**Just For Laughs - The Official JP Jokes Thread**

Great, the groan ones are always the best

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted

last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


and this one

"I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
we lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. "Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway", "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled...
...so I told her to f***k off

And finally....

Two women are walking home after a girlie night out. They are very drunk and as the walk home is taking some time due to their state they find themselves desperate for a wee. At this moment they are passing a church and decide to relieve themselves
behind the headstones in the graveyard. As they finish, they both realize they have nothing to wipe themselves with. So the first women decides to use her knickers and throw them away. The second woman is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them, but then she notices a new grave nearby with lots of new fresh flowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquet with thick soft ribbon. 'just the job' she decides and without another thought duly pulls the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself. Their task is completed the women continue staggering home. Next morning, the husband of the first women phones the husband of the second-" we need to keep an eye on our wives, Mine came home with no knickers on last night!" You think you've got problems" explains the second husband. My wife came
home last night with a card stuck up her a*** that said, " we'll never forget you - from all the lads at the fire station"

That last one was a corker! haha!

this ones not nice, sorry

whats the closest thing to your periods?


your salary, it comes once a month, lasts about a week and if it doesnt come you yourself.

ooooooooooh lololololol ok heres mine

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING
FOR WEEKS NOW'

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;

'FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN ELECTRICIANS LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

THE WIFE ASKS,

'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.'

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,

'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.'


FINE, SHE SAYS,

'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?' THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.'

'I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS', HE SAYS. 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WOODIES DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!! '

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

'HONEY', HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'

SHE SAID,

'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'


HE SAID,

'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?'


SHE REPLIED,

'HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy"

Then he would tell me to take a few days off.


So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So, that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out."

Go and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "..And where do you think you're going?!"

(You're gonna love this....)


She said, "I'm home going too. I can't work in the dark.

hahahahahaha i love that one!

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied , "...in-laws! "

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.


SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT !

thats fab

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one
thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed.

Then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a
solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have
taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my
house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship!'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'This may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside
their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're
hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the
other male parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers
have been answered

just got a few more in an email

there are 3 sisters - milly, molly and fanny and they all have very big feet. one night milly and molly go to a dance but their partners keep stepping on their toes. 'wow' the boys say, 'aren't your feet massive?' and the girls reply 'if you think our feet are big you should see our fanny's'


little billy runs into the class and says 'miss, thers a dead cat in the playground'
'how do you know its dead?' the teacher asks
billy replies 'i pissed in its ear and it didnt move at all'
aghast the teacher exclaims 'you did what?'
billy says 'i went pssssst in its ear and it never moved'



an elderly man finds he's unable to perform sexually so he goes to a medicine man who throws powder into a fire, theres a flash with billowing smoke
'this is a powerful healing but you can only use it once per year' the medicine man says 'all you have to do is say "one, two, three" and it shall rise for aslong as you wish'
'what happens when we've had enough?' the old man asks
the medicine man replies 'when youre partner can take no more all she has to say is "one, two, three, four" and it will go down. but be warned - your willy will not rise again for another year'
the old gent rushes home anxious to try out his new powers. that night he slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife and says "one, two, three". then he gets the most gigantic erection.
his wife turns to him and says 'what did you say "one, two, three" for?'



i went to visit my friends baby, she aked me if i wanted to wind him, i thought that was a bit harsh so gave him a dead leg instead

ROFL!!!!!

Facelift

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the
counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a
drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the
counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning
question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
again she says "nope, im 50"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his
hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't," she says.

"I was behind you in McDonald's."

4 Catholic Mothers

Even if you didn't grow up Catholic, you'll appreciate this one....

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important
their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest.? When he walks into
a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop.? Whenever he
walks into a room, people say,
'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my
son is a Cardinal.? Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your
Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.

The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"


She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'4", hard bodied, male stripper.
Whenever he walks into a room, women say,

"My God...."

A young priest is invited to dinner at the bishop's house. Whilst dining he notices that the bishop's housekeeper is a gorgeous young blonde, and asks the bishop how he manages to keeps his vow of celibacy. "Well, my son" replied the bishop, "I resist temptation because I have faith in the Lord."

After the priest has left the housekeeper discovers that a laddle has gone missing from the kitchen. The bishop wrote to the priest, "My Son, I'm not saying that you did take the laddle and I'm not saying that you didn't, but the fact remains that since you dined at my house a laddle has been missing." The priest replied, "Father, I'm not saying that you do sleep with your housekeeper and I'm not saying that you don't, but the fact remains that if you had slept in your own bed since I left your house you would have found the laddle."

i got sent this joke last night..i thought it was so funny..chris was satlooking at me thing wtf..i was crying my eues out and could stop..you might think its sad lol.

Just been arrested, was in the car and dying for a pee,so i did it in a coke can....Police stopped me and asked what was in the can...Now im done for possesion of canapiss lmao...

Im crying again lmao..carnt believe how good it is lol

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger fl ipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If you can read this - Thank a teacher!

This is a test for Intelligent People. I have
determined that you qualify.
The following short
quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you if you
are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each
answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But
don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!


1. How do you put a giraffe into a
refrigerator?


The correct answer is:

Open the
refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

This question tested whether you tend to do
simple things In an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?



Did you say, Open the refrigerator, Put in the elephant,
And close the Refrigerator? Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer:
Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, Put in the elephant and close the door.

This tested your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend....except one.
Which animal does not attend?




Correct Answer: The Elephant.
The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.

This tested your memory.
Okay, even if you
did not answer the first three questions correctly,
You still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4.
There is a river you must cross but it is used by
crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you
manage?



Correct Answer:
You jump into the river and swim across.

Have you not been listening?
All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.



This tested whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to research 90% of professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but
many pre-schoolers got several correct answers.

brill jokes. love em

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the agent said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the
agent's arm. The agent said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to s**t all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.'

the creation of man

Seems that the Bible got creation all wrong............it was actually Eve that God created first.

After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit, "How's it going, Eve?" he asked. "It is all so beautiful, God, the sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the grandeur ... just so wonderful, but I have this problem with these three breasts of mine. The middle one pushes out the other two and I am constantly knocking them with my arms and catching them on branches and it is basically a nuisance!" reported Eve.
God replied, "Well, that's a good point, but hey, it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals what, six? So I just figured halve it, but I see that you are right, I'll fix that up right away!" so God reached down and ripped that middle breast right out of there and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the garden. "Well, how is my favourite creation?" he asked.
"Just fantastic!" she replied. "But for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram and the cow has her bull; all the animals have a mate except for me and I feel very alone here."
"Oh, my! You are so right! How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now let's see..................where did I leave that useless tit?"