Am i in the wrong?

:suspect:Today my uncle passed away,im not upset as i haven't had a relationship with him for about 15 years.I am very close with a few of my cousins so i feel bad for them.I was really close with my Auntie whom is my fathers older sister.When she passed away 15 years ago my uncle almost immediately moved another female in.I was so devastated when my aunty died as we were always together.When i went to go visit my uncle i walked in the living room and saw this lady (his now wife)sitting in her chair rugged up in my aunties blanket!My heart broke but i just kept my distance from them and that was that.Years later i got engaged and went to give my uncle his invitation he got really nasty with me and after a brief chat about why i didn't visit anymore he shoved me out the front door and punched me in the back.I never had contact with him again.Also when my auntie was ill he was very disrespectful towards her making comments such as(she is going to die soon why waist my money on petrol driving her to the city for treatment) he also treated my mum like crap aswell as she was always nursing my aunt.Im not trying to justify anything but i have decided not to attend his funeral.I will go and visit my cousins once the funeral is over.I just don't want to explain all this to my cousins because at the end of the day this is there father and i don't want them to think I'm being disrespectful.

Jo, I would do exactly the same probably. I'm sorry for your cousins and family, but I don't blame you for feeling the way you do at all, I think it is very justified.

So sorry to hear that. I work in a psychiatric hospital and it sounds to me as if he had a personality disorder- violence and emotional abuse are never to be tolerated whatever the reason, his behaviour towards you is totally unacceptable and insensitive. You are completely justified in not going to the funeral but I agree that you should not mention any of this to your cousins. They are in the depths of grief and to tell them would just be to taint the memory of their father. If they ask, you could just say, I'm very sorry for your loss and I'm here for you but we were never that close and just leave it at that. Make sure that they know that you're there for them and if they question you just keep on with the theme of, I didn't really know him that well etc... as they would find it incredibly hard to hear about his behaviour right now. You sound like you really care about people to want to be there for them and I'm sure they will appreciate that kindness. Basically, you are not in the wrong but I would keep this fact to yourself for the sake of family harmony! Hugs to you!

Oh Jo that's awful

I don't blame you at all i don't thing id be able to go also after what he had done

no i dont think your in the wrong at all hun i totally agree with angelbaby!

you're not doing anything wrong at all hun xxx

Thanks guys,i have discussed this with my father and he says for me to do what i feel is right for my self as long as i dont have any regrets later. (im sure i wont)I spoke to my cousins last night and i told a porky pie i said i couldnt attend the funeral as i had no one to look after my DS.They were very understanding and didnt question me any further so it all went well.Thankyou for your kind words and advice.

you are doing the right thing - to go and not have feelings for your uncle would be rather hypocritical and i find that annoying!!

how we feel about someone when they die is really personal and you shouldnt have to explain yourself to others. a small white lie to protect your cousins feelings is perfectly acceptable - maybe send them a card so they know that you are thinking of them on the day of the funeral.

good luck chick