medindexerA few days ago, my wife said she needed to talk about something serious. She said I knew what it was. I didn't. She then said it was something missing from her desk drawer. I have occasionally gone there as she keeps keys for part of the house there. Long ago I learnt that it isn't good to go prying anywhere and I don't. I do ẁhite' lies/minor lies (under the stress of everyday family life) but I draw the line a long long way away from this sort of thing. I have a certain morality (I confess I have claimed more from home insurance for a lost item but don’t such things with peers/fellow humans etc.). As she wouldn't tell me what it was (valuables I thought or past love letters!?!). I went to ask the kids if they'd taken anything (not something they've ever done - she thinks I did this as a charade and I hate it that she thinks I'm such a low-life to do that).
Anyway, a little later in the day, she told me that she'd been sent a copy of her aunt's will who'd died a few weeks back and it has gone missing. It was there on a Monday but by the Saturday it had gone. She was sure she'd put in the drawer, had taken it out once to read it and put it back. Sometime during that time she thinks I had found it (implying I look through her stuff regularly – there was no reason I would have expected her to have been sent the will as her brother is handling the paperwork), maybe wanted to copy it and not put it back by mistake. This was because, by chance, she had only realised it was missing on the Saturday because she had decided (unexpectedy for me she thinks as I was planning perhaps to put it back) to clean her room for the new music teaching term and decided to tidy her desk and this had caught me out! I said to her that if I had taken it and wanted to copy it (she was out on Friday night), I could have copied it in 2 seconds on my copier and would not have been so stupid not to put it back. But that cut no ice. She hadn't confronted me on the Sat. but left it to Mon. Hoping I would put it back or something and she thinks I was acting a bit strangely at several times. She has also lost the key to the desk and thinks that's me (she loses things fairly often whereas I'm a bit of an order freak). During the week when she had the document, she also thinks I was acting strange at times. We'd gone away biking for a couple of days and actaully, I was as happy as Larry most of it. Believe me, if I had felt annoyed about a will that I had disovered that she'd concealed a will from me, I would do more likely do a male a low-level sulk.
At this point, several days on, my wife thinks I’ve dug myself into a hole and can’t admit I took it, so when she is actaully looking for it, she is not looking, I reckon, in any great hope. She also thinks that I won’t attempt to secrete it somewhere in her stuff (as if she’d mislaid it) as she would know if she then found it, if it was in a possible place she had left it in. Maybe she thinks I’ve destroyed it.
I don’t think anyone else could have taken it as it was just a piece of paper in a velum envelope. My kids, 11 and 15 could not have and it would be worth nothing to anyone anyway. It was just a copy anyway but it’s what she thinks I’ve done that hurts her so deep.
Later that week, a pretty handkerchief of the aunt’s went missing while ironing and she thought I taken it to
up her mind. She went berserk, and said I was a total nut and needed help. Five minutes later it turned up under a towel. She apologised realising she’d done it, but as it had turned up straight away, this had no parallel to the missing will (for which she has searched for may hours – and she obviously thinks that I’m prepared to let her waste her time searching seeing that she thinks I took it – her estimation of me is going down and down).At times, I’ve got very angry. She is not now saying much about it, but I have to keep on bringing it up as it’s unbearable thinking that she’ll have this diminished view of me – unfortunately the more I go on, the more she thinks I’m in denial and starting to believe my own fabricated story. I suppose from her side this is credible. I know even if she finds it, it might not be in a place that she thinks she could have put it, and in the hopeful situation that she does find it and remembers she could have put it there, it won’t end there for me. I feel as if I have been put through hell and would find it hard to forgive for this.
The will...... I am a bit of a money worrier I won't deny that, and don't spend freely everywhere. Oddly, 30 years ago, when my Dad died (I was 26 and not very good at expressing my feelings by crying – I was a silent griever), my sister (a tough cookie but basically a good person) accused me of hanging around just to see if there was any money due. She doesn't remember now ever saying that but I know how I felt and I never forgot it. I had discussed the aunt's house and possessions with my wife a few weeks back I was careful not to appear to concerned as my wife suspects I’m overinterested in money. I knew there was the house (not worth a lot) and didn’t expect anything else. I was not very interested in the subject at all and it was not my business. It sounded as if it was going to go 3 ways roughly between my wife and her two brothers. If we got some money, then it would be nice (even if someone doesn’t like profitting by a loved persons death – she was a good person). I had assumed it would actually go the aunt’s only relation, her brother (my wife’s dad – again a great guy who has been really generous with us). The family are all good, not money hunters and I hate the thought that they’ll hear this story about me. I think my wife mainly suspects that I was thinking she was keep the money herself (almost everything we own including savings we share equally).
The distrust issue. We were talking about trust about 5+ years ago, and I had declared that I would not lie to her about anything really important. I was at least being truthful that I could lie about little things). In a heated moment, she said that 20 years ago (from now), she had come home early from work (this gets ridiculous here but stay with me) and heard me having sex with a guy she knew! I’ve not engaged in homosexual sex and am not homo- or bisexual as far as I know. This was weird. This guy we used to see as part of group who did `co-counselling’ where you listen to each others problems, experiences, whatever. In brief (as it’s hard to describe), it’s not a culty thing, and I was at a stage in my life where I needed to open up my feelings. Counselling both ways with other `equals’ rather than professionals is a good idea in principle. One is encouraged to allow the person being counselled to allow all their feelings to come out. Laugh, cry, scream, sing, whatever. The guy was the leader of the group and very good at letting his feelings out. Whatever she heard, it was not us having sex! She then went to play the piano (!), heard the guy leave a bit later (she says she was not bothered if it had happened anyway but I should not lie that it had never happened). I didn’t counsel often at the time, was drifting away from it a bit ((it’s hard work!), and I don’t think I saw him after that. My wife’s accusation was bizarre. Every so often I bring her accusation up as I’m so annoyed that she thinks I lie. I said to my wife that if it had happenned then I’d wiped my brain of it (but this only got me deeper in shit as she saw this as a flimsy get out clause)
To cut things short, I decided to contact him by email (when the will thing happened) as I was desperate to prove my basic honesty. I described the accusation by my wife and said all I needed was an honest reply. I said that my knowledge was that it hadn’t happened, but had if I `wiped’ it from my brain, I needed to know. I wrote the email as objectively as possible. He replied, laughingly, that I could assure myself it had not happened. I thought this would cut some ice with my wife that if I was telling the truth here that it would help with the missing will. But no, she thinks I could have manipulated the emails!
What sort of person is my wife? She's not mad, though I'd say she temporarily goes `mad' especially with a drink or two, if we have a dispute. She is nearing the menopause. She's a very honest and good person, loves her kids, gives me I feel a harder time than I deserve at times, criticising me for things I do which I think she does herself (except when she does it, it's for a good reason!).At times, I feel she drives me mad but she can be very loving. I want to stay with her as I do love her. I trust her (perhaps I didn't so much in the past, but these days I do totally). Things recently have been relatively good, and she’s been talking, during our holidays about places she’d like to go to with me when the kids have left home so it can’t be that bad.
That’s basically it. Life is hell write now and I’m trapped. This thing happens in films, not for real. Any constructive advice will be appreciated.
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Alex
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