he is making my life hell

hi all,
sorry its been so long since i last been on,
i need ur help.
as u may know, me and my husband split at the end of may,
well from day one he hasnt left me alone.
hes bein really nasty to me and keeps sayin hes gonna take the kids away.
i tried to do things the easy, i know it was wrong but i let him stay here on weekends to see the kids as hes livin in bristol and cant have the kids at his mates, he would come here shouting at me and say nasty things.
i told him now that im goin through the corts for him to get access to the kids so i know he cant take the boys without getting in trouble.
he is making my life hell so now i wanna get a divorce as hes saying i cant be with anyone else as im his, i dont know what to do.
hes making me depressed, my mum wants me to get the police involved as ive got messages off facebook saying nasty things.
why does it have to be so hard for
any1 know anything about divorces? i dont know where to start or if i can have one.
thanx for reading xxx

I'm not sure how it works with divorces hun, i should go seek some legal advice, I know they can be expensive, but maybe you could be entitled to legal aid?

i think you should keep evidence of the conversation and nasty messages, it may help you in a divorce??

It's a shame that things have ended so badly for you, even though you tried to make it amicable in the first place

I think you will have to stop him from staying in the same house as you, to prevent him from giving you abuse. Can you get him to see them at your mums or his mums?? Then at least you can say that you haven't stopped him from seeing them

Can you not speak to one of his friends or family, to try to explain that you have no probblem with him seeing the kids, but you won't stand being shouted at and made to feel bad, and thats whats making it worse for him in the first place??

I'm really sorry hun, I know the advice isn't very helpful, hope you manage to get it sorted out xx

when he left he was livin at my mums but he was comin over every day bein nasty so i told my mum she had to tell him to leave, so then he just stayed with her on weekends to have the kids but he was being nasty to her so she stopped him from staying there.
i have stopped him from staying here thats why its getting worse and now i cant be in the same room as him as im scared.
i have saved all the messages he sent me, his family isnt talking to him cus they know what he is like.
he has no one now and its his own fault.
he is ment to be moving to newport next week for uni but i dunno if thats gonna happen yet.
i got a appointment to see my solicitor on the 29th, i want it to come fast so i know whats happening but at the mo i have to try hide away from him.
thanx for ur help xxx

have you told your solicitor hes being agressive and abusive towards you? im having to see a solicitor with izzys dad now and i told them about the texts etc where hed keep turning on me one min hed be nice and we will have arranged somehting for him to see izzy as he hasnt seen her since may and then a few days later he would threaten me if i didnt let him see izzy he was going to get a solicitor etc etc and they told me to keep all texts and if i got anymore inbetween when i made the appointment and the appointment date i was to call them and they would try and fit me in sooner to see my solicitor

awwww sorry to hear ur goin through the same
the 29th will be the first time im seeing mine.
he keeps shoutin at me saying im stopping him from seeing the kids so i said to him that he can come over for a couple of hours after work to see them but hes not to talk to me and i wont be there.
so he came over with a smerk on his face, i went upstairs so i didnt have to see him, 10mins later he comes up saying hes leaving and for me to come down to have the boys. go down stairs and he starts saying to the kids that they gonna live with him and then was saying to me that hes gonna take me for everything i got and i wont win. i just told him to leave cus i didnt wanna start anything

my first appointment is on tuesday. we been seperated now over a year and we had a good agreement for him to see izzy as we live 160miles apart he lives in the midlands which was working fine but then this year he met a new girl and after like 4/5months they moved in together and i said he could still see izzy but i wanted her to stay at his mums house (for a few reasons that he didnt know) but he thinks and telling everyone im doing it cos of his new girlfriend and im jealous etc etc when im doing it for my own peace of mind with izzy so this year he saw izzy for 2 weeks at the end of dec/beg of jan a week in mid march and 4 days at the end of may and he says it me whos stopping him from seeing izzy when im only doing what he told me he wants he said that if i wouldnt agree to izzy sleeping at his new girls place then he didnt want any contact or to pay anything for her as he says he dont see the point in paying for a child he doesnt see and apparently him and his new girl are planning a kid together and they been together 9 months now maybe..

have you told your solicitor on the phone the extent of his threats when you made the appointment and you could call and see if they have had any cancellations and tell them the extent of the situation?

awwww not goin so good for u then
hope it gets sorted soon.
i so wish rich had a gf, he would stop buggin me then,
cus i dont care if he has the kids or not.
i just dont want him seeing them in my house and having a go at me,
nah it was my sister that rang them for me, dunno why could of done it myself LOL yea ill ring them and ask to see me sooner if they can.
im also gonna ring the police today just to make a record of all the messages

yes you better do all that as it will help your case if and when it goes to court showing them his true colours.

have you thought about arranging access in a contact centre you drop the kids of there he goes in and sees them and is supervised by social workers and they wont let him in if hes drunk/violent or agressive and you dont have to see him at all

my mums cousin ex husband wouldnt give her a divorce and the court told him he had 6 months to prove himself in one of these contact centres as he wanted custody of the children and one time he didnt turn up another time he was drunk etc and 6 months later she got a letter from the court saying the divorce had been granted.. it might though be different in scotland as it to england when it comes to divorces

im in wales,
yea thats another thing he was shoutin at me about, havin to do all that to see the kids.
but if he keeps shoutin at me when he sees the kids then im not gonna wanna see him and i dont.
i dont think rich would give me a divorce
this really does suck,
i know leavin him has turned his life up side down but i tried so hard to make it as easy as it can get. i dont evan take money off him for the kids and i stopped them ppl goin after him for money aswell.
i was never nasty to him, all i did was fall out of love with him if i new this would happen i wouldnt of married him.
whats done is done and think we should just get on with life.

