still having problems

with izzys dad.. it feels like they are pushing me into a corner now they want izzy on thurs and keep nagging me cos i dont know what to say and i got a text from his mum last night saying would still like to come and get izzy on thurs and have a chat with u. we've spoken to izzys dad again an he thinks its a good idea if u both talk in a mutual place about izzy and how to go on from now on. izzys aunt (thats his brothers gf) has suggested their place prehaps when we bring izzy back if thats okay with you.

i feel really trapped and pushed now as i wanted to have a chat with izzys dad by ourselves which is why i suggested him and i taking izzy out for the day and now his mums going to moderate it all which i hate she used to get involved in our arguments when we were living together. yes i know i go through her to sort things out but if we are going to try and sort something out then it should be only me and him not his mum, dad and every other member of his family.

i dont want them to have izzy until izzys dad and i have had a mutual chat and tried to come to an agreement. but if im totally honest i dont want them involved i know that sounds selfish but i done it all with no finanancial support from them in 6 months and izzys a really mummys girl she has male influence in her life and i dont know what to do. i had thaught about changing my numbers and moving and telling them anything they want to send izzy to send it to my mums but that would make me look bad i just wish they would leave me alone.

any man can become a father but it takes a real man to step up and be a dad an hes not really doing a good job of that why should i let him mess my daughter up.

i hate what i have become ive always been a believer of having a mum and dad involved in a kids life but now he messes my head up.. everytime i move on he tells me how he wants me back etc and then when i say ok we'll give it a try and he goes oh i dont know if i want to anymore my heart cant take anymore breaks from him my mate sat on the phone to me last night at like 2am until 4am trying to comfort me cos i was in tears at what he doing and done to me

sorry for the rant

aww hu so sorry u havening problems at the mo hope u sort them out soon and dont let hem push u into anything u dont want to do babe

xxx

I don't really know what to say as I've never had to deal with this situation. I really hope he pulls his finger out for you aswell as Izzy

Ok, I haven't quite been in the situation you are in but having brought up a child who wasn't mine and having to deal with her father, and with my wife leaving last year and taking the kids with her I hope I can offer some advice.

Firstly, from the sounds of things you need to ignore anything that he says about the two of you past/present/future, and if he does start talking about it explain thats not what you're there for and you need to talk about your daughter.

Secondly, it would be better to talk about it now and try to come to some amicable arrangement rather than it get nasty and it go to court. If they go there the CSA will get involved if they aren't already.

Next, insist on a meeting between the two of you and nobody else. Leave your daughter with a friend or your mum, as you can't have a proper conversation with her around. Also no other family members should be present as they will not help matters as they will butt in and argue points which may or may not be valid.

If you do come to an agreement put it down on paper, both of you sign it and make two copies (one each). It won't really stand for anything but it will then be clear that everybody understands where they stand and who is responsible for what. This way if he does up then you have something to show your daughter when she's old enough to say that you tried.

In my opinion, and as difficult as it may be, I would say that you need to let him see her. If he at least you can say you tried and she will learn for herself what a prat he is. Otherwise later on it will be you that suffers when she wants to know about him and why she has never seen him.

thanks for the advice i did have the csa involved whilst i was on income support but now im back at work they are not involved and if im honest i dont want them involved as they were useless... they never paid me any money but took money from him...

izzys aunt has now got involved and her and i were quite close but it appears shes also putting the pressure on now whether she feels pressurised to or not cos of the fact that shes engaged to his brother i dont know but she basically said that she thinks the meeting is a good idea it cant stay the way it is now and technically hes not done anything despite how he has behaved so if you get services involved they wont stop him from seeing her better to be on my terms than theirs

i said that i wanted to meet up with him just by ourselves and take izzy out somewhere for the day and discuss it and he refused and she said in response to that because he and you both know you just end up arguing he has a nasty temper on him and meeting is bound to bring about an argument.

so what they are saying is i can only meet up with him on their terms. everythings always on their terms but i got the one thing they want izzy so maybe it should be on my terms and not theirs. i feel izzy is becoming a weapon in this and i dont like that fact at all.

im so tempted to disappear from them all together. i trusted his mum i opened up and told her how i felt about things i trusted izzys aunt and told her how i feel but it seems that they used me and are now using it against me.

theres alot of stuff that happened between izzys dad and izzy and i dont want to tell people it now as they will think im making it up to stop him from seeing her the thing was i couldnt tell anyone when i said to his dad i didnt trust him with her whilst we were together he told me that its obviously not true as i wouldnt be with him and let him have her if i didnt trust him and now we seperated and i let him have access if i say why i dont trust him they aint going to believe me but the truth is id only let him see her cos he was living with his mum and dad and now hes not.

ive always thought a kid needs both parents but im startin to think that maybe izzy needs one good parent instead would that be so wrong of me i feel sick to the stomach at the idea of her going away from me again even if it just for a few days.

OK, hun, you can tell me to go mind my business, but I have to ask this because it will have bearing on what advise I might give in this situation with Izzie's dad.... has he been abusive to her?? If he has then that's a whole other situation and would be good reason for her to never see him again unless he was willing to seek anger management counseling (or other, if it's other type of abuse) or something and only have supervised visits with her....

ive pm-d u tammy

i hope that you can sort something out without too mcuh hassle

While you were on income support the CAS money would have gone to the benefits agency to act as relief on what they were paying you, however now you would get whatever money he should be paying them. Also it won't affect any tax benefits as its not counted as income.

On the other side, don't get forced into something. If you have to meet with somebody else present try to do it with one person from each side, or at least with somebody from his family that you trust. Also ask them to stay in the kitchen or something whilst you talk in the lounge, then they can get involved if it turns into an arguement.

Alternatively if you don't like the conditions of the meeting try and sort things out by writing. This gives you both a chance to think about what you're saying without temperatures rising and any snipes causing additional problems.

im letting them have her tomoz til tues and in return his mum is picking her up we are going to have a chat about arranging for myself and izzys dad to have a chat im also going to invite her and izzys grandad if they want to come to the zoo with me and izzys aunt and uncle in a couple of weeks time and they are even buying me a toddler bed for izzy aswell i guess thats better than nothing from them for izzy if im not getting maintenance at the moment. im laying down some conditions aswell about it as im worried about it having an adverse affect on izzy as she been having nightmares for the week after she been up there and she wont let me out of her sight and she also comes back very naughty and i have to re-disclipine her again

Have you thought of family mediation?

I thought this was an avenue I might have to consider when things got nasty but then he just disappeared (better for me and J).

Owne is right about the benefit and CSA- the CSA will have been paying the benefit people and what you were getting from him will have been deducted from your benefits, you are only allowed £10 of any CSA money. For example, if you get £110 bebfite a week and he pays £35 CSA then £25 will be deducted and you get the extra £10


hope things get better soon