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My daughter is growing up too fast.

posted 5 years 11 months ago
My daughter recently moved to a different town for college, so we barely see or talk to each other anymore. Last night, she called to say that she won't be home for Thanksgiving this year because she and her roommates are planning to go on multiple city singles tours. I know that she’s in college already, but to me she’s still my little girl and I still worry about her. I know that I should let her live her own life so she can grow, but at the same time I feel like she’s growing up so fast. Should I let her go on this trip? My husband and I miss her so much and we’re really looking forward to her coming home this November.
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posted 5 years 11 months ago
Unless you have any safety concerns, my opinion is that you should allow her to go. No matter how old she gets, she will always need her mom and dad. She may not want the same things at every stage. It is important that parents "grow" with the children. It doesn't mean that you can't have moments when you cuddle her and pamper her like you did 10 or 12 years back. But let those remain "moments" and not a lifetime.

Someone who is a lovely parent to an 8 year old, but a terrible one to an 18 year old can be very frustrating for the child. Don't make her choose between your presence in her life as a loving, supporting mother and her own personal growth. If she feels you can accept her only as a little girl, she may either avoid you in an attempt to not care about your treatment of her or regress to an earlier age at least around you to get your love and acceptance. It may not seem too bad to you .In fact, it will be easy for you if she choose to act like a little girl around you.

But you know what the worst part of it is? You'll never get to know your daughter. Because she won't show her true self to you thinking that you cannot handle it. She may think, oh my mom thinks I am naive and love the things I used to love as a little girl. If I show her I am not like that any more, it may upset her. I love my mom, I don't wanna upset her. The result is very sad. You can still be the same parent you were 10 years back, but the intimacy will be gone as it's no more real. There's too much faking involved.

So, treat her as your little baby by all means. But limit it to short periods, such as 2 minutes in 2 days. She has started college already. Soon the society will treat her as an adult and she will need to be responsible. She will start expecting her parents to accept her as an adult, an equal in many ways. Don't let her feel patronised.

If you treat her as a young adult, she will be comfortable showing the little girl in her when she's with you. But if she feels that makes her vulnerable -- to restrictions, reprimands, pushy advice, warnings, bossing -- she's not going to let you know that the little girl is still there in her.

Ask her if you can meet her for lunch on a date before or after her trip. Rent a room at a comfortable hotel and give her the option to just be with her mom and dad if she wishes, snack, watch some telly, make a tea for her,...and let her stay the night if she feels like it. Best if you can find a hotel that allows pets and bring your pet too if you have any. Create a normal home atmosphere in the hotel room for an afternoon. Let the day be as long as she wishes. I won't suggest planning a busy day with adventure parks and shopping as I feel you wish for an intimate family time with your child. A picnic isn't a bad idea though.

Half way through writing the reply I thought this is and why am I assuming that you're American. I just figured it out when thinking of the weather in November. "Thanksgiving"! You celebrate Thanksgiving!

posted 5 years 10 months ago
You should let her live her own life

posted 5 years 10 months ago
I think too much freedom isn't good for children her age. You should definitely have a chat session with her and make her understand that this is a fragile age and she can have all that in the future.

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