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bitter about my infertility...

posted 4 years 6 months ago
I am really bitter about my infertility. I feel angry that other people can conceive easily and I can't. I don't really feel happy for other people's happy news, no matter how much I love the person. Any baby/pregnancy news just makes me feel sad or numb or angry. And then I feel guilty for being such a bad friend/relative. Apart from BFNs, miscarriage and the prospect of a childless life, there is nothing in the world that I dread more than a pregnancy announcement. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a nightmare - how can this be happening to me?

I've noticed that although every woman who goes through it finds infertility devastating, not everyone feels bitterness to the same degree that I do. And many of you do seem to genuinely feel happy for friends' happy news, even whilst feeling sad for yourselves. How do you do it? Please tell me? I've asked my counselor and she hasn't given me any practical suggestions at all. Is there any way that I can choose to think or feel about this differently in order to reduce the bitterness? I want to be able to feel happy for others and not so angry at the world. I don't seem to be able to make that shift in my head.

posted 4 years 6 months ago
I don't have the right or even the best answer for you. I think different things work for all of us, but I do know how you feel (maybe not 100% but close!). It is very hard to not feel angry, bitter and jealous when people who started trying after you now have babies. Seems like everyone just click their fingers and bam, there's a baby! I find myself counting up who in my circle might be next.
I felt like I was getting into a real rut and started to ruin friendships because I struggled so much to be nice and say the right things when all I wanted to do was hide and cry my eyes out. I'm so sick of being sad. The only thing which has worked for me personally, is taking a small break from TTC for a few days or even weeks. Having a short vacation with my DH helps to relax. I think you are maybe judging yourself too harshly. I bet a lot of the ladies who "seem to genuinely feel happy" are seething nests of jealousy. I know I am. I'm just a good actress. The thing that works for me is exercise. It always makes me feel better and also reminds me that my body is not completely useless and dysfunctional!
I hope you find your way of dealing with this. Good luck!

posted 4 years 6 months ago
I feel for you. This is something I really struggle with. I'll be interested to read the replies.

I just thought I'd pipe in because I remember reading somewhere, might have been in a book I have on cognitive behavioural therapy or something. But it effectively said that anger (which I consider bitterness to be a subset of) is like a 2nd step of emotion. There's an initial emotion that is painful. And then anger is the reaction to feeling that painful emotion. Like feeling sad about something and then getting angry (life is unfair - bitterness). Or guilty about something then getting angry (defensiveness). Or inadequate about something then getting angry (lashing out at whoever made us feel inferior). It's just so common, that anger is not the primary emotion. It follows some other unpleasant feeling. Maybe as a way to 'defend' against having to feel that feeling, or defend against actual attack.

So I'm wondering whether it would help to explore the primary feeling. And find ways to express it. Then the anger wouldn't follow. Finding a way to mourn, and let the sadness out may help.

posted 1 month 1 week ago
I have experienced the same feeling. Give yourself time and grace. I myself developed something else in my life to get rid of that stress. I moved and enjoyed other things.

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