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I don't know what to do.

posted 4 years 5 months ago

DawnTTC said:

Amber said:

DawnTTC said:
Really? I'm sorry I'm new here. I'm a bit shocked as I've just read another thread similar. Are you really unable to be happy for a loving and close friend? Are you seeing anyone that you can talk to about this? How can you not support a friend who's pregnant? I'm also ttcing, but I'm so happy when my friends or family tell me pregnancy news. Last week my sis told me she's expecting. I'm so glad and so excited!
Believe me, I hate myself for feeling the way I do. Everyone deals with infertility differently. And yes it has turned me into quite a b**ch. Have you any suggestions on how to change my thinking? How do you cope? I saw a counselor for a while... She didn't help much.

Please don't hate yourself, regardless of your feelings. I don't feel I "cope" as I don't really regard it to be an issue to "cope with" as such. Does that make sense? For me infertility is something that just happens. Pretty much the same as pregnancy just happens to others. It's totally random and largely outside of my control.

While I agree that you might need some down time to process your feelings away from what's upsetting you, I don't think that cutting off your close friends will serve you in the longer term. They have loved and supported you. And will continue to do so, if they're as loving and kind as what you're suggesting.

I think you probably need to start working with a really good therapist. Ask everyone you know if they can recommend someone. You need help to change your thinking about your situation. Sometimes life just sucks. I can empathize with that part but I largely believe in choice and not becoming a victim of circumstance. If one counselor didn't work then keep looking until you find someone you click with. If you're feeling constant disappointment then there are ways to deal with your feelings and refocus your energies. I'd definitely look for someone who can give you the tools you might need to lift yourself up.

Both of your posts are shocking. While the second one I can see where you have tried to offer your support... I guess I'm just shocked that you handle it so well. No emotions from your post... I wish I was that lucky... I do need to 'cope' with my infertility 'issue', of recurrent miscarriage... of a million tears, of emptiness... of the feeling of letting my husband down, of not feeling like a real woman at times, of seeing my friends blossom in pregnancy, then play with their children... the empty nursery set up in our home, of the endless ache in my heart... This and so much more... I refuse to believe that infertility just happens... Or like pregnancy just happens, because I have to work for it, to plan, to be tested, to be jabbed, to be prodded, to take pills, to take temps... And I'm not even on this path as long as others... But I will continue on this path as I am not a victim. It IS in my control to do something. And I will continue to be inspired by so many others, who can share this journey, can empathize, and who can support each other. Here we can talk openly and share when sometimes, we are unable to seek that support from within our own circles of friends and family.

posted 4 years 5 months ago
I too really struggle to be happy for people when they announce their pregnancy. I long to be able to be happy for them, and a small part of me is, but the bigger part says why can't it be me.

I too want to say that it is ok to feel that way. It's not a nice way to feel, as you constantly feel that you are a b*tch, but it's ok. As I said to a friend that told me she fell pg first time of trying, it's not you that is hurting me, it's the situation. I am not really upset at that other person for being pregnant, but the anger and pain at the situation often manifest itself that way. Every time you see them, you are reminded that they are pregnant and you are not.

For me, I have to give myself a chance to cry and be angry and yell that it's not fair. And sometimes to give myself some space from that person. But I have found that it can be better to get back on the horse sooner rather than later. I am someone who can make the problem grow much bigger than it really is in my head. And avoiding the person for long periods of time doesn't help me in that way. And deep down, I want to be part of my friend's pregnancy and experience it a bit.

And it really is ok to tell someone that you can't talk about their pregnancy if they keep bringing it up. Especially if they whinge about it! I generally ignore it until I can't anymore. And then try and change the topic. If they don't get the idea, I just say, I'm sorry, but I can't really talk about this anymore.

posted 4 years 5 months ago
And the big thing that I have learned through this awful journey is that most people have no idea what it's like to struggle through infertility. They will say awful things without thinking. And they will not even realise is hurtful. I am trying not to hold this against people... That is easier said than done.

In the end, you have to look after yourself and work out what works for you. I wish you good luck!

posted 4 years 5 months ago
I don't have the right answer, just that I know how you feel and I understand. Don't feel guilty.
December is a terrible month for me. Everyone is pregnant, having dozens of kids each, celebrating Christmas... This is too much.
I was upfront with my friend recently, who announced her 2nd pregnancy. She was so sweet and told me first before others as it was her way of making me feel special. She knows I would feel terrible if everyone was keeping it from me. I told her I am so happy for her, but sometimes find it difficult as I want to join in and be pregnant with her. She was so understanding. She knows I am extremely happy for her. She doesn't go on and on about the pregnancy. She knows I find the whole situation a little depressing. I do try and make an effort to ask her though since she has been a gorgeous friend to me.
Primary infertility sucks. Please don't feel guilty as you have had a rough time. And until someone has walked in another's shoes, they can’t judge how someone feels. You are doing the best you can. Sometimes you need to look after YOU first.

posted 4 years 5 months ago
Thanks for reminding me that I'm not the only one who has these types of reactions towards pregnant friends/those with babies. It's a horrible feeling to have and yes, it's easy to beat yourself up over it. I'm finding that I'm often making excuses to avoid these friends and spending more time with those without children. Even shopping in target a couple of days ago was difficult as all I wanted to do is go and buy baby clothes/maternity clothes! I just try and talk about it/cry about it with DH and try and think of some positives about not being pregnant yet such as traveling. Your friend will understand if you need some time away from her. Tell her the truth. It doesn't mean that you love her any less. Baby dust to all.

posted 4 years 5 months ago
Sadly I am one of those people who decided to just not really stay in contact with my friends when they had their kids. The 1st few were ok but then they were on 2nd, 3rd, 4th kid and I couldn't even have one it was harder. Whenever we met it was all kid/baby talk and them giving me "advice". I decided I didn't want to be bitter and angry and the only way was to just edge myself out of that circle. Anyway, I find it harder when it is people I am close to having kids because then I cannot just walk away from it. I have to deal with it. I just have a good cry in the shower when it all becomes too much.

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