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When enough is enough?

posted 4 years 9 months ago
I have just been feeling very depressed lately. Recently my SIL announced she’s expecting and here we go again... I just found out my husband's little brother and his girlfriend of 4 months are having a baby! It bothers me so bad I cry all the time. I think it's just the fact that she has a baby from a previous relationship and this will be the first grandchild on my husband's side... I just get so frustrated because we have been trying for almost 3 years now and his little brother goes off and gets this 20yr old girl pregnant who already has a kid and who is on welfare. I'm sorry to sound selfish but why is it that the people who can't take care of a kid are the ones who have them while people who are capable and ready to take care of a child have a hard time conceiving?
I am finally getting ready to have my 3rd IVF. Both of my previous IVFs were no good. How do you know when enough is enough? I mean I will do anything and everything to have a baby but it is very exhausting! If there are any women out there who can just share some advice or uplifting stories on how you deal with infertility issues, I would really appreciate it. Thanks in advance!

posted 4 years 9 months ago
I don't have any great advice, but I would like to tell you that your feelings of sadness and anger seem very normal. Try to be kind, compassionate and loving to yourself. It's okay to be angry and express it (just don't sit in it). Remind yourself that their "ease of pregnancy" has no impact on your situation. It doesn't detract from your ability to get pregnant.
I look around at some of the irresponsible people having children without even thinking about it and then I see some of the most wonderful people on earth struggling with infertility. It isn't fair. It sounds like you have been through so much.
I do have a fertility story of my own. My husband and I have been trying for 2,5 years before reaching a fertility specialist. She told us we have low chances to conceive naturally. I was absolutely devastated. Whole year we’ve been trying hard to get pg, I’ve been using meds and undergoing treatments – nothing worked. We decided it was time for IVFs. Round and round and then again… 3 IVFs and all failed. So many times I was thinking that’s enough. I was about to give up. At the time my last IVF failed I was 39. I thought maybe we are not meant to be parents. Eventually we decided to give it one last try. Currently we’re undergoing mitochondrial replacement therapy. Mitochondrial transfer works by replacing the damaged mitochondria in the mother’s egg with healthy mitochondria from another woman’s donor egg. In short, the majority of the child’s DNA will be from me and my husband, with only a small fraction coming from the mitochondria of the donor egg. We are at the very beginning of our journey. I’m doing my best to stay positive and calm. This is our last chance and we put all our hopes in this treatment.
In terms of when to give up or go to plan c or d, only you will know when enough is enough. If you can afford it and your spirit says I can do this, then go for it. If you need to take a break, then do that. There are many ways to create a family and I hope that you find one that works for you.

posted 4 years 9 months ago
Thank you so much for your kind words... It's stories like yours that inspire me. You have been through a lot also. I’m sorry about your failed ivfs. And I wish you best of luck with mitochondria donation. I am so happy for you. I know that all I can do is look ahead and hope that next half of the year brings me good news. I guess I was just frustrated with irresponsible people conceiving so easily while my DH and I trying so hard and nothing works. We are truly blessed to live such a wonderful life. The only thing or person missing now is a baby, we just don't feel truly complete...I just want to be a mother so bad! My husband keeps telling me to be patient and that it will happen! I just have to stay positive.

posted 4 years 9 months ago
I read your post and I completely relate to your emotions because that's exactly how I feel. I've been TTC with my DH for the last 6 years and nothing. This journey to motherhood has taken the best out of me like you have no idea. I completely understand your feelings of frustration and depression. I always thought when I was ready to be a mom it would just happen like it did for my friends.
I am still TTC and haven't had any success yet. Just today, I was at the superstore and I saw this woman with this little girl. She actually threw a water bottle at the girl's head. I couldn't believe I saw this with my own eyes out in public. That was crazy. I have a little cousin that's 20 years old and has 2 daughters from his ex-girlfriend who is an unfit mother. He has custody of the girls because she doesn't care about them. She's with another guy and rumor has it that she's pregnant with his baby. Isn't that something? Here I am wanting a baby and having trouble conceiving. Like you said, there's people having kids that don't deserve them and there's nothing we can do about it.
I just want you to know that you are not alone in your struggles. I'm sure you will be an amazing mom. I hope that next half of this year will bring you the joy that you and your husband deserve. Much luck to you and your DH!

