**Just For Laughs - The Official JP Jokes Thread**

Here you are girls and guys, any funnies you have can be added to this thread. Have fun, try and keep it clean, cover any swear words with a icon. Now, whos first??

One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Billy watches, and after a couple of minutes asks,"Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is where me and the mailman usually falls off!"

xxx

lmao hehe loved that one crazy_girl!

erm let me think of some and I will post once I have one!

lmao crazy_girl that was a good one lol
xxx

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The
boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother
Saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He
would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin
turned to his younger brother and said, " Ryan , you be Jesus !"

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son
ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a
seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son
asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought
a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

A group of kindergarteners were trying very hard to become accustomed
to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
insisted on

NO baby talk!

"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.


"I took a ride on a choo choo."

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use
'Big People' words." She then asked little Alec what he had done.


"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great
pride, and said,








"Winnie the SH*T!"

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.

These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

pmsl!!!! hayley thats fab lolol

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

A Plumber gets caught on Builders from hell sh....ging
house owners dog on CCTV. Woman sues him but judge dismisses case because he was Corgi registered.

they are all brill lmao
xxx

they are all brill lmao
xxx

A Man is dining in a fancy restaruant and there is this gorgeous blond sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down but lacks the nerve to talk to her, suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man, he reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back.
Oh my i am so sorry the woman says as she pops her eye back in place, let me buy you dinner to make it up to you she says, they enjoy a wonderfull dinner together and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks they talk they laugh she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. He comes back to her house and in the morning they had a lovely breakfast. The guy says you know you are the perfect woman are you like this to all the men you meet, no she replies. Wait for it. its comeing. the suspense is killing you.



She says you just happened to catch my eye

A wife gets naked and asks her hubby 'Darling, what turns you on more? My pretty face, my pert breasts or my sexy body??'
Hubby looks her up and down, sniggers, and replies 'your f***ing sense of humour!!'

This place is great!

claireabby - that is hilarious!!!!!

sorry, had to add it though,

what did one snowman say to the other snowman?

can you smell carrotts

im so sorry its so lame, i love it though lol its been brandi's fave since christmas lol

as has, what do you call a chicken in a shell suit?


an egg

agree with the snowman sammie!! that is daft!!

but the chicken - it made me cry with lafter!! i couldnt tell kev for crying!!!

oh god im sad!!!

an englishman, irsihman and scottishman sat in a bar, english man says it's our Andrews birthday on friday, we named him andrew cos he was born on saint andrews day. Really? said the scottishman, thats strange, my sons called david because he was born on st davids day!
the irishman stands and walks out, the scotsman calls after him and says, hey paddy? where you going? he said im going home to tell tell pancake of course!

sammie... u get worse!!!

can u belieive 2 hours ago we were laughing at these!!!

anyways....

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his year 2 teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mummy ate it!”