Been where you are hun, except I wasnt married.

Get legal advice which you are doing and tell him to only talk to your solicitor. I also had to change my mobile number and my parents changed their phone number aswell and that worked well. Keeping a record of everytime he phones, texts etc is good to (note time date etc) And this is the hard bit, try and be strong for the kids, at the end of the day he is their daddy and they will probably still get contact (of some sort) and you dont want them picking up on your hate, they have to make their own mind up.

i do want him to see the kids so i am gonna have to deal with talkin to him, its just im gonna ignore him if he talks about stuff that doesnt relate to the kids.
thanx for ur help
xx

Yep i agree with Alex hun. Whatever he has done to you, he is still the childrens daddy and you don't want them to pick up on your hate towards him. Kids are very clever and will decide for themselves what sort of person he is as they get older . They have to have that opportunity though or they will blame you in the future for not being able to see him. I know this must be very hard and if there are any threats in the future towards the children then it's a different situation entirely and i would stop contact until it is dealt with. I would keep a record of everything nasty he says/sends or does to you. This could well help in a divorce.

To me hun, he sounds like a very bitter person right now and the spit has obviously hit him hard even though as you say you have tried to make things as easy as possible. Maybe he was hoping you would get back together? Especially if you offered him a place to stay over the weekend to see the kids. Perhaps he read more into it and thought you were thinking about having him back? He could be starting to realise that your decision is final and is finding that hard to deal with? I would try and find a contact centre or somewhere neutral like a friends house or somewhere that he can see the kids so he doesn't get any mixed messages and realises that this is the end of the line for your relationship. He may get the message then and start to calm down? Sorry i don't have much advice on the actual divorce side of things as i have never been there myself. I really hope you get everything sorted soon hun! Xx

im not stopping him from the seeing the kids,
my mum stopped me and my brothers from seeing our dad and i hated her for it. i guess i have learnt from her mistake so dont eed to make it myself.
i have told him loads of times that there is no chance in us gettin together and he new that when i let him stay. i have seen a side of him that i dont like,
hopefully it will get sorted soon. xx

I didn't mean to imply that you had done things wrong hun. As you said, you were letting him see the kids. I just meant that as it is difficult for him to find somewhere to stay locally and he is being so horrid right now i wouldn't blame you feeling like not letting him see the kids but that this is not the way to go as you know. I'm sure you let him lnow where he stands hun, but when you are in love with someone who isn't in love with you anymore i suppose you cling on to any and every opportunity that they will change their mind. It sounds like he is starting to realise this isn't going to happen and that's why he is being nasty? Sorry if i offended you. that wasn't my intention! Xx

no u didnt LOL
he can see the kids if he came to my mums house,
he will just have to deal with my brothers if he starts which i find much better than me havin to put up with him.LOL
i dont want the kids seein us fightin and they havent, just hope to keep it that way. i never new my parents use to fight when i was a kid, they said they waited until me and my brothers went to bed then started smashing plates madness xx

But by the same token he should not be using his time with the children to shout and argue with their mother - they will pick up on this too! If he has anything he wishes to discuss then he goes via your solicitor

last night he sent me another message,
he was angry as i werent home.
said he wants to talk to me alone about the kids,
the message went on for ages so i just replyed sayin the courts will decide, he doesnt want me to get the courts involved but what else can i do. he sent me another long message saying that ive got post natal depression
so i told him that im happy and that im only depressed when he wont leave me alone or when i see him.

Sorry about the problems that you're having. It's never nice when things can't even be civilised.

With regards to divorce there are a number of different ways to go around it, but typically it requires you to be separated for two years before it can happen, unless you both agree or there are other circumstances.

Costs vary and some solicitors will do a fixed price divorce if things are going to be straight forward which it doesn't sound like they will be. Hopefully you will get some help with the costs but otherwise it can be very expensive. If there is a court order in place or a written agreement regarding access then this will help matters.

Sorry to hear all this.

Print out all the messages from Facebook, if you don't have a printer, your local library will have one. Take more than one copy and keep them seperate by safe. Do not delete any texts from him abusive or otherwise.

Do not let him stay at your house and if you feel threatened or frightened. Make sure you always have someone else with you, they can act as witnesses if anything kicks off.

Also contact either a solicitor or the CAB for advice. A lot of solicitors are no longer doing legal aid as it is too costly for them to recover the money.

Contact the police and report any threatening behavious to them and make sure they log it.

I think you've been given some really good advise here Cassie, I wish you didn't have to go through this, it really seems like you've done everything to try make things easier for him but he's just really hurting right now I think and hopefully he can work through that. I hope it can be atleast civil for you guys again some day sweety!