Disciplining 16 year old - am I too harsh!!

I really hope someone can help me here as I am at my wits end with my 16 year old daughter at the moment!!

Since the new year I have had countless problems with her staying out whenever she feels like it, coming in at whatever time she feels like, truanting from school which has now involved in me getting a letter from education welfare, shouting and screaming abuse at me and the latest is getting pregnant and now miscarrying.

Now, I do have rules for my children and one of them is for her to be home by 10.30pm. She is in the last year at school and supposed to be doing GCSEs and now only doing 5 cos she has missed so much work!!

She has been shouting at me that she is an adult and I should treat her like one, but surely she needs to start acting like one. She only turned 16 in March so much of ths stuff was when she was still 15.

She keeps saying that now she is 16 she can do what she wants and I say that while she is still under my roof she lives by my rules!!

We've had the rule for the past few months that if she is not in by 10.30pm then the door is locked and she wont be able to get in - she is resourceful and know that she is going to find a friend she will stay with - more poeple she has manipulated. As a result, she had been going to school all last week and first part of this week but has missed Wednesday, Thursday and Friday cos she wasnt home by her time so the door was locked. Surely she should be responsible enough to make sure she is home at the right time. As I too harsh on her, should I give in and let her do what she likes?? Its seriosuly got to the point where I no longer want her here

Can someone please advise me on what they would do??

Many thanks
x

hi hunnie
i was a terrible teenager, i treated my mum like poo and her house like a hotel( not now i'm 29, shes my best friend and i love her so much)
if daughter thinks u dont give a hoot anymore she will hate it and start wanting u to care agan, it takes time coz at 1st they think great i can do as i like, but the novalty soon wears off when their mates do as they are told or get fed up with her always having to stay at their houses.
it ounds harsh but it worked on me.
GOOD LUCK, i'm sure it will all work out hunnie x

have you tried sitting down and seeing if you can come to some sort of compromise??
as that way your treating her as an adult..would suggest a key but sound like she is not response to be given one... could always try saying that if she come in at the time you agree then you will consider giving her a key but she has to prove she can be trusted..

Do you know were she is all the time and who she is with?

Could also try saying that if she don't go to school you will take her and embarrass her in-front of her friend by taking her to the gate and treating her like a 5 year old and that you will pick her up...
that's what my sister in law did with her 16 year old.. it worked ..



Hope it helps... ??

bagpuss07 said:
have you tried sitting down and seeing if you can come to some sort of compromise??
as that way your treating her as an adult..would suggest a key but sound like she is not response to be given one... could always try saying that if she come in at the time you agree then you will consider giving her a key but she has to prove she can be trusted..

Do you know were she is all the time and who she is with?

Could also try saying that if she don't go to school you will take her and embarrass her in-front of her friend by taking her to the gate and treating her like a 5 year old and that you will pick her up...
that's what my sister in law did with her 16 year old.. it worked ..



Hope it helps... ??

Hi, thanks for the input:

She did have a key - but she lost it so no way is she getting another one

Have tried talking to her but all I get is abuse

Taking her to school - she has to get the school bus and I childmind so cant keep dragging the children in and out of the car. Also had a leg op last week and today was the first day I'ved been able to drive.

Also forgot to mention that she has stolen a fair bit of money out of my purse and copper jar over the past few weeks so have absolutely no respect for her at the moment. It seems like we take one step forward and 20 steps back - am very close to getting social services involved.

oh ok... well have you tried grounding her??
i use to hate that when i was young...

bagpuss07 said:
oh ok... well have you tried grounding her??
i use to hate that when i was young...

Yep, tried that. She just laughs and walks straight out!! We went through a phase where I had to lock all the doors and windows to keep her in but one day she kept a window key back and use that

I really dont know what the hell I have done to deserve all this from her. I used to think I was bringing her up ok but have just had it all thrown back in my face.
x

Have just found out shes pinched bottle of red wine out of the cupboard

Ask her what she plans on doing when she leaves school. Make it clear that if she lives at home with you and has no intension of getting a good education then she has to get a full time job. If she wants to be an adult then show her what 'adult' life is really all about

GTTkel said:
Ask her what she plans on doing when she leaves school. Make it clear that if she lives at home with you and has no intension of getting a good education then she has to get a full time job. If she wants to be an adult then show her what 'adult' life is really all about

We've had the conversation too. She has even done job application letters at the beginning of the week when she was at school. Have even told her I want rent and she said that was fine!!

We are now on bordering kicking her out tonight after this latest little antic - I just dont have the strength anymore to worry about what she is doing. I have 3 other children who are seeing all this go on and it cant be good for them??
x

alis378 said:

GTTkel said:
Ask her what she plans on doing when she leaves school. Make it clear that if she lives at home with you and has no intension of getting a good education then she has to get a full time job. If she wants to be an adult then show her what 'adult' life is really all about

We've had the conversation too. She has even done job application letters at the beginning of the week when she was at school. Have even told her I want rent and she said that was fine!!

We are now on bordering kicking her out tonight after this latest little antic - I just dont have the strength anymore to worry about what she is doing. I have 3 other children who are seeing all this go on and it cant be good for them??
x

you are right hunni there is only so much you can do to help some one but they also have to help there selfs
shes made her bed let her lie in it
thats what my mam said to me when i moved out at 17 to be with my fella and lucky me i am still lying in my bed now
but as you say you have 3 other children to thinkof and its not fair on them that your daughter is taking up so much of your timewhen you need to be speniding it with them and not worrying about her.
dont mean to sond out of line etc but if she s not prepared to live by ur rules then i would most certianatly show hr the door its like
hugs x

I'm a complete sap.
I think you're being too harsh... is this behaviour stemming atall from any feelings of jealousy about the other children who need you more.....?
Have sent a wee PM...
xxx

hi she sound very angry is she like this to every one or just you?
i think you could try family counseling this way you have one to referee.
maybe she needs some counseling over she miscarriage.

she behaviour sound like she is crying out for your love and attention
do you spent time with her on your own?

