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are you a step-parent as well as a parent?

mumof2mumof2
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
my partner and i have 2 girls together and although neither of us have anyother children i do class myself as a step-parent to my ex-partners little girl chloe.we were together while her mum was expecting her and brought her up together for the first 2 years of her life.even when we split up and met other partners i continued to be a huge part of her life and will be for as long as she allows me. i treat her as one of my own and have been the only mother figure in her life(her mum was an addict and has no contact).i was proud as punch the first day she called me special-mummy(i didnt want to be her mum just her friend and we never encourged it) shes now 7 and gets on great with my little girls and to them shes a big sister.problem is cara is now starting to ask questions and im not really sure how to explain the situation to a 2(almost 3) year old.she wants to know how chloes there sister but why she calls me special-mummy and george(my partner) by his name,why she doesnt live with us just stays over sometimes,has another dad etc so far ive managed to fob her and change the subject but cant do that forever and now it just got worse.we had chloe over for tea tonight and as i was washing up i heared cara ask her who her real mummy and daddy was.chloe was ever so upset as she answered i dont now who my real mummy is i only have my special -mummy(me), my daddy and best friend lisa(dads girlfriend) then looked over at me as tho looking for answers.i knew this day would come but didnt expect to be the one dishing out the answers.i just comforted her then got her ready and took her home where i explained to my ex what happened and left him to deal with it(cop out i know but didnt know how to deal with it)and now i feel awful i even got george to put the girls to bed tonight as i knew cara would ask even more questions and didnt know how to answer her either.i know its an unusual situation and one maybe no one has any answers to but thought id ask anyway as i could really do with some advice


gemmagemma
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
My husband as an 11year old son from a previous relationship. We see him every wednesday and he stays every other weekend fri-sun. It has certainly had its ups and downs but he's getting older now so can vioce his own opinion and work things out for himself so hoping things improve. I don't think these situations are ever ideal. Thankfully he is really close to the girls and they adore him too.

Yours seems even harder and in my opinion you did just the right thing, it should be her dad that answers the trciky questions and you can re-assure her that you'll always be there when/if she needs you but he's got to be the one that does all the explaining. Sounds brilliant that you have such a great relationship with your ex.
As for explaining to cara.... tricky. Perhaps just that you met her when she was a baby and her mummy couldn't look after her so you have been her special-mummy since she was tiny...you love her and she loves all of us (cara included) then maybe cara can see that its a good thing... kids only really care about their perspective don't they?

Hope she can suss it all out, she'll be asking you how babies are made next week Wink Shocked

mumof2mumof2
posted 1 decade 3 years ago

gemma said:
My husband as an 11year old son from a previous relationship. We see him every wednesday and he stays every other weekend fri-sun. It has certainly had its ups and downs but he's getting older now so can vioce his own opinion and work things out for himself so hoping things improve. I don't think these situations are ever ideal. Thankfully he is really close to the girls and they adore him too.

Yours seems even harder and in my opinion you did just the right thing, it should be her dad that answers the trciky questions and you can re-assure her that you'll always be there when/if she needs you but he's got to be the one that does all the explaining. Sounds brilliant that you have such a great relationship with your ex.
As for explaining to cara.... tricky. Perhaps just that you met her when she was a baby and her mummy couldn't look after her so you have been her special-mummy since she was tiny...you love her and she loves all of us (cara included) then maybe cara can see that its a good thing... kids only really care about their perspective don't they?

Hope she can suss it all out, she'll be asking you how babies are made next week Wink Shocked


lol god your not far wrong she asks too many questions for my liking.thanks thats a great help and im going to sit down with cara tomorrow and explain it as you put it.i know its just natural curiosity its just taken me by surprise as id never prepared for it.i guess i just never thought it would be an issue well not for a long time at least.i dont really have that great a relationship with my ex we just made a pact to put our differences aside for the sake of chloe as i was all shed ever known and didnt see why that should change because we fell out of love with each other.its not always been easy and im sure it may get harder but its worth it shes a really fab little girl and i love her to peices i think il have a chat with her too and reassure as you say that im always here for her the last thing i want is for her to feel awkward

BeckyBecky
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
That's a really tricky situation but if you do as Gemma suggested and sit her down and explain that her mummy couldn't look after so you came along and have looked after her ever since, there's no way that she will be upset at you. She may be confused, but as long as you let her know that you love her very much, I think it will strengthen your bond. You're a very special lady for keeping that relationship with her, as I suspect it's lost after many relationsips end, which is a real shame. Love Hope it all goes well

EveryRoseEveryRose
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
My partner Mark has two teenage daughters from a previous relationship.

I'd say I was more of a friend rather than a parent...but the eldest has referred to me as her 2nd mummy before Love

jellybeanjellybean
posted 1 decade 3 years ago
I have a step son who is now 23years old. It always seems funny to write about him as my step son as i just think of him as my son. In my eyes he just has two mum's. He was 11 when i met his dad and he lived full time with us and for many years had no contact or limited contact with his mother, her choice.
I never found it hard, i knew the day i moved in with them that i was not only becoming John's partner but his son's parent as well. I never expected him to see me as his mum but hoped he would see me as his friend... be it a friend who tells him what to do and how to do it..lol.
I now think of him as my son and treat him as such but would never put him in the position of asking him what he see's me as. Its not important to me whether he thinks of me as a 2nd mum, friend or pain in the neck. All that is important to me is that i have brought him up the best i could and made his teens happy and had a good moan at him...lol
When Cem is older we will sit down with my step son and all decide what Cem is told. So we are all telling him the same thing and my step son is happy with what Cem is told.
I think the most important thing is to let both girls know that you love them both the same and always will.
I would talk to your ex and find out what reason he has given Chloe for her mothers absence before you talk to Cara. That way both girls can be told the same thing so that when they talk about it they will have the same story. Different stories will only lead to problems

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