posted 4 years 9 months ago
I know how frustrated you feel. I've been trying for a long time as well, and it is really frustrating to see people just pop babies out so easily. My brother-in-law’ ex-girlfriend had a baby when she was 14, would get drunk and have the baby out until four in the morning all the time! I saw her do it with my own eyes. She would pawn the baby off on her friends when he started to cry. Eventually the father of the child found out and adopted him permanently. She moved to the same town as him (which happens to be the town where I live) and I happened to be these guys neighbor. She doesn't even come to visit the baby more than 2-3 times a year! She then got pregnant twice, by two different dead-beat-dad's. Well when the babies were about one and two, she started dating my brother-in-law. He adored those kids. He was the first semblance of a normal life they had. She still would pawn them off on a nightly basis to kids who were most likely too young to babysit, and then refuse to pay them. But she never paid them any attention at all, and when she did she would scream her head off at them. When we went to family gatherings, I would hang out with them until she got mad about it and would scream at them to leave me alone. I tried telling her it was ok, but in the end it was easier to let her have her way then to watch her scream at them. So anyways, a couple of months ago, she leaves my brother-in-law, dumps both the girls on their grandparents, and moves a couple of hours away. I just found out about a week ago, that she is pregnant again!!!
Just remember you’re not alone. There are always people out there who don't deserve their babies, and unfortunately there is nothing we can do about it. Someday we will get to hold our babies in our arms, and will think back to all those hard times, and it will all be worth it, even though it’s hard to deal with now. Then we will be the ones on this site, telling others in the same situation about our miracle babies, giving others hope for the future. Most of all, we will love our babies so much more, for all the hard times we spent trying to get them here. Someday we will be wonderful mothers.

posted 4 years 9 months ago
I'm so sorry you are having troubles while TTC. It is a pain which no one will understand unless they have been in your shoes.
I think it is all to do with control. If you want to become a rocket scientist you can work as hard as possible and know it is achievable. If you want to go to a certain part of the world you can save your money and eventually you will get there. But if you want a baby, you have to hope for the best. Each month getting your hopes up to be let down again and moving from one infertility phase to the next with no luck and no guarantee anything will happen. We have no control over it. If a fortune teller could let you know that you will struggle but eventually it will happen for you 3/4/5 years down the line on x date it would be so much easier to accept. But all you can do is continue to try. I always found that really difficult to accept as I like to be able to control app aspects of my life.
It is heartbreaking when people announce around you that are expecting a baby, especially when you don’t feel their circumstances are right. But just because they are having a baby it doesn’t mean that your baby (who you will one day conceive I am sure) will be any less special or loved by the family. Your baby will be bought up by parents who really cherish them and can give them a stable, loving home. Their baby will not change that. So try to focus on you and to be as happy for them as you can be as one day that will be you who is pregnant and you never know, they could be very close in age and she might have a lot of tips to offer you or give you support in the very early days. Good luck with your IVF!

posted 4 years 9 months ago
Thank you all so much for your inspirational and uplifting stories. This forum really is my saving grace. I know I am not alone in this fight and my heart goes out to all the women who are going through the same thing. It pains me to see my brother in-law's girlfriend but she is carrying life and even though I wish it was me that was pregnant and it will be some day. I am learning to be more patient because frankly, I have no choice. I have to accept that it may not happen when I want too but some day it will and when it does, I truly will be the happiest woman on earth! Thank you all again for making me not give up on it and on myself. Lots and lots of baby dust to you all!!

posted 4 years 9 months ago
I so can relate. TTC made me a very depressed person. I used to watch tv shows and youtube channels about families, who had hard times conceiving, but eventually conceived. That was before I discovered out fertility issues. After that I went through a period of time when I couldn't watch anything that had to do with pregnancy and babies because it would make me sad. I had even stopped going to baby showers and kids birthdays, although I used to enjoy them a lot. I had a friend of mine that stopped talking to me because I didn't go to her kid's b-day party. I was just too depressed to go and I didn't want to tell her about our issue. But people just don't understand when you are going through something. They think it's about them when it's not. OP, good luck with your upcoming ivf!

posted 4 years 5 months ago
Infertility is the longest road you can possibly travel. It does not often move quickly. It’s most often a lot of waiting. You wait for periods, you wait for cycles to start, you wait for test results, you wait to have surgery– it usually feels like a never-ending waiting game. When we started treatment we quickly did 2 IVF cycles back to back taking toll after toll on ourselves emotionally. None of them ended up in BFP. Our 3rd IVF ended in a 4 week miscarriage. After the 4th IVF cycle which ended up with m/c again, my husband said enough. It is time for a break. So that’s what we did. We took a mini-vacation and took time to re-evaluate our situation. It was an amazing time. We reconnected and I didn’t realize how badly we needed that until it was happening. It can be hard to admit to yourself that it’s time for a break, but it is one of the best things you can do for yourself. It doesn’t have to be long, but let your mind clear. Taking a step back will often lead you to a different perspective and a clearer view of the big picture. We're still on a break, planning to have a donor egg cycle after the Holidays.

posted 4 years 4 months ago
luizza, how was your 3rd cycle? I hope you're doing great! I know how hard it is to receive pregnancy news when you're struggling with infertility. My sister told me she's pregnant right after my 3rd IVF cycle failed. I was happy for her, but I was so sad for myself. It was really painful emotionally. But it helped me to make my decision of going for a cycle with donor eggs. I've got pg after the first cycle with de. And I just wanted to tell everyone here, who're ttcing, I wish you to be the one to announce their pregnancy in 2020! Merry Christmas xx

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