help - step parent advice needed!!! - long sorry!!!!

hello people!!!

i am really at my wits end on how to keep this family running smoothly and happily.

some background: i have a son from a previous (8) who treats rich like his dad he hasnt seen his bio father since he was 4, rich has pr for him and when we got married my son wanted to add my married name to his (which was my maiden name anyway) absolutely no problems between my son and rich they have a fab time doing son/dad stuff etc...

we have rich's 2 sons over every other weekend (7 & 9) we treat them fairly and spend lots of time/money on them ensuring they have a good time with us. i really find it difficult to form a relationship with these children - nothing to do with rich's ex as although she has weird partenting ideas shes not bitter and twisted like some exes. we have had the boys regularly for over 2 years and it still is as difficult as when they first started.

its mainly their behaviour - for 1st 18 months we had a problem with the eldest lying which i wont tolerate in our household especially as my son started doing it. anyway for past few months it seemed like the eldest had matured and the youngest was taken over in the behaviour stakes - peeing behind the couch, ruining my sons books, peeing all over the floor in the bathroom etc... so much i am regularly in tears.

we try to give fair punishments dependant on the crime ie gameboy/xbox/trips out taken off for 1 or 2 days. but nothing is working.

today my son has come down in tears saying the eldest had hit him twice so i called them all down and asked each one for their side of the story - the youngest corroburated with my son that he was smacked on the head twice by the eldest, but the eldest denies it even though he admits to hitting his brother moments before!!!!!

i do tend to take my sons word for it as when he started lying 18 mths back he got such punishment for it as he was brought up to know better that he hasnt done it for well over a yr so i am inclined to believe my son but the eldest is sat here in tears saying he didnt do it!!!!
what do i do??? rich is in bed as he didnt get in from work til 5am so im handling it myself

every other weekend its always something - never been a weekend where everyone got on and everyone behaved - i feel awful but i do dread these weekends and i shouldnt - it should be smooth sailing and enjoyable time!!!

sorry for the essay im just fed up!!!

its so hard being a step parent, i know, i am one.
the only thing i can suggest as far as the lying goes and the eldest one being in tears is what i did whith mine. 1st: take each of them one at a time into a room and question them seperately, then sit them together, tell them all want is the truth and nobody is moving till u get it. if they keep lying, u keep asking. eventually one of them will cave in and tell.
as far as the step kids go, u need to set them the same rules as are set for u'r son (i'm sure u already do). explain to them that lying and being naughty dont impress anyone least of all u and dad . explain that sometimes in the rules are different in different houses. u have u'r rules and mum has her rules. but when they are at u'r house they will abide by u'r rules, end of !
they are old enough to understand hun, as long as its explained to them clearly in a way they can grasp it. it can be hard being the step parent (although i have been very lucky), stick to u'r guns babe and let them all know u'r incharge not them. i know it sounds harsh but sometimes u have to be. big hugs to ya

thanks for replying kel

until rich got up i had the eldest sat on the floor by the chair doing nothing and then we went through it all again and he still said he hadnt hit isaac so i got the other 2 from the park and quizzed them again - then got each one on their own to tell the story and after saying that if he told the truth he might get some privileges back (reading a book or playing cars) instead of spending the weekend on the floor doing nothing he admitted it!!!

but in the process i have to grill my son and doubt him which is not fair!!!

and to top it all the eldest has wet the bed and not told anyone so lulah has been up there playing and sat on the sofa bed (where he slept) which infuriates me!!! and he swears it wasnt him so for the moment i am airing and stripping beds etc.. so for the time being im staying out of the way so i dont have to speak to him.

oh hun, its not good. does he often wet the bed? have u had a chat with dad?

he used to when we first moved in together and he was seeing a specialist as it was happening regularly at home but he hasnt done it here for 18mths.

his mum told rich that since he has been back at school he has been having a hard time - ignoring the teacher and wanting to be left alone and not join in with activities or play with other children.

we find that when he is here he is very bossy and will only play with the other 2 if he initiates the game but wont play if one of the others comes up with an idea - this i see as really unfair and have often stopped him playing as he doesnt play fairly always has to be on his terms!!

and when ever we tell him off its like he is in another place - you cant hold his attention and he will just feed you answers that he thinks we want.

dad is fab - i ended up bursting into tears saying i couldnt take much more - after 2 years the boys should slip in and out of our routine without any hassle and we should have fun enjoyable weekends instead of me dreading it!! i probably do about 70% of the parenting when the boys are here as rich not only holds down a day job but he works thurs- sun 9pm - 4am so is in bed some of the time!!!

sounds to me like this little boy has some unknown probs hunnie and he maybe needs to see someone. u'r a star for putting up with it babe. i think this boy needs some help for whatever reason, the way he is aint natural babe. i know its hard for u but stick with it, this little boy needs all the help and support he can get by the sounds of it. U'r a great mum and step mum. pm me if u need a chat babe

thanks kel

i think he has a problem with my son this weekend though i have no idea why the final straw was when rich was getting the xbox set up so he could have a game (his xbox downstairs while kids have one upstairs) on the screen is a picture he has had on there since before i met him of the 2 boys - the eldest turned round to isaac and said "ha ha your not on there" so rich turned round and sorted it and said isaac was just as much his son as he was. which shut him up!!

his privileges have been taken away so instead of being last in bed he's going up first while the other 2 get to watch some tv and hot chocolate with me!!!

roll on tomorrow at 5.30pm

sounds like hes jealous of u'r son hunnie. maybe its coz u'r son lives with his dad and he doesnt. he will get over that in time. good on u for tolarating it babe, he needs to know its wrong. as long as he knows he is loved as much as the others (i'm sure he does deep down). hes just pushing as far as can to see how far he can go. good luck hun

big hugs to ya! I wish I had advise for you, but you know I'm not very good in that department, as I chose to bow out of the relationship before it got worse. Sounds like your oldest step son definately has issues that with the right guidance and counseling maybe can be turned around, as he is still only 9 and maybe be partly just an age and insecurity thing with him.

Good luck, keep us updated, and some more hugs to you I know it's not an easy situation to be in