hormones or the loss of her aunt or a combination of these could be making her go into these episodes. If this is the case it will be hard for you to say or do anything right and she wont make it easy for you as she'll be caught up in herself. She may be heading for a fall and need support but it'll take time and maybe help from her doctor.
I hope you can be strong and not take it too personally as there is a good chance she doesn't mean to make you feel like this. Just come and talk to us on here

AlexAlex Moderator
posted 1 decade 6 years ago
as you say we can only give our thoughts on what you have told us! But in my experience people put on a front with others and hubby (or parents) are the easiest people to lass out at. they dont mean it it is just we are an easy target.

I think you should let her read your first post here and then talk it through.

I do hope you get things sorted

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
Wow- it sounds like you're both really upset at the moment. A couple of thoughts- maybe your wife is feeling hormonal? (best not to mention that to her mind! but I know that when I have PMT even little things suddenly become huge, horrible problems), also was she very close to this relative and is she grieveing?- grief and loss can really mess with your head and make you hypersensitive and upset about things that wouldn't normally.

In my humble opinion I would try to rise above it and be the better person (not easy, I know!!). I would sit her down (at a time when she is feeling relaxed- and not pressured) and say calmly that you really want to talk to her. Say to her that you've noticed she's been stressed and upset lately and its really bothered you that she feels that you may have taken the will as you honestly didn't but you really want to help her find it/ feel better. Ask her if there's anything else on her mind thats worrying her- ask her how she is feeling, ask her if theres anything you can to to help relieve the pressure and support her in this. You're probably thinking, why should I? she's being totally unreasonable! I work in mental health and you'd be surprised what the simple act of saying to someone "I'm here for you" can do- it often opens the floodgates and all sorts of feelings come out. Its also probably very hard for her to admit that you didn't take the will as she has made such a huge deal of it and now she's up on her high horse! Perhaps offer to help her retrace her steps and try to find out where its gone (sorry to be stating the obvious but its surprising how helpful it is to retrace your steps when you've lost something).

I'm sure she's not intentially being unreasonable, she might be really upset about stuff that you're not even aware of. Give her the chance to explain. I hope you do get it sorted. I know from personal experience how horrible the atmosphere can be at home when things are like that! Good luck!

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
thanks Angelbaby for some useful ideas about how she might be feeling about her aunt's death and how I could offer to help.

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