...any progress Alison?

I think we may have had some progress. Both me and DP fell asleep downstairs about 10.15 and when I woke up at 10.45 she was fast asleep in bed!!

Talked to her about the bottle of wine going missing and she swears blind she didnt take it - and I am inclined to believer her and told her that. I think it may have been a friend of hers who had used the downstairs toilet when Andrea was upstairs earlier in the evening.

Its not going to be easy but hope we have turned the corner a little.

Thanks for your pm ... I did read it and taken on board some of the stuff you said

That's really good news, Alison
xxx

Ladybug said:
I'm a complete sap.
I think you're being too harsh... is this behaviour stemming atall from any feelings of jealousy about the other children who need you more.....?
Have sent a wee PM...
xxx

On your note ladybug-I just want to say one thing. (and I'm saying this just as an obseervation not in a bad way towards you-so don't take it the wrong way-just in case the wordds are not reflecting my feelings right)

My views 16 years ago and today about where my red lines are and today are two different things. I think it's kind of hard to put yourself in someone's shoes if you haven't already gone through that phase yourself with you own child.

My eldest is almost 17 and we had been going through a rough patch with him too. Things seem to have straightener out.

My strongest advice right now is to to take a step back and analyzing your feelings as well as trying to understand your daughters frustrations and angere-which are more than the average teenage rebellion.

My feelings at the time with my son were:
-I'm a failure
-why is he doing this to me and making my life difficult
-what kind of example is he setting for his siblings and what kind of example am I setting if I don't take him to task about his messups.
-worry about his future

My son's problems I believe stemmed from frustrations at not doing well in school, wanting to live a life different than what we were giving him and teenage pushing us-and because I rose to every little battle, just gave him more to fight about.


Two suggestions:
Make sure you and hubby are on same page and back each other up.
One thing that does not fly in our house and the kids know that is pitting one of us against the other or asking one of us for soemthing that the other said no-they know we check with each other. If there is even the smallest possiblity that you guys are sending out mixed messages-that has to be fixed.

Write your daughter a letter telling her how much you love her, and how you know it is difficult being a teenager-that she is not a child anymore, but on the other hand not yet totally dependent. Tell her that you would like to have an open talk with her, so that you can eahc openly talk about the things that bother them the most. Out of what is discussed-chose one or two items to focus on-for instance one of you requests-is that she be home by curfew-if she shows you she can be responsible and abide by that-you will discuss letting her have a later curfew, but first she has to prove her responsibily.




Most important -try keeping the anger out of your conversations with her.

Hang in there!

Susie

[quote="noababy


My feelings at the time with my son were:
-I'm a failure
-why is he doing this to me and making my life difficult
-what kind of example is he setting for his siblings and what kind of example am I setting if I don't take him to task about his messups.
-worry about his future



Thank you so much Susie, and for being just one of the few people in the circle of people that I know that understands that this is further than normal teenage rebellion.

I hope that we have turned a corner now, we had a bit of a chat earlier (and I find this very difficult to do with her without feeling angry) and hope that we can make a fresh start with school again next week. The stupid thing is she finishes school on 16th May for study leave and her first exam is on 18th. She has done some stuff around the house today to "earn" some money for tonight and to pay off what she has pinched from my purse - I see no reason why she should get away with that.

x

I personally would be a bit concerened if her behaviour changed a lot too fast-I'm talking about her behaving well. Yes-I am sure a chat can clear something up, but many times this is the calm before the next storm and you have to brace yourself for that. These things are a gradual process, and it can be weeks or months and every day is a trial for us when they are like this.

As far as your anger, take a deep breath , think about different things. I find that when I react in anger, it is because I am not in control of myself at that moment and that is something we don't want to teach our kids-so you really have to practice reacting calmly-firmly, but calmly. She is probably used to you yelling by now, so talking calmly may have just as much an effect. Also don't get into a back and forth arguin match-does not help.

Very important to give her positive reinforcment for good simple things she does. Example-you did a great job straightening up, I had a pleasant time with you this afternoon, your hair looks nice...

Take a look in your library for the book "how to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk" (or it may be backwards.

Worth the read!

Good luck and update us!

Susie

[quote="noababy
On your note ladybug-I just want to say one thing. (and I'm saying this just as an obseervation not in a bad way towards you-so don't take it the wrong way-just in case the wordds are not reflecting my feelings right)

Susie[/quote]

hey hey hey!!!!!
I know you canny get better than an experienced mummy - but I do deal with adolescents every frickin workin day so i'm not too bad at speakin their language

Yo Alison!!! Defend me wumman!!! How close was my advice to Susie's??? Scarily close tee hee hee

xxx


P.S. GREAT advice Susie

Ladybug said:
[quote="noababy
On your note ladybug-I just want to say one thing. (and I'm saying this just as an obseervation not in a bad way towards you-so don't take it the wrong way-just in case the wordds are not reflecting my feelings right)

Susie

hey hey hey!!!!!
I know you canny get better than an experienced mummy - but I do deal with adolescents every frickin workin day so i'm not too bad at speakin their language

Yo Alison!!! Defend me wumman!!! How close was my advice to Susie's??? Scarily close tee hee hee

xxx


P.S. GREAT advice Susie [/quote]

Glad you took my comment okay ladybug. Hope Katie isn't as big a pain to you as I was to my parents-teehee. Hope we're still chatting in 15 years so I can find out.