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betrayed by parents, how do i heal the hurt?

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
I had a lovely childhood but as soon as i reached 17, my mother changed towards me. I married at 20 to a man who i thought loved me but he turned out to be an abusive pig. I told my parents but she just said that it must be something i was doing and i must've deserved it! After enduring 5 yrs of abuse, i ran away to a friends house. My mother sent my dad and brother round and basically gave me her ultimatum.. go back to my husband or i'd be disowned. Like a fool i went back and because he had manipulated the situation, he was free to abuse me even more After another year, i'd had enough and i got divorced. My mother read the petition and cried in horror and said that she wished i'd told her what was going on!!! I HAD!!! Angry

I then married my 2nd husband in 1998, again the sun shone out of his backside as far as my mother was concerned but it didnt matter as we were happy. But then i lost my 4th babe ( lost 3 with the pig) to stillbirth and my mother basically treated me like i'd had flu. She expected me to get over it in a matter of weeks and treated me like a fruitloop if i was feeling down. I then fell pregnant for the 5th time. I spent 2 months in hospital and not once did she visit me. She only lived 80 miles away and her excuse was that there was no one to look after the dogs! After i finally gave birth to a living child, she changed towards me and gave me recognition. But then i developed pnd and my husband, mother in law and my parents said i was 'attention seeking'. My marriage broke down and we went to court for residency of our then 2 yr old. I was devastated to find out that my mother had written a statement to the courts saying i was an 'unfit' mother, was too 'overweight' to be a good mum ( all i had was post baby weight!!!!) and basically said my daughter would be better off with her dad. It was pure snobbery as my ex husband's mother has a bit of money. All claims of me being unfit were blown out the water by CAFCASS and the health visitor but the damage had been done, i felt so betrayed. She even went to COURT on the hearing day and sat on HIS side!!

I've been in a very happy relationship now for 3 yrs but she will not acknowledge my fiance and his son. She did meet them once but told my stepson to ' not take any notice of me cos i'm a bitch'... but my ex husband has now got a relationship which seems serious and new gf and her kids have spent days with my parents and she's over them like a rash!

How can a mother do that to her own daughter!!! I could understand it if i'd done something dreadfull but i havent!!! She kept saying that my actions reflected on her, ie two divorces. I've cut all ties with them but i do send them cards and presents on behalf of my daughter until she is old enough to do it herself. My ex husband takes her to see her grandparents and i encourage this as she needs to have a relationship with them. Its not her fault they are pathetic.

I do cry over it, after all, she's still my mother and in a warped way, i still love her. I used to be so close to my dad but she's turned him against me. My fiance keeps telling me to forget them but its easier said than done. How do i get over being betrayed yet again?

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
I am so sorry for everything you have been through, you sound incredibly strong. I wish I had the words to make the hurt stop, I dont. I have been through a lot in my life, but not nearly enough for me to know who to help you fix this. All I can do is send you my love and thoughts and some big cyber hugs!! Kiss xXx

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
Awww hun, I am so sorry you have been dealt such bad blows in your life. I dont have the words at the moment to help you ease your pain but really hope things can eventually work out with your mum, though IMO shes not even worthy of being your mum - sorry if that is out of order!!

big (((hugs)))) to you hun

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
That is just terrible you poor thing. With a mum like that who needs enemies Tounge Out . All I can say to you is be your own person, you dont deserve to be treated like this by anyone and especially not by your mother.
You sound like you have met a wonderful supportive partner, make your life with him a happy one. It is your mums loss not to be part of your life.
I wish you the very best in life. Good luck

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
i honestly dont know why my mother has done the things she's done to me. If i'd been a 'wild child' i would've understood but i wasnt. She and my ex husband even said that i'd 'rather be a mother to a dead baby than my living one' which was rather charming... NOT!!! Angry

Even when i had my hysterectomy last year, she never bothered calling to see if i was ok, she knew about it. She's known i've had gynae probs for years but even then she said 'it was all in my head' and that there was 'nothing wrong with me'. She even said ' i brought on the pnd myself as i wanted attention'.. FFS you dont 'bring on pnd'!!!! Angry I never wanted it, i never asked for it!

What hurts me the most is the fact that i've got an older brother, he's 38 now. She's NEVER belittled him, never said anything against him.

I sent my dad a pic in a frame of me and my daughter for father's day the other month. Just wanted to show them how happy we are together and that we're as close as anything. What hurts as well is the fact that i was willing to donate a kidney to my dad as he's got kidney failure and is on the transplant list.

Yes i despise my mother, in fact i tend not to call her that anymore. she's more like ' the woman who gave birth to me'... but i get so jealous when i see mothers and grown up daughters being so close. Why cant that be me! I despise and love her at the same time.

But its shown me that i can and will be a better mum to my own daughter. I will most definately not be treating her the way my own mother did me.

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
awwww hun Kiss

i had a crap childhood (wicked evil step mother) and for years i was too tied up in why she treated me the way she did but since having kids and meeting a wonderful man ive let it all go. some people are just wicked and they are the ones who are unhealthy and will always be unhappy.

i havent read it but i've heard it being recommended lots a book called "toxic parents" by dr sue forward
maybe worth a try.

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
She's not worth it. My mother buggered off when I was 3 years old, I've always had contact (I'm now 25) but she's never been a mum to me. Over the years she has caused alot of hurt and made promises which as a child I would believe then she'd let me down every time. When I finally had it out with her when I was 22 the abuse, lies and venom that came out of her mouth were unbelievable. It may be different for you as you used to have a normal relationship with your mum but I can tell you hand on heart that since I said Angry to my mum I've felt happier,free,stronger,like a weight lifted from my shoulders. It was really em-powering to admit I didn't like,want or need her and to let her know that it was HER FAULT and now she's the one missing out on the positive happy family I've created

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
aww hun im sorry to hear about what u have been through with your mum Kiss

how can she treat you like that?

u just concentrate on your family babe, she will be the only one who will end up even more bitter twisted and lonely!

Kiss Love Kiss

posted 1 decade 6 years ago
Oh you poor thing, what an awful way to be treated by your own mother. I guess sometimes we have no explanations for why some people behave so badly towards their children - possibly its due to issues from their past, they themselves have been messed up as kids and haven't been able to get past it so they recreate those dysfunctional ways when they become parents. I think you have to accept that your mother is like this (as hard as that is) and stop having expectations of her (eg. expecting that she'll come through for you and then feeling let down when she doesn't), I think its the expectation that is the hurtful bit- in your mind you think, well she's my mum, she'll support me and then she doesn't and its like being abandoned again and again. I think you need to start protecting yourself and protecting your feelings. For example, instead of going to your mum for help and being let down, go to a trusted friend instead and get the help that you need. Stay open to a relationship with her but don't expect anything from her. You could always write her a letter (not for her, but for you to get your emotions out). Bottom line hon, this is totaly her loss, not yours. How sad for a mother to behave this way towards her own child and one day it will be too late for her to rectify it. It is NOT your fault that your mum chooses t behave like this. You sound like a really good mum and deserve better than this. Take care.

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